Wednesday 26/11/2008

To say the whole of this story was the result of my actions would be a sorry wish, however, it is too good to not be posted.

I, along with [Chuckie], [Hyde], [Babe], and [Glassjaw], attended our weekly drinking session down the pub. Our plan was to get fairly wasted as [Chuckie] was back from college and we agreed that we haven't been drunk together for long time and that now was the time to do it.

Standing at the bar, I immediately scoped out two very good looking girls sitting behind us, a petite brunette with perfect breasts and a taller blonde with a perfect figure. I took a shot of tequila and carried my Speedball over to them and [Hyde].

I pointed to 4 empty shot glasses on their table.

Bill: Fuck me girls, 4 shots already? It's only 8 'o clock!
Blonde: Haha, they aren't ours.
Bill: Ok, and the pope shits in the woods. I'm Bill.

They reply with their names.

Bill: Cool. So what do you guys do?
Blonde: I work in Blue Inc. when I'm not at college.
Brunnette: I work in an office.

My conversation was pretty one way, I was offering topics, to which they gave answers but no offers for proper conversation by returning questions. This was either due to the fact that they simply weren't interested, or they hadn't mastered the art of conversation yet. I was hoping for the latter.

I leaned over to [Hyde] and whispered "We're wasting our time here."

Bill: Well, I'm going to get a drink. Ill see you soon.

Standing at the bar with [Hyde], we had two more shots of tequila and another Speedball.

Bill: That was bullshit man. They offered no conversation back at all. What a waste of time.
[Hyde]: Fucking whores. They are the best looking girls in this place.
Bill: Fuck this. Come with me.

Speedball in hand, I walked back over to them. If they weren't going to give me questions to answer, I would have to give them the answers before they asked them.

Bill: So [Blonde], when's your exams for you're course.
Blonde: May next year.
Bill: Oh, I've got mine at the end of this year. Just before Christmas.
Brunette: Why? What do you do?

I looked at [Hyde], we exchanged glances that told eachother "Finally!"

Bill: Oh, well I work up in the city. Im doing a degree for fun.
Blonde: Degree for what?
Bill: Spiritual Psychology.
Blonde: Wow! What's that.
Bill: It means that I can manipulate emotions, make them greater or smaller. I can also find out a lot about people by doing certain routines on them.
Blonde: Oh do me! Do me!
Bill: That's the best offer I've had all night! Easy though, we've just met and I don't jump into bed with just anybody.

They both giggled, the ice was broken and I now had to melt it with the heat of conversation and psychological bullshit.

Bill: Well, ok, I'll do the character building routine.
Blonde: Ok
Bill: Imagine a person. Is it male or female?
Blonde: Female.
Bill: Is she fat or thin?
Blonde: She's a little chubby.
Bill: Is she attractive?
Blonde: She's sort of average.
Bill: What would you say were her best features?
Blonde: She's got really great blonde hair. Oh, and she has sparkling blue eyes.
Bill: What are her worst?
Blonde: She has a funny nose.
Bill: Ok, now the person that you just described is your image of yourself, due to your character being female. Although you are a very attractive girl, you don't think so and you are insecure about 1. your weight, 2. Your nose and 3. you dont think you are very attractive. In fact, the word you used was 'average.' However, you think that your best features are your hair and your eyes. You love your hair, you love being blonde and you love the way it looks. You like your eyes and I can agree that they do sparkle.
Blonde: Oh my God, that is sooo me. What else do you do?

I carried out 'The Cube' routine on both girls, starting with the brunette so that I could keep her occupied. They were fairly drawn in by it all and were really interested in what I was saying.

[Chuckie] scurried over with [Babe] and [Glassjaw].

[Chuckie]: Dude, we're going onto a club.
Bill: Which one?
[Chuckie]:Liquid. Are you coming?
Bill: Not yet, I'm not ready. (Pointing my eyes at the girls)
[Chuckie]: Ok, well I'll see you in there.

I carried on talking to these girls for another half hour or so and decided that I wanted to leave.

Bill: So what are you girls doing after this?
Brunette: Going to Club 131.
The blonde looked at her as if to say ' No. We are going Liquid'
Bill: Oh, we're going Liquid. You can tag along if you want.
Brunette: Nah. We're meeting friends in there.
Bill: Oh ok.

I grabbed my coat, put it on and the Blonde came upto me.

Blonde: Please come 131.
Bill: No, I gotta meet my pals in Liquid. Come with me if you want.
Blonde: No I cant, all my friends are going 131.
Bill: Oh, well I'll guess I'll see you later then.
Blonde: If you change your mind, scope me out.
Bill: Haha, will do.

Me and [Hyde] went to Liquid as promised and met [Chuckie], [Babe] and [Glassjaw]. [Chuckie] was very drunk by the time I met him. The thing with [Chuckie] is that there are one of two moods he will be in at this point.

Mood 1: The happy eccentric drunk. Dancing badly, singing badly, admitting his state of drunkenness, liking the look of every girl he sees, getting more and more drunk via shots. He may even get a little dutch courage and get into a fight, or get a bit lippy to someone, especially if they get lippy to him.

Mood 2: This is a basic 'sit on a wall, head in hands, throwing up mood.' Not caring about anything but getting home to bed.

