Thursday 26/02/2009- Saturday 28/02/2009

The 26th was actually my birthday, so I gathered up a few people who cared enough to get absolutely shithoused with me in celebration of it.
After a meal we walked across the road to the pub where we drunk ourselves into a minor stupour until it was socially acceptable to go into a club.
The club was pretty damn empty when we arrived, but who cares, it's 'buy one get 2 free' drinks and I would sit in a cess pit if it meant me drinking more for less.

Unfortunately, nothing really interesting happened that night, but I got extremely drunk. Lets just say that it set me up for what was to come for the rest of the weekend.

Extremely hungover I wake up for work to attend the afternoon half of the day I had to endure. Probably still drunk, I arrive feeling terrible.
Upon leaving, a guy I work with, [GoonSquad], told me that it was someone elses leaving drinks and we both decided that it would be rude not to go. However, I couldn't stress enough that I was only going to stay for one as I intended to go home to bed.
I sit down with a large gin and tonic (a pint glass might I add) and conversed with them for a while.
By the time I had finished my drink, 2 of the guys had gone home which left myself, [GoonSquad], the girl who was leaving, [Leaver], and another girl [Jenny]. After a little more conversation I announced that I was leaving because I felt pretty damn ill from the night before.

[Jenny]: No don't go yet, come on stay, I'll buy you a drink.
Bill: Ok, fine, but just one more, seriously, I feel fucked.

Little did I know, she was going to bring back 2 jugs of Speedball, a jug of WooWoo, 2 Cosmopolitans, 2 beers and 4 shots of tequila.

Bill: Holy shit. This is not going to end well.

Conversation started again and as usual, when there is 2 guys and 2 girls getting drunk, the conversation turns to sex. The reason why i'm including this is because a couple of funny stories seeped through the cracks.

[Leaver]: What is the most embarrasing thing that has happened to you during sex?

The stories are as follows:

One of them used to have a boyfriend who would come pick her up at a weekend and drive her back to his. He drove a fairly big jeep so their level was raised above most other vehicles. Whilst on the motorway, she begins to give him road head because they are stuck in a traffic jam.
When she finishes up she looks up to see that their is 2 guys in a lorry in the next lane peering down at them. Apparently she spent 7 miles of a traffic jam stuck next to them.

The other girl with a different story said that after sex she got out of bed to get a glass of water followed by her boyfriend of the time. She turned around to find that she had left a trail of splooge on the floor that had dripped from her vaginal area.

[Jenny] gets another identical round in and I decide that tonight is quite possibly going to get very messy indeed.
After that round of drinks, [Leaver] goes home, leaving me, [GoonSquad] and [Jenny]. I order a round of tequilas and a beer for me, which was actually finished quite quickly.

Before I knew it, it was 10:30 and I was pretty damn drunk. After 5 hours of drinking quite heavily, I was quickly hitting my sweetspot. Standing at the bar, on my own, with another pint of gin and tonic , I was observing 3 extremely hot girls. Not only were they extremely hot, but they were palming off any guys that came in contact with them.

Some random guy looks at me and points towards the girls with his glass.

Bill: I wouldn't even bother.
[Randomer]: Why not? They are seriously hot.
Bill: Listen, I've been watching these women of finery for the past 10 minutes. They have been palming them off like Bruce Lee hitting children. You would have a better chance standing here and giving them looks of utter disdain.

He looks at me, with an 'are you mad' expression on his face.

[Randomer]: How does that work then.
Bill: These girls are used to the attention, its obvious. If you don't give them any, you have way more chance of them wanting you. It's the whole forbidden fruit thing. Look watch.

The girl looks over at me and smiles, I smile back.

Bill: See?

Little did this guy know, I was toying with him. Why would any girl want you if you just gave her evils all night?

[Randomer]: Yeah, I totally saw her smile at you there.
Bill: Exactly. Listen, you take this one. I've got a girlfriend.

This guy was drunk enough to believe me and did pretty much what I told him.

The girl he was doing it to raised an eyebrow at him. She gave him that look which asked 'What the fuck are you looking at'

Bill: Dude. That was your cue. Go and dance with her.

He went over to her and started dancing with her. She quickly reacted and her lips told him 'Go away.'

What a prick. I was in histerics. Inevitabely, I changed vantage point because I dont think I could give the guy a straight answer without laughing at him and wishing terminal illness on his ability to have children.

I moved on with yet another large gin and tonic and stood at the other end of the bar. Two girls were stood next to me. Now these girls were something else. They were so damn ugly that they looked alike, I was insulted to be standing less that 2 feet away from them. I went out of my way to let them know this. A little 'bing' sound went off in my head, like the turkey in the oven was cooked. My drunk sweetspot had been hit and when this happens, I become even more of an asshole than usual.

I looked at Ugly Girl #1 and laughed at her carcrash of a face, to which she smiled. Is she joking? She thought I was hitting on her. I looked at her and laughed again. She made this motion with her hand that said 'Are you looking at me?'

Bill: Are you joking? Your the ugliest thing I've seen since Auschwitz.
Ugly Girl #1: Excuse me?
Ugly Girl #2: Do you recognise her?
Bill: There is no way in hell that I'm her baby's father.
Ugly Girl #2: No she's in that advert on TV.
Ugly Girl #1: Yeah. Do you know which one?
Bill: Is it the hate campaign for Clearasil? How did you guys even get in here? I saw the bouncer refusing ugly girls entry earlier.
Ugly Girl #2: Ok, we're gonna go.

[GoonSquad] stumbles upto me. He looks pretty wrecked, I must look worse. I've had a hell of a lot to drink.

[GoonSquad]: My sisters here. I want you to meet her.
Bill: I think it's best for all of us if we dont.

The first and last words that I said to her that night were 'You literally just missed me nearly reduce two girls to tears.'

After a lot more drinking, I decided that I was drunk enough to go home...So I did


The 28th was a house party at mine and [Chuckie's]. There was quite a few people there, including the return of [Fashion]. He was back from University and my God did he look a mess. Uni life has completely fucked him, the nonstop partying has brought him to appear like a dead fox squashed into the tarmac of the busiest road. Even his parents are genuinly concerned about him.
After a while, I got bored of everyone's shit. So I decided to make a fishbowl... for myself. For those who don't know what a fishbowl is, I will explain to your sorry, mindless asses.

A fishbowl is a large bowl filled with many different types of alcohol from which many people drink from a straw until it is gone.

In my fishbowl contained a death mix of vodka, Whiskey, Gin, Wine, Lambrini, Beer, Tequila and orange juice (for flavour). This was a personal target for me to finish, which I did.

Meanwhile, [Big Mac's] girlfriends, friend was pretty drunk, so what kind of person would I be if I didn't point this out? For the rest of the night, I made it my duty to tell her she was a complete mess in as many ways as possible. She found it funny, amazingly, but I can only hope that she was laughing back the tears.

By about 2am, most had gone home or to bed apart from myself [Babe] and Lee. We decided that it would be a good idea to finish off the rest of the alcohol in the house, which was a lot. A bottle of tequila later I passed out in a chair and woke 3 hours later still clutching a bottle of Baileys, feeling terrible. I got up and went into my room, to see [Babe] on the floor, passed out, in the fetal position and Lee sprawled across my bed like he had been hit by a truck.

Bill: [Babe], you are a mess.

A good choice of words; them being the first of the day.