I know it's only been a couple of days since I posted, but I have a story from the past that has tickled me somewhat recently. I told a few people it to test the waters and they laughed enough for me to consider it for a post.
A few years ago, I was at a good friend of mines house (we will call him John), when I say good friend, I mean someone I know that I sort of liked enough to hang out with. Anyway, he had a house, I was there.
We had the sort of 'relationship' if you like, where we could sit at opposite ends of the house and do our own thing. He, on his laptop in the front room and I on my laptop in the backroom.
I can hear him laughing, out loud, on numerous occasions. I wasn't sure whether he was laughing to make a point, you know, when people want you to ask what they are laughing at, or whether there was something genuinly funny that I should know about. Intrigued and filled with curiosity I ask him, "Dude what are you laughing at"
John: Im in a chat room talking to some girl. Shes talking all kinky.
Bill: You dirty bastard.
An idea sweeps across my mind. I laugh to myself.
Bill: What chat room are you on?
He tells me. I log in as "Hot Sexy Blonde" and change my display picture to a cartoon of some Blonde whore. I scroll through the users and see "John horny England." That has to be him.
I begin a chat. This is to as far as I can remember. Although not exact, this is the general gist of it.
Bill: Hey honey
John: Hey asl.
Bill: 16/f/uk england...u?
Remember this was a few years ago. So 16 isnt young, its how old we were. He may be desperate but he aint a kiddy fiddler.
John:16/m/uk
Bill: Cool...Whats your name honey.
John: [John] What about you?
Bill: Im Sarah... Im so horny.
The conversation goes on. I chat him up and John was loving it. I keep hearing him laughing. So I ask again. "Dude what are you laughing at now?" he replies that he's talking to some girl called Sarah. I hold back laughter.
I keep telling him how "wet" I am, he tells me that he's hard. This is pretty much how teenagers like him get off. Its time to pull the plug.
Bill (as Sarah): Do you wanna have phone sex?
John: Yeah sure. ( I remember him trying to sound all cool about it. But really he was losing his shit. This was this guys "action".
John: Whats your number?
I give him my mobile number to call, hoping that he doesn't use his mobile, as my name will come up on the screen.
John: Bill! Pass me the house phone.
Bill: What for?
John: Im going to have phone sex.
I really try to hold back the laughter. Is he actually going to go through with this? Im in the next room for fuck sake. Luckily I remembered to put my phone on silent, so that he didn't hear the ringing. I literally just put my phone on silent a split second before it started to ring.
I gain myself some composure. Hold back the laughing.
I answer and in a "sexy woman voice" say: Hello?
John: Hi, how are you? (He's trying to act cool, but really isn't)
Bill: Im so horny.
At this point I start laughing. How can you not? I was in hysterics and the poor bastard probably had is cock flopped out. It's probably a good job that I stopped it there, the last thing I wanted to hear was some idiot panting down the phone.
John: You bastard! I knew it was you.
No you didn't. That's just a defence mechanism. People say "I knew it was you" when they are embarassed. It didn't stop there though. I told a few people at school about it. Select friends obviously, and they all thought it was funny and as I said earlier, I recalled it to a few people at work recently and they also thought it was funny.
I lost contact with this guy a while back. He added me on Facebook not so long ago, but it's funny how your Facebook is filled with people that you never talk to, mainly because they are just complete imbecils who think that now they have left school everything has changed. Well it hasn't, but I add them any way. Even the losers get a chance to be associated with me in some way.
Wednesday, 17 September 2008
Sunday, 14 September 2008
Sunday 14/09/08
There hasnt been any posts for a while. This all boils down to the fact that not every night out is funny enough to write about in its entirety. However, due to the fact that it has been 2 weekends without an update containing drunken follies aplenty, I feel that there is enough to award a compilation of funnies to write and for you to read.
Last weekend 5/09/08-07/09/08 was obviously a heavy drinking session.
Friday 05/09/08. We start off at The Bull. No, not The Goose, The Battalion has a new HQ. Its just as cheap, has a wider selection of shots, and you dont have to que for 45 minutes to get a round of drinks in. Best of all, you get a selection of salt and lemon with your tequila. Anyway, The Bull is uneventful, but I do drink a fair amount. With every round came a Speedball and at least one shot of tequila. I tallied up 12 tequila's, 5 speedballs and 3 beers, hit a 0.13 on the breathaliser and left for a club. I was very drunk. The shots had hit the stomach and was pulsing through my body. The only thing that was affected was my eyes. I couldn't see for shit. When I say "only thing" i mean apart from the swaying, heavy feet and abusive language. I tell Jack and Sam "Boys act sober, or we won't get into the club". I tell them this at least 7 times by the time we get there.
