Wednesday 26/11/2008

To say the whole of this story was the result of my actions would be a sorry wish, however, it is too good to not be posted.

I, along with [Chuckie], [Hyde], [Babe], and [Glassjaw], attended our weekly drinking session down the pub. Our plan was to get fairly wasted as [Chuckie] was back from college and we agreed that we haven't been drunk together for long time and that now was the time to do it.

Standing at the bar, I immediately scoped out two very good looking girls sitting behind us, a petite brunette with perfect breasts and a taller blonde with a perfect figure. I took a shot of tequila and carried my Speedball over to them and [Hyde].

I pointed to 4 empty shot glasses on their table.

Bill: Fuck me girls, 4 shots already? It's only 8 'o clock!
Blonde: Haha, they aren't ours.
Bill: Ok, and the pope shits in the woods. I'm Bill.

They reply with their names.

Bill: Cool. So what do you guys do?
Blonde: I work in Blue Inc. when I'm not at college.
Brunnette: I work in an office.

My conversation was pretty one way, I was offering topics, to which they gave answers but no offers for proper conversation by returning questions. This was either due to the fact that they simply weren't interested, or they hadn't mastered the art of conversation yet. I was hoping for the latter.

I leaned over to [Hyde] and whispered "We're wasting our time here."

Bill: Well, I'm going to get a drink. Ill see you soon.

Standing at the bar with [Hyde], we had two more shots of tequila and another Speedball.

Bill: That was bullshit man. They offered no conversation back at all. What a waste of time.
[Hyde]: Fucking whores. They are the best looking girls in this place.
Bill: Fuck this. Come with me.

Speedball in hand, I walked back over to them. If they weren't going to give me questions to answer, I would have to give them the answers before they asked them.

Bill: So [Blonde], when's your exams for you're course.
Blonde: May next year.
Bill: Oh, I've got mine at the end of this year. Just before Christmas.
Brunette: Why? What do you do?

I looked at [Hyde], we exchanged glances that told eachother "Finally!"

Bill: Oh, well I work up in the city. Im doing a degree for fun.
Blonde: Degree for what?
Bill: Spiritual Psychology.
Blonde: Wow! What's that.
Bill: It means that I can manipulate emotions, make them greater or smaller. I can also find out a lot about people by doing certain routines on them.
Blonde: Oh do me! Do me!
Bill: That's the best offer I've had all night! Easy though, we've just met and I don't jump into bed with just anybody.

They both giggled, the ice was broken and I now had to melt it with the heat of conversation and psychological bullshit.

Bill: Well, ok, I'll do the character building routine.
Blonde: Ok
Bill: Imagine a person. Is it male or female?
Blonde: Female.
Bill: Is she fat or thin?
Blonde: She's a little chubby.
Bill: Is she attractive?
Blonde: She's sort of average.
Bill: What would you say were her best features?
Blonde: She's got really great blonde hair. Oh, and she has sparkling blue eyes.
Bill: What are her worst?
Blonde: She has a funny nose.
Bill: Ok, now the person that you just described is your image of yourself, due to your character being female. Although you are a very attractive girl, you don't think so and you are insecure about 1. your weight, 2. Your nose and 3. you dont think you are very attractive. In fact, the word you used was 'average.' However, you think that your best features are your hair and your eyes. You love your hair, you love being blonde and you love the way it looks. You like your eyes and I can agree that they do sparkle.
Blonde: Oh my God, that is sooo me. What else do you do?

I carried out 'The Cube' routine on both girls, starting with the brunette so that I could keep her occupied. They were fairly drawn in by it all and were really interested in what I was saying.

[Chuckie] scurried over with [Babe] and [Glassjaw].

[Chuckie]: Dude, we're going onto a club.
Bill: Which one?
[Chuckie]:Liquid. Are you coming?
Bill: Not yet, I'm not ready. (Pointing my eyes at the girls)
[Chuckie]: Ok, well I'll see you in there.

I carried on talking to these girls for another half hour or so and decided that I wanted to leave.

Bill: So what are you girls doing after this?
Brunette: Going to Club 131.
The blonde looked at her as if to say ' No. We are going Liquid'
Bill: Oh, we're going Liquid. You can tag along if you want.
Brunette: Nah. We're meeting friends in there.
Bill: Oh ok.

I grabbed my coat, put it on and the Blonde came upto me.

Blonde: Please come 131.
Bill: No, I gotta meet my pals in Liquid. Come with me if you want.
Blonde: No I cant, all my friends are going 131.
Bill: Oh, well I'll guess I'll see you later then.
Blonde: If you change your mind, scope me out.
Bill: Haha, will do.

Me and [Hyde] went to Liquid as promised and met [Chuckie], [Babe] and [Glassjaw]. [Chuckie] was very drunk by the time I met him. The thing with [Chuckie] is that there are one of two moods he will be in at this point.

Mood 1: The happy eccentric drunk. Dancing badly, singing badly, admitting his state of drunkenness, liking the look of every girl he sees, getting more and more drunk via shots. He may even get a little dutch courage and get into a fight, or get a bit lippy to someone, especially if they get lippy to him.

Mood 2: This is a basic 'sit on a wall, head in hands, throwing up mood.' Not caring about anything but getting home to bed.

Luckily he was in Mood number 1, otherwise he would have ruined our night. Standing at the bar ordering a shot, he raised his arms into the air, tilted his head back and announced "I'm soooooo druuunk."
"Fuck me" I said. "You're well out of your nut." He gave me a coy smile as if he was having a better time than I was. He was probably right, but I had a bigger goal and that was to get me a girl to play with for the night.

I gamed a few girls, captivating their tiny little minds with more bullshit, only later to find out that they had boyfriends. Usually, this wouldn't necessarily make much difference, but when she says "I better go, my boyfriends been looking over at me for 20 minutes," it makes it nigh on impossible. I decided to get back to the other boys, only to find that it was just me and [Babe] left in the club. Everyone else had gone home and half hour or so later, we decided to do the same.

[Babe] stayed at mine and [Chuckie's], however [Chuckie] wasn't home yet. We were sure that he left before us.

[Babe]: Where is he?
Bill: Dirty bastard is probably getting laid or something.
[Babe]:Do you think so?
Bill: Well he isn't here.

We went to bed.

At around half past 4 in the morning, [Chuckie] bursts through my door, arms outstretched and a smile on his face and begins to jump up and down on my bed.

Bill: What the fuck are you doing?
[Chuckie]: Wooooooo Woop Woop Woop.

I looked at him through shady, tired eyes.

Bill: What the fuck happened to you?

[Chuckie] had a huge bandage around his head. It looked like a turban and I began to laugh.

He then told me his story...