24th June-1st July 2009

Fucking hell, where do I start with this. It was the time that we all decided that England had suffered enough and so the Greek island of Kos should take some of our heat.

On the first day we met two girls, Marie and Alex and I am forced to say that these are quite possibly the funniest girls I personally have ever met, becoming 2 of the 3 women I have respect for. We spent the whole holiday with them and for me, they made the week something special, and before you say "Bill's turning homo" my reply is "Fuck You."

Together we created some extremely funny shit.

• The first night began the way we meant to go on. I had been drinking all day, and I mean all day, but didnt really start drinking aggresively until about 6pm. By 8 I was drunk, not too drunk, but drunk enough to challenge anyone who came within arms length of me to a shot contest. The rules? 5 shots of something fucking disgusting. Needless to say my ego was bigger than my ability to beat 3 people at this, especially after what I had already consumed and was still drinking. The last thing I remember was doing my last shot against a 65 year old man, telling him 'YOU CANT BEAT ME' and mimicking John Cena's 'You cant see me' hand gesture, which for those who dont know requires waving an outstretched hand in front of your face. The next thing I know I wake up in bed saying 'What the Fuck.' This whole episode was ironic as I most definately was beaten, but quite possibly the funniest part was being told in the morning by the old mans 9 year old grandson what happened. These are his words exactly as I remember them.
  

"Man, you were really drunk last night. You challenged my Grandad to a shot competition. After your last one you stood up and walked off, I think to be sick. But, (laughs) you walked into the Hotels kitchen, fell flat on your face and fell asleep. You were very drunk. My Grandad and Dave (the guy who works behind the bar) carried you into the toilet. You were sick everywhere and then you did a wee in your pants. You were very drunk. Then they carried you into the lift and put you in your room. You were so drunk."

I think it's obvious that I was VERY drunk, I don't know whether the kid was trying to emphasise that or whether he was trying to take the piss, but still.

I was also told in the morning that Phil and Crossy went up to my room when they heard where I was, (apparently all this happened within the time it took them to go to the shops and back) and abused me. I was slapped hard across the face, rolled over and had sun cream squirted up my ass.

I woke up at about 4:30am with Howard stood in front of me. I asked him if I went to the foam party that I had got ready for. Evidently, I didn't.

From the morning after and so on I was known as 'that guy with the hand gesture.' I was approached by quite a few people telling me that I was 'That Guy'. Well duh.

I still dont remember a thing about that night.

• Also in the morning, I woke up, stumbled into Crossy's room to see him in the foetal position naked on his bed. I laughed, which in turn woke him up. He looked worryingly at me.

Bill: Crossy, why are you naked.
Crossy: Er. I pissed the bed and didn’t want to be in wet clothes.

• Night 3, was just a regular night, but with a twist. Phil was absolutely fucking wasted. His dancing made me and others around him laugh. Phil's dancing is the type of dance that only really applys to Drum & Bass raves, and because of his state of drunkeness had slowed down considerably. People were mimmicking him and at one point he asked me if people were mocking him. This didn't stop him from doing the whole 'dancing on your own with your eyes shut.' It is safe to say that Phil was dancing like a tree. This set a trend throughout the rest of the holiday which we still laugh about now.


• Rob didn't last long that night, he was so drunk that he went missing for about an hour. Howard gave Dan a sip of his drink, which made Dan want to throw up so he ran across the road to the sea. He waved us all over to which we saw Rob laying on the floor in a pool of sick, passed out. He was then carried home.


• Day 4, we met a few other girls, 3 to be exact. Not a lot funny happened with them apart from me and Phil convincing one of them that Howard used to be a woman. Howard didn't know this was going on as he was in the next room so couldn't hear what we were saying.

Bill: Howard used to be a girl
[Gullible Girl]: Really?
Phil: Yeah, he had the operation nearly a year ago now.
[Gullible Girl]: Your kidding me right?
Bill: No seriously. Have you noticed how his voice squeaks sometimes?
[Gullible Girl]: Yeah.
Bill: Well that’s because his hormonal pills haven’t kicked in properly yet.
[Gullible Girl]: Really?
Phil: Yeah, also, his legs aren’t that hairy, that’s the same reason.
[Gullible Girl]: Oh my God.
Bill: Howard! Show [Gullible Girl] your scar!