Sam: Dude. We are acting sober.
Bill: Fuck you both.
We get into the club. I make it clear to the guys that I am overwhelmed with surprise that I actually got into the club despite the state I'm in.
I drink a few more beers, hit a 1.8 on the breathaliser and suddenly I feel extremely drunk. I tell everyone that I am well and truly shithoused. There are people I know there seeing me in a complete state. I find this quite funny now. I dont remember a lot of the night, but you can bet your virginity (if it means something to you) that I insulted a few people.
I tell Jack and Sam that I want to leave and get something to eat. I also explain that I am very drunk. The bastards make me wait an hour and a half to leave. Ive even started drinking water...Not the alchoholic kind of water either.
Jack and Sam wander off to the club downstairs (over 21's) but on the way start dancing with this hot blonde. She pushes them both off with digust. I decide to follow. The blonde girl stops me, starts dancing with me and tries to kiss me. I push her off and say "I only came over to apologise for my friends"
What the fuck was I thinking. Obviously I must've thought I was too drunk to be able to stomach someones tongue down my throat. I now obviously deeply regret it
When we leave, we make our way to a cab office. I decide that in my state of drunkenness that a piss against the nearest wall would be a great idea. Its 3 in the morning and I'm taking a piss up a wall in an underpass. Nobody about but us. Sam pulls my trousers down. Skanks me like im some sort of priceless joke. I need to finish my piss. Any decent guy knows that stopping midflow is impossible. There is piss all over the floor, and my jeans have landed in it. Thanks you fucking asshole.
We get in a cab (Jack also, despite him living nowhere near us). We drop Jack off. As the cab pulls away, he runs along side it with his face pressed against the drivers window. The driver calls him "a fucking idiot". Jack runs to the nearest corner pulls down his trousers and moons the cabbie. Jack is such a child when he's drunk.
When me and Sam get back to his we sit in the garden for a little while, sober up, get wet in the rain for about an hour. Its half 4 in the morning and we decide to go inside. Oh wait. Sam doesn't have his front door key. Fucking idiot. He tries to call his sister. No answer. I call my sister for a laugh, to wake her up in the dead of night.
Sister: Hello (croaky voice)
Bill: Hey, i'm drunk again
Sister: Great. Why have you woken me up?
Bill: I'm drunk, its funny. Good enough reason. Where are you?
Sister: At Kates house.
Bill: Oh really? Open the door. We are locked out.
My sister and Sams sister are friends. We got lucky that night. Very lucky. Next time Sam forgets his key. We might be sleeping in the rain.
Before you ask. My sister is 14. Obviously too young... Unless your Gary Glitter.
Jack tells me the next day, that when we drove off, he saw a beetle on the ground. Jack, being the out of control little child, chases it on his hands and knees, trying to be sick on it. Picture it.
Saturday 06/09/08
It was my cousins surprise 40th birthday party. It was a good night despite me promising myself to just a 6pack of beer. Last night was still repeating on me. I could still taste tequila in my mouth, not to mention my teeth feeling gritty from the lemon. However, I suffice to say that I did deviate slightly from the promise and bought a bottle a vodka and some redbull. There was also drink available there, and undoubtedly I got fairly pissed. My cousin (we'll call her Gemma) has a friend (we'll call her Judy). Apparently, she has a crush on me. Usually this would be a good thing. Guaranteed pussy is the best thing on offer, apart from the hors d'oeuvres and alchohol. Unfortunately, she's offically jail bait. At the age of 15, me and my whore magnet will stay way away. Not to mention that she is a mess. In fact, she looks like she went jogging one day, and someone sneaked out a spade at face height, and she ran into it. However, the size of her rolls of fat suggest that her going jogging would be such a monumental event, that the government would create a bank holiday for it. My point is, she is probably the biggest monstrosity the world has seen and is even below my standards. Anyway, for the whole night by other cousin (We will call him George) was telling Judy that I liked her and wanted to get off with her. As a result, the whale was constantly trying to get me alone so that she could have her underage way with me.
It didnt happen.
The weekend starting Friday 12/09/09- 14/09/08 wasnt the best either.