Luckily he was in Mood number 1, otherwise he would have ruined our night. Standing at the bar ordering a shot, he raised his arms into the air, tilted his head back and announced "I'm soooooo druuunk."
"Fuck me" I said. "You're well out of your nut." He gave me a coy smile as if he was having a better time than I was. He was probably right, but I had a bigger goal and that was to get me a girl to play with for the night.

I gamed a few girls, captivating their tiny little minds with more bullshit, only later to find out that they had boyfriends. Usually, this wouldn't necessarily make much difference, but when she says "I better go, my boyfriends been looking over at me for 20 minutes," it makes it nigh on impossible. I decided to get back to the other boys, only to find that it was just me and [Babe] left in the club. Everyone else had gone home and half hour or so later, we decided to do the same.

[Babe] stayed at mine and [Chuckie's], however [Chuckie] wasn't home yet. We were sure that he left before us.

[Babe]: Where is he?
Bill: Dirty bastard is probably getting laid or something.
[Babe]:Do you think so?
Bill: Well he isn't here.

We went to bed.

At around half past 4 in the morning, [Chuckie] bursts through my door, arms outstretched and a smile on his face and begins to jump up and down on my bed.

Bill: What the fuck are you doing?
[Chuckie]: Wooooooo Woop Woop Woop.

I looked at him through shady, tired eyes.

Bill: What the fuck happened to you?

[Chuckie] had a huge bandage around his head. It looked like a turban and I began to laugh.

He then told me his story...

Friday 14/11/2008

It is clear that I haven't posted in a while. My nights lately haven't been as debaucherous as usual and there is a reason for it.
My goal has somewhat changed recently. Where in the past, I would go with the flow, cause anarchy and get with a girl by chance, I am now aiming for a target to reach every night. The target- a girl. Nobody in particular, just anyone that takes my fancy.
I have come to realise that picking up women isn't down to chance. It is an exact science and although the 'routine' to do it is unclear to me now, I have devoted my nights out to not just to get drunk, but to figure out this routine. With help from a few female friends, I have devised a strategy and narrowed it down to something unperfected but field tested.
Some field tests however went quite wrong and I have decided to post them.

The "Dude that's my girlfriend" story

I was standing at the bar waiting to be served one time, I had been there for a good fifteen minutes or so and was fed up of waiting on my own. To my left was a good looking blonde girl, so I thought "Fuck it, might as well make this interesting." I turned to her and rolled my eyes, she smiled at me, initiating the first phase- Acknowledgement.

"I hate these fucking ques, by the time you get served, you sober up!"
She laughed, agreed and we were away. I introduced myself, she did too and we began to talk about what we do for a living and stuff.
"I work in London," I said "But I study Spiritual Psychology for a University degree."
She was hooked straight away. She asked me what this involves and I told her how emotions can be manipulated and changed by using certain sequences. I also explained that if I was to give her a scenario and ask questions that I could pin point her personality.
Inevitably she asked me to demonstrate. Which I did, using Neil Strauss' "The Cube."

Bill: Ok, let pretend you're in the middle of nowhere. Say a desert. In front of you is a cube. How big is this cube?
Girl: It's very small. Like a sugarcube.
Bill: Ok. What colour is it.
Girl: It's red.
Bill: Ok good. Now is the cube transparent or opaque.
Girl: Opaque.
Bill: Hmmm. Ok, choose an animal.
Girl: A dog.

She starts laughing. Being quite enticed by the whole situation. I'm hoping that the barman doesn't come along and break our moment.

Bill: Ok, positionally, where is the dog in relation to the cube.
Girl: Inside it.

This is where you have to think fast. Each answer she gives is a fraction of her personality. My job is now to make up some shit that could relate to her with each of her answers.

Bill: Ok, the cube represents your ego or you as a person. Your cube is very small, which means that your quite an unconfident person, am I right?
Girl: Yeah, I guess I am. I don't like meeting new people and I feel uncomfortable around people I don't know.
Bill: The cube is red. Red signifies passion. That means that you are quite a passionate person, whether it be with friends, family, ambitions or whatever.
Girl: Yeah totally.
Bill: The fact that your cube is opaque means that you keep everything inside. It's hard to look inside you and therefore it's hard for you to confide in someone.
Girl: Oh my God. You are describing me so well.
Bill: The fact that you chose a dog- the symbol for "mans best friend" and that it is inside you, means that you are looking for a lifetime companion or already have one.

Ironically at this point, an old friend comes out of nowhere and says "Dude, this is my girlfriend."

All that hard work gone to waste.

The Foreigner story

It was a normal Thursday catch up between me and [Hyde], just sitting with a drink, chatting and watching the football. Three girls sit down in front of us, two of them being hot, one of them not. The not-so-hot one seemed to be the leader of the group. This was going to be a challenge.

I jump straight in.

Bill: Sorry girls. Can I ask your opinion of something?
Girls: Yeah. Sure.
Bill: I bought this jacket a couple of days ago. It cost a lot of money and I'm not sure it suite me. What do you think? Now be honest because I would rather take it back if it looked stupid.
Ugly Girl: It looks great. Really stylish.
Hot Girl #1: I dont understand. (In a Spanish accent.)
The ugly girl started translating the conversation for Hot Girl #1. This had disaster written all over it. How can I start a deep conversation with someone who doesn't even understand. The other hot girl was shy and didn't say a word at all.
Inevitably, I just thanked the girls and walked off. I couldn't hack such a slow moving conversation, despite the Spanish girl being the hottest girl I have seen in a very long time.

Quite simply the work/reward balance wasn't good enough.