Howard has a scar where he had his appendix removed.

Bill: That’s where he had his ovaries removed.
[Gullible Girl]: Oh my God how weird.
Phil: He is a freak ain’t he. But I guess that’s the way he is, we’ve got used to it.

[Gullible Girl]:Yeah I guess.

• Dan had an actual seizure on the second to last night and still got drunk the next day.

I think its safe to say that we learnt a lot about ourselves that week. Our tolerance of eachother and the abuse our bodies went through on a minutely basis. That not all women are manipulative, selfish and intolerable.....Just most of them.

Monday 18/05/2009

Today included quite possibly the worst morning I have ever had to endure. I got out of bed, put my foot in a bucket of sick and stumbled and fell out of a window hitting every branch of a tree on the way down, landing into a skip filled with used nappies, only to climb up and out to fall into a muddy puddle where I get run over by a car, then a lorry filled with acid crashed into the car and spills its load all over me.



If this was true, I probably would have been happier.

Instead I woke up an hour and a half late for work, had a cold shower only to find that my work trousers were still wet despite me hanging them up to dry a good 17 hours before hand. Upon leaving the house I realise that in fact I've also left my cigarretes in my mates car and I have no money to buy lunch, so I now have to go back and make some.
I miss the bus and when I finally get on a train I have some fucking fat dude sitting next to me and a guy opposite with breath that smells so bad that I felt I was being gassed in Auschwitz.

What a fucking morning.

24/04/2009

A couple of funny things have happened to me recently regarding people 'recognising' me whilst I'm out, so I thought I would post them.

The semi-MILF story

A couple of weeks ago, I was at a bar waiting for a drink when to my surprise a hand falls on my shoulder.

"Hey! I recognise you!"


Oh shit. Here we go. In front of me was an average height blonde, looked maybe about 35 or so.


Bill: Erm. Where from.


Suddenly, something in my head clicked. I looked at her again.


About a week before that I saw this woman, average height, blonde about 35 or so dancing on her own, next to her friend. She wasn't a good dancer, so I decided to take the oppurtunity to... well you know.

I walked up to her, tapped her on the shoulder and said:


"Excuse me. I just thought that I should tell you that your friend is really embarrassed by the way that you're dancing"

Needless to say, I think I ruined her night.

Anyway.

Bill: Was you in Agenda last week?
Blonde: Erm, no.
Bill: Where do you know me from.
Blonde: You drink in The Bull.

Two things ran through my mind at that precise moment.

1) I haven't drunk in The Bull for about 6 months.
2) If I hadn't had a drink in The Bull for 6 months, then I must have done something for me to stick in her mind. Which lets face it, probably isn't a good thing.

She quickly leads me to the dancefloor attempting to dance dirty with me. To be fair, the old girl wasn't doing too bad, but there's only so much you can enjoy it when all that's running through your mind is that "this is probably someones mother." This didn't stop me getting with her. What can I say, I have no morals.

The 'You're that guy!' Story.

The bus pulls up and I step on and take a seat. It's ten to eight in the morning, so obviously im on my way to work. Not taking care to look at my surroundings I hear a girl say 'Hi Bill.'
Sitting right next to me is a girl I know.

We start conversing and opposite Holly I keep noticing this attractive Blonde girl obviously listening to our conversation and looking like she wants to add a comment.

She eventually does, turns out she's Holly's friend. As quick as anything she says:

' Your that guy that insults all the women aren't you.

Holly: Oh God, what have you done now?
Bill: Haha.
Blonde: Listen, I dont agree with anything you say, but the things that you do say are so funny.

This is my cue to be even more 'funny'. I start telling her things like women should stay at home and cook, clean etcetera etcetera. To be honest I was so 'funny' that I would have made Chuck Norris laugh.

Much to my surprise this whale of a women gets up and upon leaving says to the Blonde.