Friday night we started at The Bull again where I wanted to break last weeks record of tequila shots (12) but only managed 7. Although still fairly drunk we again went to a club. Nothing really eventful happened until the journey home. We picked up 2 girls we know and took them home. Literally, we took them home. Sam wasn't drinking so he drove. For the whole journey Rob was telling one girl how much he liked her but has trust issues with women. The girl asked "what do you like about me" with which Rob replied a load of shit along the lines of "your good looking, funny, smart" but most memorably he said "and your shorter than me." The bitch took this as a compliment. Rob is short, and he (in not so many words) just called her a midget. Now if thats a compliment I think even I would find it hard to insult this girl.
The girls get out of the car.
Jack calls.
Bill: Sam turn up the radio loud.
He does.
Bill: Jack where are you?
Jack: In the smoking area. Where are you?
Bill: At the bar.
Jack: Ill come and find you.
Obviously we werent at the bar. In this particular club, there are 3 bars, and for an hour we made Jack run around each one telling him that that was where we were. He doesn't know this yet, but when he reads this I am definately expecting a phone call. Fuck you Jack.
The next day, Jack calls again.
Jack: Where the fuck were you last night?
Bill: At the bar man. We couldnt find you.
Jack: Oh well, I started hooking up with some fat chick.
For sure Jack lost all dignity he had left there. But on the bright side he gained 10 points.
The Saturday was definately a Beta Male Saturday. I sat at home twiddling my thumbs down to stumps, tearing my hair out and crying myself to sleep. I felt like a cancer victim.
Turns out, everyone else was doing the same. We were all supposed to be doing our seperate things but each one fell through. Oh well at least I saved some money.
Last weekend 5/09/08-07/09/08 was obviously a heavy drinking session.
Friday 05/09/08. We start off at The Bull. No, not The Goose, The Battalion has a new HQ. Its just as cheap, has a wider selection of shots, and you dont have to que for 45 minutes to get a round of drinks in. Best of all, you get a selection of salt and lemon with your tequila. Anyway, The Bull is uneventful, but I do drink a fair amount. With every round came a Speedball and at least one shot of tequila. I tallied up 12 tequila's, 5 speedballs and 3 beers, hit a 0.13 on the breathaliser and left for a club. I was very drunk. The shots had hit the stomach and was pulsing through my body. The only thing that was affected was my eyes. I couldn't see for shit. When I say "only thing" i mean apart from the swaying, heavy feet and abusive language. I tell Jack and Sam "Boys act sober, or we won't get into the club". I tell them this at least 7 times by the time we get there.
Sam: Dude. We are acting sober.
Bill: Fuck you both.
We get into the club. I make it clear to the guys that I am overwhelmed with surprise that I actually got into the club despite the state I'm in.
I drink a few more beers, hit a 1.8 on the breathaliser and suddenly I feel extremely drunk. I tell everyone that I am well and truly shithoused. There are people I know there seeing me in a complete state. I find this quite funny now. I dont remember a lot of the night, but you can bet your virginity (if it means something to you) that I insulted a few people.
I tell Jack and Sam that I want to leave and get something to eat. I also explain that I am very drunk. The bastards make me wait an hour and a half to leave. Ive even started drinking water...Not the alchoholic kind of water either.
Jack and Sam wander off to the club downstairs (over 21's) but on the way start dancing with this hot blonde. She pushes them both off with digust. I decide to follow. The blonde girl stops me, starts dancing with me and tries to kiss me. I push her off and say "I only came over to apologise for my friends"
What the fuck was I thinking. Obviously I must've thought I was too drunk to be able to stomach someones tongue down my throat. I now obviously deeply regret it
When we leave, we make our way to a cab office. I decide that in my state of drunkenness that a piss against the nearest wall would be a great idea. Its 3 in the morning and I'm taking a piss up a wall in an underpass. Nobody about but us. Sam pulls my trousers down. Skanks me like im some sort of priceless joke. I need to finish my piss. Any decent guy knows that stopping midflow is impossible. There is piss all over the floor, and my jeans have landed in it. Thanks you fucking asshole.
We get in a cab (Jack also, despite him living nowhere near us). We drop Jack off. As the cab pulls away, he runs along side it with his face pressed against the drivers window. The driver calls him "a fucking idiot". Jack runs to the nearest corner pulls down his trousers and moons the cabbie. Jack is such a child when he's drunk.
