Friday 06/02/2009

Admittedly, I have neglected this blog for a couple of months because I have been saving the stories up for an unknown reason. But on the 6th of February it was a special occasion, well not that special, but special enough to drink myself into a stupor. It was [Chuckie's] girlfriends birthday. We will call her 'Bride of Chuckie' (BOC).

Upon 20 minutes of arriving, wishing [BOC] a happy birthday and catching up with people with a face pretending that I gave a shit, I was bored. There was only four of the boys there including myself and there is only so long you can listen to some stupid girl shit about how their life sucks before you start to start picturing them naked. Inevitably so was [Big Mac] so we decided to start drinking aggressively.

So ten minutes, two pints, three sambucas, 2 tequilas and and a JaegerBomb later, [BOC] decides to introduce a girl to the four of us. We all tell her our names and we begin to talk. [Chuckie] walks off with his girlfriend leaving [Big Mac], myself and the girl, Shelley, to which I thought she said her name was Jenny. At first glance, I can see that this girl is hot, but the more she babbles on about her bullshit the more I look at her and think 'well fuck me in the ear, this girl is superhot.'

At long last, the bitch stops talking and takes her first breath for at least 10 minutes.

Shelley: So what do you two do?

Now it's my time to strike.

Bill: Oh me and [Big Mac] are in a Christian Rap Group.

Shelley starts laughing, but we keep a straight face which causes her to stop and reconsider the fact that we might actually be in a Christian Rap Group.

[Big Mac]: Yeah, I'm the Beat Boxin' Prophet and Bill's DJ Orthodoxy.
Shelley: What are you guys called.
[Big Mac]: The Last Suppa.
Shelley: Oh my God, I think I've heard of you guys!

Me and [Big Mac] looked at eachother and tried our hardest not to laugh. I think she's just playing along with us. She's not that stupid after all.

Bill: Oh yeah, we're pretty big in Germany. We have our song played sometimes on the local radio station if you listen to that.
[Big Mac]: Yeah we have our own slot between 11 and 1 on a Wednesday.
Shelley: Thats probably why I've heard of you! I listen to TIME FM sometimes!

The conversation goes on until I realise that she genuinely believes us. There's naive little me, saying all this shit to her thinking she was just humouring me and it turns out she has less brain cells than single celled ameoba with dyslexia. When our conversation finished, she asked [BOC] if we me and [Big Mac] were Christians, which at this point I was at the bar on my own drinking even more aggresively.

Shelley: You're not a Christian are you.
Bill: Are you fucking stupid? I am sitting on my own, ordering shots and drinks like I invented it. Do I look like a Christian?
Shelley: No I guess not.
Bill: Well then. Here, I bought you a shot. Well actually, I bought it for myself, but I think if I drink it I'll piss myself.

I got up and went to the toilet. On the way, three of [BOC's] friends were going there aswell.

[Girl 1]: Are you following us Bill?
[Girl 2]: Stalker!!
Bill: You have got to be joking. Stalking the three ugly sisters? Don't start spreading that rumour, people will start to think my standards have dropped.

They were quite offended, but I was pretty drunk and I couldn't have cared less.

When I got back, [Chuckie] came up to me.

[Chuckie]: Dude, you should try to get in with that Shelley girl. She's hot.
Bill: Who the fuck is Shelley?
[Chuckie]: That girl you was talking to.
Bill: Haha, you do realise her name is Jenny right?
[Chuckie]: No it's Shelley.
Bill: Oh shit. I've been calling her Jenny all night.

[Chuckie] laughed and decided that maybe my chances with her were failed.

Later on in the night, we decided to go to a club. Standing at the cash machine to draw money out, the alcohol hits me pretty hard and suddenly I start to feel pretty drunk. We walk towards the club and just out of nowhere I collapse and bash the side of my face up against a post box. I scramble up asking [Big Mac] if anyone saw me. Apparently there was about 20 people outside the club and not to mention Shelley saw me, so my chances definately looked poor.

On arrival to the club I stand in the que and try to at least look sober. The guy in front of me casually walks up to the bouncer, spreads his arms to be searched and walks in. I decide to do the same.

Bouncer: Alright mate.
Bill: Yep.
Bouncer: How much have you had to drink.
Bill: Nowhere near enough to be keeping the company I'm in and enjoy it.
Bouncer: Ok, you're to pissed. I'm not letting you in.

I saw this coming anyway. I didn't think I was going to get in anywhere and my tactless humour wasn't going to help me. Still, I didn't care, my night had already hit its sweet spot.