Saturday 30/08/08

Ok I think its about time I posted this. My sort of girlfriend/girl i'm seeing whatever sent me an essay via text message 2 weeks ago. I keep saying I'm going to post it because it is funny and to be honest I dont know why its taken me 2 weeks. Still, here goes.

Let's go back to gay night. Tuesday 19/08/08.

When I text her "Bitch". She had the arsehole about that for 2 days. Women. She obviously had the painters in because I say that sort of thing to her all the time.

Any way. It was obviously eating away at her tiny brain so she finally decided to let it be known to me.

I met her on the bus to work. She was gawping at me every day for about a week, so in the end I had enough of it. She was obviously interested and I'm up for anything with an axe wound between its legs. I asked a guy for a pen. Wrote my number on my newspaper and gave it to her with a "give us a call darlin" and I got off the bus.

This is known to the Battalion as "The Newspaper Moment".

Any way. This is the text message in its entirety and exactness. Check the footnotes.

"K wen i saw u on da bus it was obvious that i fancied u nd i thought u were gna b 1 of these sweet caring smart mature unique guys but u r so different 2 hw i imagined u 2 b (1). Nw dnt get me wrong i like u in the way that u make me laugh which is really important the fact u have a job and r independent nd that u obviously care bout me (2) which ive never had frm a guy which is prob y i dnt kno hw 2 take it. However i dnt like ur arrogance u r not an alpha male (3) nd men r nt better than women (4). Ur constant swearing i dnt like. U say a lot of rude fings around me nd I was never around dat sort of fing wen I was growing up nd I dnt like dat(5) Nw da fings i dnt like bout ya can easily b improved nd I still like ya wiv ur bad qualities(6). Oh by the way ur maddie comment was way outta line nd u should fink b4 u speak.(7) Neway i dnt fink we r gna work 1stly its not fair to keep u from ur guyish needs(8)

Mike texts me "Always looks on the bright side of life" (9)

Nw i think tht u would be a gr8 bf but i fink me and u r a lil bit 2 different (10) nd u r generally not my type (11) but i took a chance and unfortunately it isnt gonna work out. Nw dnt want u 2 get upset or nasty(12) but i think we would make better friends(13)

Well that was the text. Hilarious.

(1) How wrong you are.
(2)How wrong you are. I only care about myself. I told her this many times and I thought she would have got the picture by now
(3) Excuse me? Not an alpha male? Is she fucking serious?
(4) Excuse me? Yes they are. They are stronger, smarter and play a more advance game.
(5) I think you need to get out of that bubble that your wrapped in
(6) I aint changing for nobody. Especially you.
(7) I was at a theme park. In the que for a rollercoaster. And I said. " It's like waiting for Maddies funeral" (Madeline Mccann) At least... I think it was that comment. I make so many.
(8) She wont have sex before marriage. Don't even ask why I'm even entertaining this. I think of her as a project. To break her morals in 2.
(9) Mike sends me some weird text messages sometimes because he's bored at work. I added this in because it was very ironic to the conversation I was already having.
(10) No shit. What you mean that i'm in the real world.
(11) By that you mean "I dont like real men"
(12) Why would I be upset. In fact. I'm already on the phone laughing about it with James.
(13) I dont do friends with ex girlfriends.