Bill: Wassup dude?
Jack: Wassup mate. What you upto?
Bill: Just on my laptop chillin really.
Jack: Wanna come down the pub for a quick drink?
Bill: No
Jack: Cmon dude
Bill: Ok ill be there in 10.
I get there. Still in my work clothes because I couldnt be bothered to change, draw out £10 because this is literally going to be a quick drink and I want to be home by 11pm.
Jack then decides to tell me that tonight he is meeting a girl and I'm here to save him if it all goes wrong. I'm a fucking scapegoat. Usually I would say that I wore the trousers in our relationship of what we do and where we go, but tonight Jack rules the roost.
Bill: Oh thanks. So I'm going to sit here like a lemon and watch you two get with eachother all night. Fuck this, I'm going home.
Jack: Dude, no stay, Lee's here.
Bill: Ok, but i'm going to get drunk, and i'm going to insult you and your little girlfriend.
Jack: I expect nothing less.
We sit in The Goose and wait for this girl. I order a drink and the barmaid asks me where we have been lately. I tell her that we have found a better pub and that the staff are nicer there. She laughs at me. She asks me if James has gone back to university yet. We tell her that he's just started and if she was told otherwise then James lied about his age.
The girl arrives (Girl 1), not terribly attractive, but for Jack she might as well be Kate Moss. Oh wait. She has a friend. And yes its a girl (Girl 2). Not attractive, but I figure that she will do for the state of drunkeness I am in.
A couple of hours pass with me insulting the girls and I tell them that I am leaving. Girl 2 pretty much begs me to stay and says that she doesn't want to sit about and watch Jack get with [Girl 1].
Because I am an Alpha Male, I figured this girl was into me. She wanted me to stay, was flirting with me all night and followed me about to most places. Now it doesnt take a genius to work it out, but it does take an Alpha Male to put them in a false sense of security and get what they want.
I told them that I needed to draw out some money so Girl 2 came with me. On the way, I did some casual flirting with subtle hints to figure out how far I could go with her.
I made it clear that I knew she wanted to get with me with a " I know you wanna get with me" (Ok, maybe my hints arent that subtle, but fuck it, i'm drunk and it makes it acceptable to say what the hell I like).
She gives me this "face" that says "You wish". That whole raising eyebrows and scrunched up mouth shit.
Step 2 was to let her know I have good game. I put my arm around her she came closer as we walked. "Look, I'm too good for you, but I'm going to show you what a little bit of quality feels like tonight".
She laughed. Realised I was probably right.
I then bet her £10 that she wanted to get with me.
We exchanged numbers and returned to Jack and Girl 1.
It wasn't long until we ended up getting with eachother. As romantic as I am, I was feeding a slot machine some pocket change. She looked at me with that look. This was "the moment". Well, as close to it as you can get. I wasn't attracted to her, I was drunk, and I was gambling. But still I moved in for a kiss and let her move the rest of the way. I pulled away and shouted "Ha Ha you owe me a tenner. Hand it over lady"
Girl 2: No
Bill: Ok, I'll let you get away with a drink.
Girl 2: No
I walked off and went to the bar and ordered myself one.
I came back with a Speedball and we carried on getting with eachother until the pub closed.
The bouncer of the pub was trying to get us to leave. We moved back a table and sat there until he asked us again..and again... and again. I shouted "We're getting pushed back like the Germans"
We walked across the road and sat on some steps and carried the party on.
Between the time we left the pub (11:30pm) and went home (1:30am) a few things worth mentioning happened:
- A tramp introduced himself to us and told us that we were sitting on his step and that he wanted to go to sleep. To be honest, I was ready to go home, but I stayed, getting on Girl 2 just to piss him off.
- Jack was telling Girl 1 that she was gorgeous and that he really liked her. Whilst I asked Girl 2 " Has any one ever told you that you're gorgeous" to which she replied "No". I told her "I'm not surprised". Jack, for some reason, was being really nice, so I took it upon myself to be more of a dick.
- The tramp offered us some cake from his "food stash", he then said "Eat whatever you want, but not the sandwich, I want that. Obviously we declined.
- Girl 2 ended up storming off because my insults had finally tipped her over the edge. Fat jokes were obviously her soft spot. I thought it was funny, but she just told me to fuck off and told Jack that I am a wanker.
Originally I just thought these girls were stupid whores. Turns out that now I know that they are. Girl 2 let my hands wander anywhere (on a first meeting). Girl 1 thought Jack was the best thing since sliced bread (which proves she will go with anything).
Admitedly, the funniest nights recorded are just me and Jack out together. They dont happen often, but when they do we usually have some sort of drunken folly to tell.
