Bill: Wassup dude?
Jack: Wassup mate. What you upto?
Bill: Just on my laptop chillin really.
Jack: Wanna come down the pub for a quick drink?
Bill: No
Jack: Cmon dude
Bill: Ok ill be there in 10.
I get there. Still in my work clothes because I couldnt be bothered to change, draw out £10 because this is literally going to be a quick drink and I want to be home by 11pm.
Jack then decides to tell me that tonight he is meeting a girl and I'm here to save him if it all goes wrong. I'm a fucking scapegoat. Usually I would say that I wore the trousers in our relationship of what we do and where we go, but tonight Jack rules the roost.
Bill: Oh thanks. So I'm going to sit here like a lemon and watch you two get with eachother all night. Fuck this, I'm going home.
Jack: Dude, no stay, Lee's here.
Bill: Ok, but i'm going to get drunk, and i'm going to insult you and your little girlfriend.
Jack: I expect nothing less.
We sit in The Goose and wait for this girl. I order a drink and the barmaid asks me where we have been lately. I tell her that we have found a better pub and that the staff are nicer there. She laughs at me. She asks me if James has gone back to university yet. We tell her that he's just started and if she was told otherwise then James lied about his age.
The girl arrives (Girl 1), not terribly attractive, but for Jack she might as well be Kate Moss. Oh wait. She has a friend. And yes its a girl (Girl 2). Not attractive, but I figure that she will do for the state of drunkeness I am in.
A couple of hours pass with me insulting the girls and I tell them that I am leaving. Girl 2 pretty much begs me to stay and says that she doesn't want to sit about and watch Jack get with [Girl 1].
Because I am an Alpha Male, I figured this girl was into me. She wanted me to stay, was flirting with me all night and followed me about to most places. Now it doesnt take a genius to work it out, but it does take an Alpha Male to put them in a false sense of security and get what they want.
I told them that I needed to draw out some money so Girl 2 came with me. On the way, I did some casual flirting with subtle hints to figure out how far I could go with her.
I made it clear that I knew she wanted to get with me with a " I know you wanna get with me" (Ok, maybe my hints arent that subtle, but fuck it, i'm drunk and it makes it acceptable to say what the hell I like).
She gives me this "face" that says "You wish". That whole raising eyebrows and scrunched up mouth shit.
Step 2 was to let her know I have good game. I put my arm around her she came closer as we walked. "Look, I'm too good for you, but I'm going to show you what a little bit of quality feels like tonight".
She laughed. Realised I was probably right.
I then bet her £10 that she wanted to get with me.
We exchanged numbers and returned to Jack and Girl 1.
It wasn't long until we ended up getting with eachother. As romantic as I am, I was feeding a slot machine some pocket change. She looked at me with that look. This was "the moment". Well, as close to it as you can get. I wasn't attracted to her, I was drunk, and I was gambling. But still I moved in for a kiss and let her move the rest of the way. I pulled away and shouted "Ha Ha you owe me a tenner. Hand it over lady"
Girl 2: No
Bill: Ok, I'll let you get away with a drink.
Girl 2: No
I walked off and went to the bar and ordered myself one.
I came back with a Speedball and we carried on getting with eachother until the pub closed.
The bouncer of the pub was trying to get us to leave. We moved back a table and sat there until he asked us again..and again... and again. I shouted "We're getting pushed back like the Germans"
We walked across the road and sat on some steps and carried the party on.
Between the time we left the pub (11:30pm) and went home (1:30am) a few things worth mentioning happened:
- A tramp introduced himself to us and told us that we were sitting on his step and that he wanted to go to sleep. To be honest, I was ready to go home, but I stayed, getting on Girl 2 just to piss him off.
- Jack was telling Girl 1 that she was gorgeous and that he really liked her. Whilst I asked Girl 2 " Has any one ever told you that you're gorgeous" to which she replied "No". I told her "I'm not surprised". Jack, for some reason, was being really nice, so I took it upon myself to be more of a dick.
- The tramp offered us some cake from his "food stash", he then said "Eat whatever you want, but not the sandwich, I want that. Obviously we declined.
- Girl 2 ended up storming off because my insults had finally tipped her over the edge. Fat jokes were obviously her soft spot. I thought it was funny, but she just told me to fuck off and told Jack that I am a wanker.
Originally I just thought these girls were stupid whores. Turns out that now I know that they are. Girl 2 let my hands wander anywhere (on a first meeting). Girl 1 thought Jack was the best thing since sliced bread (which proves she will go with anything).
Admitedly, the funniest nights recorded are just me and Jack out together. They dont happen often, but when they do we usually have some sort of drunken folly to tell.
18 comments:
HahahahahhahaHaaHaaa - thanks for brightening up my day. I have never laughed so much in all my life - in fact ROFL !!
Your 'hilarious' tales of 'copulation' (means having sexual intercourse by the way, normally with the opposite sex) and 'debauchery' (don't make me laugh even more) are the stuff of comedy sketches.
