Thursday 14/08/08

It's the morning after the day above. What day was it? A Level results night (Where college go'ers find out how well the did/didn't do) What does this mean? Cheap drinks and officially the easiest night to pull of the year! I dont actually attend college, I work, but still, who's to know?

Any way. I go out of my way to alert everyone (when I say everyone I mean the Alpha Male Battalion), to which they all agree that missing out on tonight wouldn't be an option, even if their mom's funeral was at the same time. So we decide to meet at half 7, which gives us a good 7 hours or so to get drunk and do what we have to do.

Fast forward to 7:30, because I'm at work in the meantime, nothing interesting happens and writing about it would be a waste of time.

Ok, it's 7:30, im the first to arrive at the Goose. What do I do? I order my first jug of Speedball (Vodka and Red Bull), the choice drink for the whole Battalion- tastes good, gets you drunk fast and is cheapest in this pub than anywhere else. Before I go on, I want to explain about The Goose. Yes its a pub, and yes we are regulars, so much so that the bouncers outside warn us to keep the noise down before we go in. What else is good about this Godforsaken hole? (It's still a dump but hey!) The drinks are dirt cheap. £5.50 for a jug of Speedball, which might cost well over £10 elsewhere. Anyway back with the story.
I start drinking. James arrive soon. Before saying "Hi" he goes to the bar to get a jug of speedball for himself (I love this guy, he's got his priorities straight.) With James arrives Dave (Tom) and Mika (Jamie)
We get drunk for a little while, insult a few people and decide to leave and go clubbing before you have to pay to get in. (The £8 we would have to pay can get us a few drinks- dont judge us) Dave leaves.
Any way. We arrive inside the club. We go straight to the bar (obviously) it's £1.50 a drink so I order 4 Coronas with lime and a Vodka and Coke. We sit and chat for a little while, whatever who cares, and suddenly my whole 6th form college arrives (great more people I dont care about). A few girls come up to me, ask me how im doing, hugs kisses all round guys (fuck). Introduce Mika to them then James. James decides that his name for the night is Tucker Max (God basically). One girl (really drunk) we'll call her Sally, leaps on me and hangs on me for a little while, long enough for me to grab her ass and tits repeatedly making sure I get a good fucking feel. (I get with her later, im mentioning it now 'cos it dont really matter much, just remember its girl number 1).
2 beers and a Vodka and Coke later, a group of girls walk past. I take it upon myself to call out "Yes" or "No" to their attractiveness.
Blonde-Yes
Redhead-Yes
Brunette-Yes
Another Brunette-No, oh wait she's looking at me now. She walks over. Was I that loud?

Brunette: No? What do you mean No? Im not a fucking No.
Bill: Sorry what?
Brunette: Im not a fucking no you asshole
Bill: I clearly wasn't talking to you. Go away.

By this point James is laughing his head off. I begin to laugh along with him.
Brunette walks over. Closer. Shes gonna hit me.

Brunette: Im not a fucking no! Ive been clubbing since you were in nappies you fucking prick!

She doesnt look that old, so I ask: How old are you?

Brunette: 25
Bill: So am I! (No i'm not haha, she dont know that)
Brunette: Fuck off you look about 12.
Bill: Are you fucking serious? You act 12! (That was a bad come back)
Brunette: Your the one whos acting fucking 12- calling me a no.
James' still laughing, so am I.
Bill: Look its not my fault your not very attractive. (Waiting for a slap now)

James' bursts out with laughter. Ive been here for 15 minutes and already I've nearly reduced some whore to tears. Excellent.

We drink some more. I decide that I want some pussay.

Bill: Dude (tapping James). Pick a girl out of those 5 (motioning to 5 girls in the distance)
James: What?
Bill: Pick one

James picks one. I walk over to her. I pounce. Get on her, without a hello (Kiss, snog, whatever dude) I walk off without a single goodbye (Girl number 2). I motion James to come downstairs. Mike calls me.

Mike: Where are you?

I explain where I am, he decides to come along with Phil. This is gonna get good.

We order another 4 beers. An hour to go before £1.50 drinks deal runs out.

I lose James and Mika, it’s Me Mike and Phil. We decide to go out for a cigarette.

We are outside. See a couple of guys we know and start talking to them. Nothing interesting really happens. I see a girl that Rob chatted up a week ago( We’ll call her Sarah). I start talking to her, ask her name (What am I doing, I must be drunk). Conversation progresses and I get on her too. Mike decides taking a picture to incriminate me would be funny.

I whisper sweet nothings in her ear for a little while. Examples: You’re a good kisser. Can I take you out tomorrow night?
This is the point where it’s clear to myself I want to get with this girl some more. I take her number down on my mobile. “Sarah x”
Don’t ask why I put a kiss on the end, I was drunk.
Apparently while I was with Sarah, Mike was getting with her fat mate. +10 points for an ugly or fat chick.

I ask Phil what time it is. Half 10. Fuck I’ve been talking to this whore for half hour. I’m wasting cheap drink time for this.

Bill: SHOT TIME!

The guys agree and follow. We get another 4 beers and a shot of sambuca. The alchohol is really pulsing now.
We sing and dance, drink some more on the dancefloor. Oh wait, watch out guys, here comes Venus. FUCK.
She tries it some more. I insult and abuse her. She starts trying it with Phil, he gives me the “Help me look.” I fuck off somewhere away from her. That’s the last I see of anybody.

Im on my own, drunk and loving it. What the fuck is this song? “Follow the leader, leader, leader, follow the leader” Someone grabs me from behind, hands around the hips. It can only mean one thing. Beer in hand I conga around the whole club. Im leading this shit. Hilarious. Wait my beers run out. I look behind me. 100 people are in my conga line. Brilliant. I conga straight to the bar. Order a drink. I’m still dancing- on the spot, but dancing. I look behind. Everyone is still in my conga line waiting for me to move.

Yes there is 100 people in a conga line waiting for me to order a beer. I say thanks to the barmaid, give her a wink. She gives me a look of disappointment and disgust. YES.

I carry on the conga for another minute until the song finishes. What songs next. I look at the time. Half 2 in the morning. Fuck ive got work tomorrow. “Oops upside your head…” I look around. Everyone is on the floor sitting in lines. The entire club has turned into a fucking school disco. I’m leaving.

The cab home is fairly uneventful. I pay the guy with a healthy 30p tip. Fuck him.

James calls.

James: Dude where are you?
Bill: I just got home. Im leaning up against a wall. Fuck my life. Where are you
James: On the way home. Im fucking walking home. Im so hot I took my shirt off.
Bill: Dude your breaking up dude I cant hear you. (Fake static noise) J-m-s.
James: Can you hear me?

I hang up the phone. Throw up everywhere outside my house.

I stagger to bed and go to sleep.

Sure enough, in 5 hours I wake up, still as drunk as the night before. I was still drunk by 3pm that afternoon and I tell everybody about the night. This was by far the drunkest I had been for a very long time.

FUCK.