"Dont worry darling, he will wake up one day in his pokey little flat and realise that he's alone"

I reply:

"Are you serious? For your information I have my own house asshole. I have to congratulate you. You have just been marked down on that list. You know, the ones that should have been partially aborted at birth."

I would just like to add that I have, at this point, only been awake for less than an hour and still I can come out with such genius.

Thursday 26/02/2009- Saturday 28/02/2009

The 26th was actually my birthday, so I gathered up a few people who cared enough to get absolutely shithoused with me in celebration of it.
After a meal we walked across the road to the pub where we drunk ourselves into a minor stupour until it was socially acceptable to go into a club.
The club was pretty damn empty when we arrived, but who cares, it's 'buy one get 2 free' drinks and I would sit in a cess pit if it meant me drinking more for less.

Unfortunately, nothing really interesting happened that night, but I got extremely drunk. Lets just say that it set me up for what was to come for the rest of the weekend.

Extremely hungover I wake up for work to attend the afternoon half of the day I had to endure. Probably still drunk, I arrive feeling terrible.
Upon leaving, a guy I work with, [GoonSquad], told me that it was someone elses leaving drinks and we both decided that it would be rude not to go. However, I couldn't stress enough that I was only going to stay for one as I intended to go home to bed.
I sit down with a large gin and tonic (a pint glass might I add) and conversed with them for a while.
By the time I had finished my drink, 2 of the guys had gone home which left myself, [GoonSquad], the girl who was leaving, [Leaver], and another girl [Jenny]. After a little more conversation I announced that I was leaving because I felt pretty damn ill from the night before.

[Jenny]: No don't go yet, come on stay, I'll buy you a drink.
Bill: Ok, fine, but just one more, seriously, I feel fucked.

Little did I know, she was going to bring back 2 jugs of Speedball, a jug of WooWoo, 2 Cosmopolitans, 2 beers and 4 shots of tequila.

Bill: Holy shit. This is not going to end well.

Conversation started again and as usual, when there is 2 guys and 2 girls getting drunk, the conversation turns to sex. The reason why i'm including this is because a couple of funny stories seeped through the cracks.

[Leaver]: What is the most embarrasing thing that has happened to you during sex?

The stories are as follows:

One of them used to have a boyfriend who would come pick her up at a weekend and drive her back to his. He drove a fairly big jeep so their level was raised above most other vehicles. Whilst on the motorway, she begins to give him road head because they are stuck in a traffic jam.
When she finishes up she looks up to see that their is 2 guys in a lorry in the next lane peering down at them. Apparently she spent 7 miles of a traffic jam stuck next to them.

The other girl with a different story said that after sex she got out of bed to get a glass of water followed by her boyfriend of the time. She turned around to find that she had left a trail of splooge on the floor that had dripped from her vaginal area.

[Jenny] gets another identical round in and I decide that tonight is quite possibly going to get very messy indeed.
After that round of drinks, [Leaver] goes home, leaving me, [GoonSquad] and [Jenny]. I order a round of tequilas and a beer for me, which was actually finished quite quickly.

Before I knew it, it was 10:30 and I was pretty damn drunk. After 5 hours of drinking quite heavily, I was quickly hitting my sweetspot. Standing at the bar, on my own, with another pint of gin and tonic , I was observing 3 extremely hot girls. Not only were they extremely hot, but they were palming off any guys that came in contact with them.

Some random guy looks at me and points towards the girls with his glass.

Bill: I wouldn't even bother.
[Randomer]: Why not? They are seriously hot.
Bill: Listen, I've been watching these women of finery for the past 10 minutes. They have been palming them off like Bruce Lee hitting children. You would have a better chance standing here and giving them looks of utter disdain.

He looks at me, with an 'are you mad' expression on his face.

[Randomer]: How does that work then.
Bill: These girls are used to the attention, its obvious. If you don't give them any, you have way more chance of them wanting you. It's the whole forbidden fruit thing. Look watch.

The girl looks over at me and smiles, I smile back.

Bill: See?

Little did this guy know, I was toying with him. Why would any girl want you if you just gave her evils all night?

