Sunday 14/09/08

There hasnt been any posts for a while. This all boils down to the fact that not every night out is funny enough to write about in its entirety. However, due to the fact that it has been 2 weekends without an update containing drunken follies aplenty, I feel that there is enough to award a compilation of funnies to write and for you to read.


Last weekend 5/09/08-07/09/08 was obviously a heavy drinking session.


Friday 05/09/08. We start off at The Bull. No, not The Goose, The Battalion has a new HQ. Its just as cheap, has a wider selection of shots, and you dont have to que for 45 minutes to get a round of drinks in. Best of all, you get a selection of salt and lemon with your tequila. Anyway, The Bull is uneventful, but I do drink a fair amount. With every round came a Speedball and at least one shot of tequila. I tallied up 12 tequila's, 5 speedballs and 3 beers, hit a 0.13 on the breathaliser and left for a club. I was very drunk. The shots had hit the stomach and was pulsing through my body. The only thing that was affected was my eyes. I couldn't see for shit. When I say "only thing" i mean apart from the swaying, heavy feet and abusive language. I tell Jack and Sam "Boys act sober, or we won't get into the club". I tell them this at least 7 times by the time we get there.


Sam: Dude. We are acting sober.
Bill: Fuck you both.


We get into the club. I make it clear to the guys that I am overwhelmed with surprise that I actually got into the club despite the state I'm in.

I drink a few more beers, hit a 1.8 on the breathaliser and suddenly I feel extremely drunk. I tell everyone that I am well and truly shithoused. There are people I know there seeing me in a complete state. I find this quite funny now. I dont remember a lot of the night, but you can bet your virginity (if it means something to you) that I insulted a few people.

I tell Jack and Sam that I want to leave and get something to eat. I also explain that I am very drunk. The bastards make me wait an hour and a half to leave. Ive even started drinking water...Not the alchoholic kind of water either.

Jack and Sam wander off to the club downstairs (over 21's) but on the way start dancing with this hot blonde. She pushes them both off with digust. I decide to follow. The blonde girl stops me, starts dancing with me and tries to kiss me. I push her off and say "I only came over to apologise for my friends"
What the fuck was I thinking. Obviously I must've thought I was too drunk to be able to stomach someones tongue down my throat. I now obviously deeply regret it


When we leave, we make our way to a cab office. I decide that in my state of drunkenness that a piss against the nearest wall would be a great idea. Its 3 in the morning and I'm taking a piss up a wall in an underpass. Nobody about but us. Sam pulls my trousers down. Skanks me like im some sort of priceless joke. I need to finish my piss. Any decent guy knows that stopping midflow is impossible. There is piss all over the floor, and my jeans have landed in it. Thanks you fucking asshole.


We get in a cab (Jack also, despite him living nowhere near us). We drop Jack off. As the cab pulls away, he runs along side it with his face pressed against the drivers window. The driver calls him "a fucking idiot". Jack runs to the nearest corner pulls down his trousers and moons the cabbie. Jack is such a child when he's drunk.


When me and Sam get back to his we sit in the garden for a little while, sober up, get wet in the rain for about an hour. Its half 4 in the morning and we decide to go inside. Oh wait. Sam doesn't have his front door key. Fucking idiot. He tries to call his sister. No answer. I call my sister for a laugh, to wake her up in the dead of night.


Sister: Hello (croaky voice)

Bill: Hey, i'm drunk again

Sister: Great. Why have you woken me up?

Bill: I'm drunk, its funny. Good enough reason. Where are you?

Sister: At Kates house.

Bill: Oh really? Open the door. We are locked out.


My sister and Sams sister are friends. We got lucky that night. Very lucky. Next time Sam forgets his key. We might be sleeping in the rain.

Before you ask. My sister is 14. Obviously too young... Unless your Gary Glitter.

Jack tells me the next day, that when we drove off, he saw a beetle on the ground. Jack, being the out of control little child, chases it on his hands and knees, trying to be sick on it. Picture it.

Saturday 06/09/08

It was my cousins surprise 40th birthday party. It was a good night despite me promising myself to just a 6pack of beer. Last night was still repeating on me. I could still taste tequila in my mouth, not to mention my teeth feeling gritty from the lemon. However, I suffice to say that I did deviate slightly from the promise and bought a bottle a vodka and some redbull. There was also drink available there, and undoubtedly I got fairly pissed. My cousin (we'll call her Gemma) has a friend (we'll call her Judy). Apparently, she has a crush on me. Usually this would be a good thing. Guaranteed pussy is the best thing on offer, apart from the hors d'oeuvres and alchohol. Unfortunately, she's offically jail bait. At the age of 15, me and my whore magnet will stay way away. Not to mention that she is a mess. In fact, she looks like she went jogging one day, and someone sneaked out a spade at face height, and she ran into it. However, the size of her rolls of fat suggest that her going jogging would be such a monumental event, that the government would create a bank holiday for it. My point is, she is probably the biggest monstrosity the world has seen and is even below my standards. Anyway, for the whole night by other cousin (We will call him George) was telling Judy that I liked her and wanted to get off with her. As a result, the whale was constantly trying to get me alone so that she could have her underage way with me.
It didnt happen.



The weekend starting Friday 12/09/09- 14/09/08 wasnt the best either.
Friday night we started at The Bull again where I wanted to break last weeks record of tequila shots (12) but only managed 7. Although still fairly drunk we again went to a club. Nothing really eventful happened until the journey home. We picked up 2 girls we know and took them home. Literally, we took them home. Sam wasn't drinking so he drove. For the whole journey Rob was telling one girl how much he liked her but has trust issues with women. The girl asked "what do you like about me" with which Rob replied a load of shit along the lines of "your good looking, funny, smart" but most memorably he said "and your shorter than me." The bitch took this as a compliment. Rob is short, and he (in not so many words) just called her a midget. Now if thats a compliment I think even I would find it hard to insult this girl.
The girls get out of the car.
Jack calls.

Bill: Sam turn up the radio loud.
He does.
Bill: Jack where are you?
Jack: In the smoking area. Where are you?
Bill: At the bar.
Jack: Ill come and find you.

Obviously we werent at the bar. In this particular club, there are 3 bars, and for an hour we made Jack run around each one telling him that that was where we were. He doesn't know this yet, but when he reads this I am definately expecting a phone call. Fuck you Jack.

The next day, Jack calls again.

Jack: Where the fuck were you last night?
Bill: At the bar man. We couldnt find you.
Jack: Oh well, I started hooking up with some fat chick.

For sure Jack lost all dignity he had left there. But on the bright side he gained 10 points.

The Saturday was definately a Beta Male Saturday. I sat at home twiddling my thumbs down to stumps, tearing my hair out and crying myself to sleep. I felt like a cancer victim.

Turns out, everyone else was doing the same. We were all supposed to be doing our seperate things but each one fell through. Oh well at least I saved some money.