When me and Sam get back to his we sit in the garden for a little while, sober up, get wet in the rain for about an hour. Its half 4 in the morning and we decide to go inside. Oh wait. Sam doesn't have his front door key. Fucking idiot. He tries to call his sister. No answer. I call my sister for a laugh, to wake her up in the dead of night.
Sister: Hello (croaky voice)
Bill: Hey, i'm drunk again
Sister: Great. Why have you woken me up?
Bill: I'm drunk, its funny. Good enough reason. Where are you?
Sister: At Kates house.
Bill: Oh really? Open the door. We are locked out.
My sister and Sams sister are friends. We got lucky that night. Very lucky. Next time Sam forgets his key. We might be sleeping in the rain.
Before you ask. My sister is 14. Obviously too young... Unless your Gary Glitter.
Jack tells me the next day, that when we drove off, he saw a beetle on the ground. Jack, being the out of control little child, chases it on his hands and knees, trying to be sick on it. Picture it.
Saturday 06/09/08
It was my cousins surprise 40th birthday party. It was a good night despite me promising myself to just a 6pack of beer. Last night was still repeating on me. I could still taste tequila in my mouth, not to mention my teeth feeling gritty from the lemon. However, I suffice to say that I did deviate slightly from the promise and bought a bottle a vodka and some redbull. There was also drink available there, and undoubtedly I got fairly pissed. My cousin (we'll call her Gemma) has a friend (we'll call her Judy). Apparently, she has a crush on me. Usually this would be a good thing. Guaranteed pussy is the best thing on offer, apart from the hors d'oeuvres and alchohol. Unfortunately, she's offically jail bait. At the age of 15, me and my whore magnet will stay way away. Not to mention that she is a mess. In fact, she looks like she went jogging one day, and someone sneaked out a spade at face height, and she ran into it. However, the size of her rolls of fat suggest that her going jogging would be such a monumental event, that the government would create a bank holiday for it. My point is, she is probably the biggest monstrosity the world has seen and is even below my standards. Anyway, for the whole night by other cousin (We will call him George) was telling Judy that I liked her and wanted to get off with her. As a result, the whale was constantly trying to get me alone so that she could have her underage way with me.
It didnt happen.
The weekend starting Friday 12/09/09- 14/09/08 wasnt the best either.
Friday night we started at The Bull again where I wanted to break last weeks record of tequila shots (12) but only managed 7. Although still fairly drunk we again went to a club. Nothing really eventful happened until the journey home. We picked up 2 girls we know and took them home. Literally, we took them home. Sam wasn't drinking so he drove. For the whole journey Rob was telling one girl how much he liked her but has trust issues with women. The girl asked "what do you like about me" with which Rob replied a load of shit along the lines of "your good looking, funny, smart" but most memorably he said "and your shorter than me." The bitch took this as a compliment. Rob is short, and he (in not so many words) just called her a midget. Now if thats a compliment I think even I would find it hard to insult this girl.
The girls get out of the car.
Jack calls.
Bill: Sam turn up the radio loud.
He does.
Bill: Jack where are you?
Jack: In the smoking area. Where are you?
Bill: At the bar.
Jack: Ill come and find you.
Obviously we werent at the bar. In this particular club, there are 3 bars, and for an hour we made Jack run around each one telling him that that was where we were. He doesn't know this yet, but when he reads this I am definately expecting a phone call. Fuck you Jack.
The next day, Jack calls again.
Jack: Where the fuck were you last night?
Bill: At the bar man. We couldnt find you.
Jack: Oh well, I started hooking up with some fat chick.
For sure Jack lost all dignity he had left there. But on the bright side he gained 10 points.
The Saturday was definately a Beta Male Saturday. I sat at home twiddling my thumbs down to stumps, tearing my hair out and crying myself to sleep. I felt like a cancer victim.
Turns out, everyone else was doing the same. We were all supposed to be doing our seperate things but each one fell through. Oh well at least I saved some money.
Thursday, 4 September 2008
Thursday 04/09/08
Today I recieved an email from James. A while ago he decided to buy a breathalyzer. On delivery of this (which took a very long time) he realised that the breathalyzer was as good as Stephen Hawkings singing. Dan also bought one from the same website...also a piece of shit.
James has emailed the company notifying them with his disgrace. I thought this would make a good blog and I would also like to call a Worldwide Boycott of this pile of shit website.
I realise that hardly anyone is as dependant as us on a breathalyzer as The Battalion, but if you find your self brooding for a breathalyzer dont use the one mentioned in the email...