[Randomer]: Yeah, I totally saw her smile at you there.
Bill: Exactly. Listen, you take this one. I've got a girlfriend.

This guy was drunk enough to believe me and did pretty much what I told him.

The girl he was doing it to raised an eyebrow at him. She gave him that look which asked 'What the fuck are you looking at'

Bill: Dude. That was your cue. Go and dance with her.

He went over to her and started dancing with her. She quickly reacted and her lips told him 'Go away.'

What a prick. I was in histerics. Inevitabely, I changed vantage point because I dont think I could give the guy a straight answer without laughing at him and wishing terminal illness on his ability to have children.

I moved on with yet another large gin and tonic and stood at the other end of the bar. Two girls were stood next to me. Now these girls were something else. They were so damn ugly that they looked alike, I was insulted to be standing less that 2 feet away from them. I went out of my way to let them know this. A little 'bing' sound went off in my head, like the turkey in the oven was cooked. My drunk sweetspot had been hit and when this happens, I become even more of an asshole than usual.

I looked at Ugly Girl #1 and laughed at her carcrash of a face, to which she smiled. Is she joking? She thought I was hitting on her. I looked at her and laughed again. She made this motion with her hand that said 'Are you looking at me?'

Bill: Are you joking? Your the ugliest thing I've seen since Auschwitz.
Ugly Girl #1: Excuse me?
Ugly Girl #2: Do you recognise her?
Bill: There is no way in hell that I'm her baby's father.
Ugly Girl #2: No she's in that advert on TV.
Ugly Girl #1: Yeah. Do you know which one?
Bill: Is it the hate campaign for Clearasil? How did you guys even get in here? I saw the bouncer refusing ugly girls entry earlier.
Ugly Girl #2: Ok, we're gonna go.

[GoonSquad] stumbles upto me. He looks pretty wrecked, I must look worse. I've had a hell of a lot to drink.

[GoonSquad]: My sisters here. I want you to meet her.
Bill: I think it's best for all of us if we dont.

The first and last words that I said to her that night were 'You literally just missed me nearly reduce two girls to tears.'

After a lot more drinking, I decided that I was drunk enough to go home...So I did


The 28th was a house party at mine and [Chuckie's]. There was quite a few people there, including the return of [Fashion]. He was back from University and my God did he look a mess. Uni life has completely fucked him, the nonstop partying has brought him to appear like a dead fox squashed into the tarmac of the busiest road. Even his parents are genuinly concerned about him.
After a while, I got bored of everyone's shit. So I decided to make a fishbowl... for myself. For those who don't know what a fishbowl is, I will explain to your sorry, mindless asses.

A fishbowl is a large bowl filled with many different types of alcohol from which many people drink from a straw until it is gone.

In my fishbowl contained a death mix of vodka, Whiskey, Gin, Wine, Lambrini, Beer, Tequila and orange juice (for flavour). This was a personal target for me to finish, which I did.

Meanwhile, [Big Mac's] girlfriends, friend was pretty drunk, so what kind of person would I be if I didn't point this out? For the rest of the night, I made it my duty to tell her she was a complete mess in as many ways as possible. She found it funny, amazingly, but I can only hope that she was laughing back the tears.

By about 2am, most had gone home or to bed apart from myself [Babe] and Lee. We decided that it would be a good idea to finish off the rest of the alcohol in the house, which was a lot. A bottle of tequila later I passed out in a chair and woke 3 hours later still clutching a bottle of Baileys, feeling terrible. I got up and went into my room, to see [Babe] on the floor, passed out, in the fetal position and Lee sprawled across my bed like he had been hit by a truck.

Bill: [Babe], you are a mess.

A good choice of words; them being the first of the day.

Friday 06/02/2009

Admittedly, I have neglected this blog for a couple of months because I have been saving the stories up for an unknown reason. But on the 6th of February it was a special occasion, well not that special, but special enough to drink myself into a stupor. It was [Chuckie's] girlfriends birthday. We will call her 'Bride of Chuckie' (BOC).