You are a really funny guy.... I bet you are a real hit with the girls. Errr, wait a minute though....EVER HAD A GIRL ? I mean ever actaully 'had' a girl... No thought not.
Callouses on your palms instead ??
Tash xx
Natasha, obviously, you have read at least 2 entries shown by the fact that you spent time posting 3 comments which shows that this website means something to you. i am so glad that I have finally met a female with brains, because I wouldnt have known what these words meant (despite the fact they are the genetic makeup of not just the URL but the site on the whole).
Your attempts to "insult me" are in the same league as "your mum" jokes. Whilst we are on the subject, I would like to mention that I do not live with my mum and in fact live on my own, paid by my full time job in the city of London (Click Here if you need help locating) and revenue from this website.
The fact that you believe this is unachievable for an 18 year old proves that you are as narrow minded as I am. Theres a little bit of me in everyone. I am so happy that you of all people have taken time to let me know your opinion. A celebrity like you; Natasha Bedingfield leaving a comment on MY website is soooo exciting. What your not Natasha Bedingfield? Oh wait you must obviously be Natasha Kaplinsky? Still no? Oh, theres me thinking you were someone worth a shit, making your opinion as important to me as the search for a pirates hidden treasure.
You asking me whether or not I have 'had' a girl is the same as asking if the last pope died a virgin, which needless to say is a question unworthy of an answer.
Yes I do read the newspaper and yes I also read books quite regularly, and I pity the fact that your attention span cannot fit past pictures and understand words. Did you write your comments yourself, or did you ask help from the lion or the hippo?
Obviously, you have been recaptured, and won't be replying to this as the new cage they will be breeding you in does not have internet facilities.
What a shame.
Yours sincerely.
Me
OMG !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Can this blog get any more tedious ?
I am getting as sad as you Chubby Bill reading this shite !
You must be a real Sex God to be able to manage all this 'copulation' in your bedroom in your Mum's house......Wow !
Tasha xx
PS How is The Sex God diet going ?
Lost any of the puppy fat yet ?
Full time job in the city of London, which degree did you use for the high flying CEO job ??!!
You really do have me ROFL....
I know more about you Chubby Bill than you obviously realise....
Don't try and bullshit your way out of this one, you are a virgin and we all know it Billy Boy !!!
Tash
xx
Revenue from this website - I am now in stitches.....stop it before I wet myself.
You should be a stand up comic !!!
Tash xx
PS Thank you so much for the biggest laugh I have had in ages.
I will buy you 250 slammers when I see you at the HR Dept City Slickers Christams Bal. I know that you can down them all in 30 seconds, you are so tough and my hero Chubby Bill.
Tash xx
Bye !!
Sorry for typos in previous, I couldn't type for laughing.
Definitely Bye now.
Tash xx
Iv randomly met bill on a night out and was surprised to see such insults to him.. i mean he could drink any person i know under the table.. you must hve a sad little life putting posts on this website and not actually going out and getting stories like these for yourself i bet you have no friends do you?! get off ur fat arse and do something with your life because i know alot of people who have read this and found it hilarious so when you go out and do something for yourself please post it on this message board so i can hear about u n ur lesbian freind sitting in the corner of a pub having a more "mature" conversation
i don't like tash
''Iv randomly met bill on a night out and was surprised to see such insults to him.. i mean he could drink any person i know under the table''
Is that it ? (spelling mistakes and appalling grammar/syntax accepted) ?
Is that really the best compliment that you can pay to Billy Boy, even if it was tongue in cheek. He must be soooo pleased that you have come rushing to his defence...
You really don't get it do you ? There is a little more to life than 'drinking any person under the table'.
It is so obvious that you guys are a bunch of immature, recently hit 18 years of age, Essex Boy losers - all earning wads of cash in ''The City of London''.....Don't make me start laughing again.
You are all constantly dreaming of scoring with a 'hot babe' and thinking that she will be impressed by your abilities to down 4,000 tequilla shots in one evening. Errrr, no she won't be, trust me on that one.
You will look back at this drivel in 10 years time, when you have hopefully all matured a little, and think - OMG, how embarrassing thinking that drinking copious amounts was cool and impressive.
Try getting out a bit more. Explore the World, read interesting literature, exercise your minds and not your wrists and you will all be so much more attractive to the hot babes that you all so desperately crave.
Toodle Pip.
Tash xxx
ps - Try changing your drinking establishment, you may meet some interesting people. You all look so sad in your usual group of no hoper wannabees.
Come on Bill, Jack and Sam :
No retorts, or are you getting the rest of your asinine, illiterate pals together for a jocose reply involving appalling grammar and text language ?
ATB
Tash
xx
Exactly as predicted, Jack to the rescue...
'a reply from an asinine, illiterate pal involving appalling grammar and text '
Toodle Pip
Tash
xx
Exactly as predicted, Jack to the rescue...