This is James' email:
Dear Nigel Butterworth,
I am writing to you regarding your business recently with Mr Daniel MacGregor. He pointed out to me the shocking inadequecies and complete lack of care within your business, and I've had enough of it. I'm sick and tired of your bullshit, and it's time we put an end to it.I recently had some business with yourself, and to say I was horrified with the outcome would be an understatement. I would compare my business with yourselves to the events that took place in both Hiroshima and Nagasaki. It was appalling. The breathaliser took fucking ages to arrive, and not only that, it didn't even work. That's right. You overcharged me for a piece of shit keyring breathaliser that was probably designed by a blind child with arthritis, you delayed posting it, meaning it took around 3 weeks to be delivered, and you couldn't even send me batteries that would make it work. I had to run out and buy myself new batteries, all thanks to breathalyserdirect.co.uk. And the sorry excuse for a breathalyser doesn't even work. I can go out and knock back around 8 or 9 vodka clubs, wait 15 minutes, and then get a reading of 0.01 on my shitty breathalyser. That's right, it doesn't even do what it says. It doesn't measure the amount of alcohol in your blood, as it should do, it only measures what was very recently in your breath. I could throw back a shot of absinthe, instantly do a reading and get 0.14, but when I've been out drinking and insulting all night I get nothing. In fact calling your breathalysers shitty is a bit of an understatement,since I use "shitty" to describe Christopher Reeve's sad excuse of a life. Who are you, Orbitz!? You people make me fucking sick. Stop misadvertising your products, and stop sucking Sony's dick.
Earlier on I decided to have a quick look at your sorry excuse for a website, and upon viewing it again I nearly had a coronary. I didn't know you employed autistic web designers! How can you even pretend to be a professional company when your website looks like the outcome of Cameron Diaz' period. Once I had stopped laughing at your shitty excuse of a webpage, I noticed something. You claim you supply to the NHS? No wonder the NHS is such a fucking joke! People are dying every day from your shitty service, and to compensate this you employ a retard with no qualifications to design your website, and put a shitty flash animation that pops up saying "Free Same Day Dispatch". Thanks a lot assholes. Do you happen to own an iPhone by any chance?
Moving on, lets think literally here. You say Free SAME DAY Dispatch. Do you mean the same day as when we purchase a breathaliser, or do you mean the same day as when you pull your thumb out your ass and actually do a decent days work for once in your life? You are a joke. Although I've got no proof, I'm pretty sure breathlyserdirect.co.uk had something to do with Madeline Mccann being taken away. You're sick. Fucking up one customers order is disappointing. It took me months to overcome my disappointment of having received a shitty, faulty breathalyser weeks late, and I still haven't fully recovered. But doing it again is inexcusable. I'm fed up of your constant bullshit, and as a result I will be telling everyone I know not to use your retarded service again. Thanks to you fucking around with another customer (Daniel MacGregor), I can assure you that that is the most expensive £54.50 you have ever made. You have not heard the end of this.
Regards,
James Ruggieri
Just like to say, that my breathalyzer works well, was cheaper than James' . I haven't posted any scores plainly because i'm saving it for a special occasion.
James has emailed the company notifying them with his disgrace. I thought this would make a good blog and I would also like to call a Worldwide Boycott of this pile of shit website.
I realise that hardly anyone is as dependant as us on a breathalyzer as The Battalion, but if you find your self brooding for a breathalyzer dont use the one mentioned in the email...
This is James' email:
Dear Nigel Butterworth,
I am writing to you regarding your business recently with Mr Daniel MacGregor. He pointed out to me the shocking inadequecies and complete lack of care within your business, and I've had enough of it. I'm sick and tired of your bullshit, and it's time we put an end to it.I recently had some business with yourself, and to say I was horrified with the outcome would be an understatement. I would compare my business with yourselves to the events that took place in both Hiroshima and Nagasaki. It was appalling. The breathaliser took fucking ages to arrive, and not only that, it didn't even work. That's right. You overcharged me for a piece of shit keyring breathaliser that was probably designed by a blind child with arthritis, you delayed posting it, meaning it took around 3 weeks to be delivered, and you couldn't even send me batteries that would make it work. I had to run out and buy myself new batteries, all thanks to breathalyserdirect.co.uk. And the sorry excuse for a breathalyser doesn't even work. I can go out and knock back around 8 or 9 vodka clubs, wait 15 minutes, and then get a reading of 0.01 on my shitty breathalyser. That's right, it doesn't even do what it says. It doesn't measure the amount of alcohol in your blood, as it should do, it only measures what was very recently in your breath. I could throw back a shot of absinthe, instantly do a reading and get 0.14, but when I've been out drinking and insulting all night I get nothing. In fact calling your breathalysers shitty is a bit of an understatement,since I use "shitty" to describe Christopher Reeve's sad excuse of a life. Who are you, Orbitz!? You people make me fucking sick. Stop misadvertising your products, and stop sucking Sony's dick.