Upon 20 minutes of arriving, wishing [BOC] a happy birthday and catching up with people with a face pretending that I gave a shit, I was bored. There was only four of the boys there including myself and there is only so long you can listen to some stupid girl shit about how their life sucks before you start to start picturing them naked. Inevitably so was [Big Mac] so we decided to start drinking aggressively.

So ten minutes, two pints, three sambucas, 2 tequilas and and a JaegerBomb later, [BOC] decides to introduce a girl to the four of us. We all tell her our names and we begin to talk. [Chuckie] walks off with his girlfriend leaving [Big Mac], myself and the girl, Shelley, to which I thought she said her name was Jenny. At first glance, I can see that this girl is hot, but the more she babbles on about her bullshit the more I look at her and think 'well fuck me in the ear, this girl is superhot.'

At long last, the bitch stops talking and takes her first breath for at least 10 minutes.

Shelley: So what do you two do?

Now it's my time to strike.

Bill: Oh me and [Big Mac] are in a Christian Rap Group.

Shelley starts laughing, but we keep a straight face which causes her to stop and reconsider the fact that we might actually be in a Christian Rap Group.

[Big Mac]: Yeah, I'm the Beat Boxin' Prophet and Bill's DJ Orthodoxy.
Shelley: What are you guys called.
[Big Mac]: The Last Suppa.
Shelley: Oh my God, I think I've heard of you guys!

Me and [Big Mac] looked at eachother and tried our hardest not to laugh. I think she's just playing along with us. She's not that stupid after all.

Bill: Oh yeah, we're pretty big in Germany. We have our song played sometimes on the local radio station if you listen to that.
[Big Mac]: Yeah we have our own slot between 11 and 1 on a Wednesday.
Shelley: Thats probably why I've heard of you! I listen to TIME FM sometimes!

The conversation goes on until I realise that she genuinely believes us. There's naive little me, saying all this shit to her thinking she was just humouring me and it turns out she has less brain cells than single celled ameoba with dyslexia. When our conversation finished, she asked [BOC] if we me and [Big Mac] were Christians, which at this point I was at the bar on my own drinking even more aggresively.

Shelley: You're not a Christian are you.
Bill: Are you fucking stupid? I am sitting on my own, ordering shots and drinks like I invented it. Do I look like a Christian?
Shelley: No I guess not.
Bill: Well then. Here, I bought you a shot. Well actually, I bought it for myself, but I think if I drink it I'll piss myself.

I got up and went to the toilet. On the way, three of [BOC's] friends were going there aswell.

[Girl 1]: Are you following us Bill?
[Girl 2]: Stalker!!
Bill: You have got to be joking. Stalking the three ugly sisters? Don't start spreading that rumour, people will start to think my standards have dropped.

They were quite offended, but I was pretty drunk and I couldn't have cared less.

When I got back, [Chuckie] came up to me.

[Chuckie]: Dude, you should try to get in with that Shelley girl. She's hot.
Bill: Who the fuck is Shelley?
[Chuckie]: That girl you was talking to.
Bill: Haha, you do realise her name is Jenny right?
[Chuckie]: No it's Shelley.
Bill: Oh shit. I've been calling her Jenny all night.

[Chuckie] laughed and decided that maybe my chances with her were failed.

Later on in the night, we decided to go to a club. Standing at the cash machine to draw money out, the alcohol hits me pretty hard and suddenly I start to feel pretty drunk. We walk towards the club and just out of nowhere I collapse and bash the side of my face up against a post box. I scramble up asking [Big Mac] if anyone saw me. Apparently there was about 20 people outside the club and not to mention Shelley saw me, so my chances definately looked poor.

On arrival to the club I stand in the que and try to at least look sober. The guy in front of me casually walks up to the bouncer, spreads his arms to be searched and walks in. I decide to do the same.

Bouncer: Alright mate.
Bill: Yep.
Bouncer: How much have you had to drink.
Bill: Nowhere near enough to be keeping the company I'm in and enjoy it.
Bouncer: Ok, you're to pissed. I'm not letting you in.

I saw this coming anyway. I didn't think I was going to get in anywhere and my tactless humour wasn't going to help me. Still, I didn't care, my night had already hit its sweet spot.