Saturday 16/08/08

Ok. So its the third night in a row on the piss. Im going for a hat-trick. Not just in being drunk, but in a pulling extravaganza. The plan is to go out with a bang this weekend, its the last day of the week to get out of my face. What's better? A newcomer has arrived. Yes Sam's birthday is today, he is finally 18. The plan is to drink fairly aggresively......all day. It's 2:30pm, the Arsenal game is finished (poor result), this is unimportant. What is important is that I have a personal crate of beer. 15 beers for £10- fairly good price. But wait. If you buy 2 you get the second one for £4. Im there. Admitedly only one crate was for me, the other being for the rest (Sam and a few of his mates). I spend most of the day insulting his friends, telling them dead baby jokes and making a point of that I'm not sorry for any of my actions and that I only care about myself.

One girl in particular, I didnt catch her name (obviously) I just called her big tits, was the constant target of my insults for a hour and a half. By the time she left she developed a pure hatred for me.

The rest of the day is fairly uneventful and unfortunately I didnt finish my crate. After 7 beers, and still not drunk I pull out the 8th to find that they are all frozen (Sam being the simp that he is, put them in the freezer). Deciding that a beer ice lolly wasnt very appetising a present the idea that we go to the pub a little earlier. Half 7.

Ok, maybe we got their a bit late. 8 o'clock we arrived and I promised Sam I would show him "The Way" (to party). As a result of this, I gather up most of the Battalion (Danny Mac, Phil, Mike, Mike (Howard) and they even bring a few mates along, but unfortunately James was at the V festival and Rob is on holliday, but still it wakens as a promising night.

We all arrive at The Goose (where else) sit around, have a couple of jugs of Speedball and get a little drunk. I see Stanley the War Veteran (He's not really, he's a 70 year old guy that is in The Goose all day, spends all his pension money and gets drunk, every day) I point at him, he comes over.

Bill: Stanley your my hero

Stanley: Im as pissed as arseholes

Bill: Haha you War Veteran. Are you gonna by me a drink?

Stanley: Fuck off.... What do you want?

Bill: Vodka and red bull dude

He walks away.

Dan: He's not going to buy you a drink.

Bill: I'd be surprised if he remembered what I wanted by the time he gets to the bar.

Sure enough, Stanley did come back. With a Speedball for me. That is a ticked box right there. Stanley doesnt buy anyone a drink. Every one laughs. Im not even sorry for spending an OAP's pension money. But still. I happily drink it. Stanley shouts out "You owe me". Hes probably going to hold me to that forever. The only thing is, he probably doesnt want a drink back, just a night with me. Oh well it was worth it.

We left The Goose and decided to go onto a bar. Who do we see on the way? Big Tits. With a female friend. I introduced myself as God to her friend. She gave me a "you wished" look. I gave her a "dont even think about challenging me look". Big Tits introduces me as Bill to her friend (thanks) and then says "this guy has made me feel this big (raises a hand and makes a 1 inch gap between her fingers) and I cant stop laughing at him. He is hilarious". The Friend asks why.

Big Tits: He called me a life support for my vagina. (laughs)

I laugh too. Her friend looks unimpressed.

Big Tits: He has been insulting me all day. He just calls me Big Tits.

Her friend is even more unimpressed.

Bill: (To her friend) Oh lighten up you miserable bitch.

She walks off. Finally.

We go to the bar. Have a beer and realise that this place is a hole so decide to go to a nightclub, get extremely drunk and get some women.

We stand in the que to get in. Sam is really drunk.

Bill: Sober up dude or they aint gonna let you in

Sam: Im ok (he says swaying)

Bill: Im serious dude. Sober up.

Sam stands up straight and acts sober.

5 minutes later hes acting drunk again.

The conversation above goes on for a while.

We get to the front. Show our ID.

Bouncer: He aint coming in (Points to Sam). He's pissed.

Bill: So is everyone in the que.

Bouncer: He aint coming in

Sam: I aint drunk at all. Im fine.

Bouncer: You might think your sober, so might your mates, so might your doctor, but I can see that your drunk.

Ok he can get away with saying that I might say it. But a doctor? What the fuck? Theres a reason why your a bouncer mate, and its because of that comment. Your comparing your intellect to that of a doctor. Idiot.

We decide that we arent going to get in. The night is falling out of place.

Bill: It's Drum 'n Base night at Pacific Edge. Lets go there

Not that we have a choice.

We go there. The rest of the night is fairly uneventful. There isnt any women in the club apart from a fat chick and a girl that smells like stale vagina, not to mention that she also dances like a gorilla.

Phil still tries it with Gorilla Girl. Hes terrible.

Admittedly, I didnt score my hat-trick, but I did get fairly drunk. It was still a good night, but just not much to write about thats interesting.

I stay at Sams that night.

We sit in his garden for a little while. Its 4am.

Sam decides hes going to be sick. Walks over to the plants and projectile vomits all up the fence. This makes me feel sick.

I hit a wall. I vomit the Subway I ate 20 minutes beforehand. It comes out pretty much still in tact. Olives, ham, cheese, bread everywhere.

I feel sorry for the fucker who has to clean that up.