Earlier on I decided to have a quick look at your sorry excuse for a website, and upon viewing it again I nearly had a coronary. I didn't know you employed autistic web designers! How can you even pretend to be a professional company when your website looks like the outcome of Cameron Diaz' period. Once I had stopped laughing at your shitty excuse of a webpage, I noticed something. You claim you supply to the NHS? No wonder the NHS is such a fucking joke! People are dying every day from your shitty service, and to compensate this you employ a retard with no qualifications to design your website, and put a shitty flash animation that pops up saying "Free Same Day Dispatch". Thanks a lot assholes. Do you happen to own an iPhone by any chance?
Moving on, lets think literally here. You say Free SAME DAY Dispatch. Do you mean the same day as when we purchase a breathaliser, or do you mean the same day as when you pull your thumb out your ass and actually do a decent days work for once in your life? You are a joke. Although I've got no proof, I'm pretty sure breathlyserdirect.co.uk had something to do with Madeline Mccann being taken away. You're sick. Fucking up one customers order is disappointing. It took me months to overcome my disappointment of having received a shitty, faulty breathalyser weeks late, and I still haven't fully recovered. But doing it again is inexcusable. I'm fed up of your constant bullshit, and as a result I will be telling everyone I know not to use your retarded service again. Thanks to you fucking around with another customer (Daniel MacGregor), I can assure you that that is the most expensive £54.50 you have ever made. You have not heard the end of this.
Regards,
James Ruggieri
Just like to say, that my breathalyzer works well, was cheaper than James' . I haven't posted any scores plainly because i'm saving it for a special occasion.
Tuesday, 2 September 2008
Tuesday 02/09/08
The whole point of the entry, was to give you a conversation involving the aftermath of sending the link to this blog to that girl.
It all started when she revealed to me that she had been using to me to dish some hurt onto the male race. She says that men before me have treated her bad (she obviously doesn't know who I am) so she was seeing other guys as well as me. I instantly thought of this entry. It was the makings of a great conversation that could be so funny it would make ur penal area sticky and your nose bleed with excitememnt.
I wanted to create a spectrum. At one end she would feel very sorry and then I could throw her to the opposite end and make her very angry and see what colours would fly out of her aggresive mouth.
Unfortunately this didnt happen and what was foreseen was nowhere near what occured last night. At first she was very sorry for treating me like she did. I was a chorus of "How could you do this to me"s, "I thought you liked me"s and "I'm so hurt"s. This captured the first end of the spectrum nicely. She replied with a series of "sorry"s, "I never meant to hurt you"s and showering me with compliments like "your such a nice guy". Task 1 of 'Mission: Hilarious Break up" complete. I told her "I'm no fool, and think I waited around for you" This is when I sent her the link to this blog. She saw everything. I was expecting a few comments about how I'm such an asshole, you know ego-boosting things. But she just turned into some malicious little "Im-going-to-make-things-up-to-hurt-you" whore. Admittedly, I'm bullet proof and anything anyone says to me wouldn't ever bruise my ego one bit. But she still tried...and failed.
I planned to post the entire conversation from last night. But unfortunately, it goes against everything I stand for. It turned from me being an asshole and her falling for it, to her being very nasty and me returning her venom. This was neither funny or comfortable for me although I took the moral highground and won the fight.
However, the conversation continues this afternoon. And suffice to say I do not let you down completely. Here it is:
Girl: Im glad I saw the real you yesterday and I dont have 1 bit of guilt in me at the moment which makes me a whole lot happier. Thanks. I hope your proud of your "Alpha Male" status which by the way makes you sound like some sort of monkey. Your probably the least guyish top lad I know.
Bill: At least i'm not malicious. I might be an asshole, but theres a difference. I ain't a slag like you either.
Girl: But im not a slag. A slag is a girl who offra there body to a load of guys. Did I do that? Erm no.