'a reply from an asinine, illiterate pal involving appalling grammar and text '
Toodle Pip
Tash
xx
In the words of the famous tash, do you really think your words from an online thesaurus (oh btw you obviously are a sad online thesaurus searching cretin) would get me laying a brick and building a wall, oh wait a minute......no you are wrong. The fact is that you are delibrately trying to undermine an aplha male and the rest of the normal human race.
The fact that you sit here and talk about someone who has the knowledge and the interllectual standard that is obviously higher than any standard you have completely throws out any points you have. Lets face it, in your first statement you put ROFL, which is slang, then a few comments later you start using sophisticated words that obviously don't fit you even whilst you type like 'asinine'.
Go back to fisting your axe wound as it is the only hobby your successful at because you trying to undermine people on a website that is much better than anything your two brain celled ameba can come up with is far beyond repetitive and a failure.
For your own sake put parental controls on as it will stop you making a fool out of yourself on these sites.
Tut tut, 3/10 for spelling try using an 'online spell checker'
'delibrately' - deliberately
'interllectual' - intellectual
'your' - you're
'ameba' - amoeba (obviously apt given your abilities ?)
Try not to get so aggressive in your posts, it makes you appear uneducated and imbecilic, you may give a casual reader the wrong impression......
Anyway, we are drifting off the main thread of this 'hilarious' blog.
Let's have a few more drunken stories from your uproarious nights out where you spent all night 'copulating and being debaucherous'.
Oh NO ! You've started me giggling again, before you know it I will be reduced to text slang and.... wait for it.....trying to stop it....please.....NO !!...can't stop it....ROFL !
Toodley Pips
Tash x
Guys Guys Guys (Including "Tash") You all sound like teenagers arguing over who's friend I am, when in fact I am neither. As glad as I am that both 'Jack' and 'Sam' are fighting my corner (which I neither need or anticipate) I have to say that when posting witty and 'interlectual' comebacks, they have to be grammatically correct and the spelling must be perfected. However, only a sociophobic, piece of work who has such a passion for grammar that it makes her unused vagina moist, would pick up on such tiny error.
As you say Tash, lets go back to the blog. You are obviously checking back on a daily basis to reply to whatever has been written. Thanks for the interest and the statistics which in turn earns me more money. In fact, I might even have a drink on you tonight.
And please, if you have nothing to say apart from the same repetitive shit you keep coming out with, either think of some new material or quite bluntly just 'fuck off'. Dont get me wrong, hate mail is funny and I enjoy writing back to it, but I feel like I should just keep copying and pasting the same reply back as your 'arguements' are identical.
Glad to see your new cage has internet facilities.
Yours Sincerely
Me
Thank you for your candid reply, not too many profanities, so very well done.
I hope that you didn't get too excited by writing about an 'unused vagina getting moist' - let's face it that is about as close as you lot of no hoper Essex boy dreamers actually come to the female anatomy, but hey, if it turns you on then keep going boys. Just try not to acquire repetitive strain injuries on those wrists, take it easy.
Forgive me for asking Chubby Bill, perhaps you could clear up some confusion in my mind ?
I was under the impression that blogger.com only earned you money when visitors click through the adverts ? I know that there is certainly limited appeal for me with your 'how to find women' style adverts so there are no fees due from my visits.
Perhaps all your sad illiterate mates are making you rich by clicking through - Oh hang on a minute doesn't google adwords spot ISP repeat addresses and disregard ?
Anyway, enjoy your pint with 4 x straws when you collect your fees later this month.
Toodle Pip until next time, Missing you already....
Tash xx
I almost had the urge to copy the last response I made when I realised that you actually had some new material. Although it was neither witty or interesting to read, it comes to my attention that you obviously have slightly more brains than I thought and I apologise for underestimating you. Obviously, with you upgrading yourself to the intellect of cancer cell, I would like to learn a little more about you. So come on tell me why you are so much better than me. I mean, not as a person, I am an asshole, a bad person. I mean in life.
William,
Thank you for your kind comments and I appreciate your cordial upgrade to 'cancer cell' intellect status - a true compliment from a sagacious blogger....
You have to admit Billy Boy, that I have added a certain unwanted panache to your once thoroughly tedious blog.
At least I have elicited some 'discussion' on your 'site' instead of page after page of your monotonous 'copulation and debauchery' stories with nil comments from your semi- illiterate pals.
I shall now bow out of your site gracefully and wish you all the very best for the future.
It has been fun; for me in any case.
You may wish to consider the following when a 'stanger' arrives on your blog next time:
“Things are not always what they seem; the first appearance deceives many; the intelligence of a few perceives what has been carefully hidden.”
I know you are all going to miss me, maybe see you all sooner than you think, if you think long and hard you may possibly work it out.
I wouldn't expect any inspiration from your cerebrally challenged mates though.
'Toodle pips - over and out'
Tash xxx
Bill I think Tash fancies you....if you were 12 and had pig tales Im sure she would be pulling them and then running off....
You go out and drink for England Son Im 30 and I still want to be 18 (and anyone who is normal feels the same) so poor tash must be lonely and bored to post comment after comment about you and your mates on what I think are great nights out...
You go alpha males...
Hehehe
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