Bill: You offered 6 guys a kiss in one night. You kiss with your mouth, your mouth is part of your body. Look, this wasn't most to get nasty. This was meant to be funny to read about. I didn't want to hurt you. But you started hissing your venom.
Girl: You didn't hurt me. Your probably the most horriblist guy ive been out with.
Bill: Thanks. I like that. Still went out with me though.
Girl: I only went out with you to see if I could pull off dating 2 guys at the same time.
Bill: Im glad that being a slag is a trophy for you. It isn't good for a girl to be known as a slag.
Girl: Well its been the first and last time for my experiments and they are over. I didn't enjoy it but for you being a male slag sounds like your life.
Bill: Guys can get away with being slags. Its unfair I know. But never mind.
Girl: Guys can get away with it but they are guys who dont end up with decent girls.
Bill: If i wanted to "end up" with someone. I wouldnt second for a second rate girl. Which is why I didnt stick with you
Girl: No you wont unless you completely change. You aint exactly got looks or personality going for you at the moment have you. Wheras me. Iv'e got personality, ambitions and model looks. So lets think about who really lost out on who.
Bill: Model looks? are you fucking serious? I mght not be good looking but I have personality. Thats how I pull and get girls numbers week in week out you fucking idiot. And seeing that you fancied me before even spoke to me proves that I must be attractive in some way. Now be a good girl and stop trying to get blood on your sword when all you have is a butter knife. Your just bitter that your intentions to play me went wrong
Girl: Well I do have a modelling contract so I must have some model looks. Your average looking but you pull because girls will think your a guy who dont know he's good looking because your not. You ain't a fit essex boy although you do try. Im not bitter i'm just honest and before I cared about your feelings so didnt want to be honest to you.
Bill: That doesn't make sense it even worth entertaining until you talk English. Come back when you stop talking shit.
Girl: Yes it does make sense your just too arrogant to take it in.
Bill: Your arguement is nil. I must have something going for me to be as succesful as I am with women including you. So stop talking shit and come back when you have a valid arguement mrs "model looks and ambition"
Girl:I'm dont. I cant be bothered with gus like you anymore, but hey at least you can be proud of yourself. Your officially the biggest wanker iv'e ever been out withm so go tell all your friends how succesful you've been.
Bill:I will do better. Im blogging this whole conversation as we speak. Check it tonight. Your a big aspiration. Do I have to pay you for a leading role?
Girl: Fuck off and tonight i'm not going to check your blog. Im going to the pub with Darren. I have time for people I like.
Bill: Thats a very poor last gasp effort to hurt me. Bill is bulletproof honey. Im not gonna say that I'm out with some girl tonight, because i'm not. But still. I win again.
The whole conversation proves that she is upset, and I didn't want to upset her. I'm not out to upset any one. Just have a good time. She is clearly bitter that her plan to play me failed because in fact, she was the one who was being played.
Which shows. Never mess with an alpha male.
I showed James this conversation. He commented accordingly.
James: I cant stop laughing at the model looks bit. Is she fucking stupid? She defines mediocre. If she was a colour she would be beige. Hopefully it will teach that incestuous whore that she shouldnt mess with an alpha male ever again. Welcome to zerosville. Population: Her.
Thankyou James.
It all started when she revealed to me that she had been using to me to dish some hurt onto the male race. She says that men before me have treated her bad (she obviously doesn't know who I am) so she was seeing other guys as well as me. I instantly thought of this entry. It was the makings of a great conversation that could be so funny it would make ur penal area sticky and your nose bleed with excitememnt.
I wanted to create a spectrum. At one end she would feel very sorry and then I could throw her to the opposite end and make her very angry and see what colours would fly out of her aggresive mouth.
Unfortunately this didnt happen and what was foreseen was nowhere near what occured last night. At first she was very sorry for treating me like she did. I was a chorus of "How could you do this to me"s, "I thought you liked me"s and "I'm so hurt"s. This captured the first end of the spectrum nicely. She replied with a series of "sorry"s, "I never meant to hurt you"s and showering me with compliments like "your such a nice guy". Task 1 of 'Mission: Hilarious Break up" complete. I told her "I'm no fool, and think I waited around for you" This is when I sent her the link to this blog. She saw everything. I was expecting a few comments about how I'm such an asshole, you know ego-boosting things. But she just turned into some malicious little "Im-going-to-make-things-up-to-hurt-you" whore. Admittedly, I'm bullet proof and anything anyone says to me wouldn't ever bruise my ego one bit. But she still tried...and failed.
I planned to post the entire conversation from last night. But unfortunately, it goes against everything I stand for. It turned from me being an asshole and her falling for it, to her being very nasty and me returning her venom. This was neither funny or comfortable for me although I took the moral highground and won the fight.
However, the conversation continues this afternoon. And suffice to say I do not let you down completely. Here it is:
Girl: Im glad I saw the real you yesterday and I dont have 1 bit of guilt in me at the moment which makes me a whole lot happier. Thanks. I hope your proud of your "Alpha Male" status which by the way makes you sound like some sort of monkey. Your probably the least guyish top lad I know.
Bill: At least i'm not malicious. I might be an asshole, but theres a difference. I ain't a slag like you either.
Girl: But im not a slag. A slag is a girl who offra there body to a load of guys. Did I do that? Erm no.
Bill: You offered 6 guys a kiss in one night. You kiss with your mouth, your mouth is part of your body. Look, this wasn't most to get nasty. This was meant to be funny to read about. I didn't want to hurt you. But you started hissing your venom.
Girl: You didn't hurt me. Your probably the most horriblist guy ive been out with.
Bill: Thanks. I like that. Still went out with me though.
Girl: I only went out with you to see if I could pull off dating 2 guys at the same time.
Bill: Im glad that being a slag is a trophy for you. It isn't good for a girl to be known as a slag.
Girl: Well its been the first and last time for my experiments and they are over. I didn't enjoy it but for you being a male slag sounds like your life.
Bill: Guys can get away with being slags. Its unfair I know. But never mind.
Girl: Guys can get away with it but they are guys who dont end up with decent girls.
Bill: If i wanted to "end up" with someone. I wouldnt second for a second rate girl. Which is why I didnt stick with you
Girl: No you wont unless you completely change. You aint exactly got looks or personality going for you at the moment have you. Wheras me. Iv'e got personality, ambitions and model looks. So lets think about who really lost out on who.
Bill: Model looks? are you fucking serious? I mght not be good looking but I have personality. Thats how I pull and get girls numbers week in week out you fucking idiot. And seeing that you fancied me before even spoke to me proves that I must be attractive in some way. Now be a good girl and stop trying to get blood on your sword when all you have is a butter knife. Your just bitter that your intentions to play me went wrong
Girl: Well I do have a modelling contract so I must have some model looks. Your average looking but you pull because girls will think your a guy who dont know he's good looking because your not. You ain't a fit essex boy although you do try. Im not bitter i'm just honest and before I cared about your feelings so didnt want to be honest to you.
Bill: That doesn't make sense it even worth entertaining until you talk English. Come back when you stop talking shit.
Girl: Yes it does make sense your just too arrogant to take it in.
Bill: Your arguement is nil. I must have something going for me to be as succesful as I am with women including you. So stop talking shit and come back when you have a valid arguement mrs "model looks and ambition"
Girl:I'm dont. I cant be bothered with gus like you anymore, but hey at least you can be proud of yourself. Your officially the biggest wanker iv'e ever been out withm so go tell all your friends how succesful you've been.
Bill:I will do better. Im blogging this whole conversation as we speak. Check it tonight. Your a big aspiration. Do I have to pay you for a leading role?
Girl: Fuck off and tonight i'm not going to check your blog. Im going to the pub with Darren. I have time for people I like.
Bill: Thats a very poor last gasp effort to hurt me. Bill is bulletproof honey. Im not gonna say that I'm out with some girl tonight, because i'm not. But still. I win again.
The whole conversation proves that she is upset, and I didn't want to upset her. I'm not out to upset any one. Just have a good time. She is clearly bitter that her plan to play me failed because in fact, she was the one who was being played.
Which shows. Never mess with an alpha male.
I showed James this conversation. He commented accordingly.
James: I cant stop laughing at the model looks bit. Is she fucking stupid? She defines mediocre. If she was a colour she would be beige. Hopefully it will teach that incestuous whore that she shouldnt mess with an alpha male ever again. Welcome to zerosville. Population: Her.
Thankyou James.
Monday, 1 September 2008
Monday 01/09/09
Ok. Ive sent the link to this blog to the girl ive been seeing. (Which one you ask... The one who sent the text about me not being the guy she thought I was) Lets just say that there is going to be a very special post tomorrow.
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