The day after A Level results night. It was forseen to be a quiet one. I phoned about to see who was out tonight. Turns out, no-one, everyone is either too hungover or skint. Beta males.
I persuade Jack to attend prayertime in The Goose (Drinking Heavily basically). Just us two. He says that its only going to be a quick drink in The Goose and he's going home after. A club is out of the question. I tell him otherwise.
We arrive at around 9. Get started quick with a sambuca and a jug of Speedball each. I point out the girl I got with last night (in the picture). He seems fairly pleased by her, in fact he calls her "acceptable". Fair enough. He laughs at her fat mate. Brilliant. She looks over at us, stabs us, well Jack, with her eyes. Hilarious.
We grab a seat, chat about shit and I ask him why he missed out last night.
Jack: I text you last night
Bill: No you didn't
Jack: Check your phone dude
Sure enough there was a text on my phone. Apparently I kept calling him the night before. In exact words the text read "Getting laid. Call you later". Fuck why dont I remember this! Oh wait. I was drunk. He shows me his spoils of war. Lifts his shirt. Scratches on his back from that whore he was with last night. SCORE.
The sambuca I took earlier is kicking in quick. Mixing with the alchohol from the night before. Bearing in mind that I only started sobering up by around 3pm. We start eyeing up some girls across from us. They get up and leave. I think they may have suffered our wrath before.
3 jugs of Speedball and a few sambucas later, we decide that we are drunk enough to go on to a club, just like I said. We go to a Rock Night at Pacific Edge. What a hole. Still it has my favourite place in the world there. The Bar.
We order 2 Coronas each and go upstairs. We dance away for a little while. Well I say dance. I mean stand there drinking while we scan for some decent women. This is a hard task in a Rock Bar. It's full of black haired emotionals and goths.
Wait. Look. Over there.
2 half decent girls that I used to go to school with.
Bill: I call the blonde. (We'll call her Jane)
Jack: Fine dude. I like the brunette (We'll call her Louise)
Bill: Good
So we go over there chat them up.
Im dancing with Jane, Jacks dancing with Louise.
All of a sudden Jack starts getting with Jane. What the fuck. Hes challenging me to a contest of some sort. I don't quite know what the challenge is but he is crossing a fine line. That is MY woman.
Now I have to get her interested in me again. I ask her if she smokes. She says sometimes. (Which means "I do now, but only because you do)
She joins me outside.
We start drunk talking. (You know, what music do you like, whats your name, D.O.B, BMI and name of the headteacher at your school)
She then begins to tell me that at the Christmas Party at school she really wanted to get with me but couldnt because she had a boyfriend. (Which shows what type of person she is when shes drunk....or just in general)
I say "Well lets make up for lost time" (How fucking cheesey is that)
I move in for a kiss, just close enough to pull away before she goes in to meet me. Im teasing her now. Haha. Why? Because I can. Usually I dont waste time, but this girl was hot and teasing makes girls more horny.
She pounces.
Her fingers running through my hair, down my back, scratching, thrusting her hips into me, swinging her leg around. This is hot. Shes not a bad kisser either.
Jane: Dont you think im a slut
Bill: (Yes) Of course not. Why would I think that?
Jane: Because I just got with your mate.
Bill: It's fine your searching for the better male
My hands wander to her boobies. They are quite nice. But I get bored easy. So my hand travels down to a vaginal area. She thrusts my hand. (That means you can go inside). So I do.
Im fingering this girl like im some sort of little teenager at a house party. Bearing in mind im directly outside the club, everyone can see, but we're both so drunk we don't care.
The bouncer walks up behind me, grabs my ass. I turn round (still fingering her) and shout "Thats jealousy that is" the bouncer laughs at me/with me who cares.
She whispers in my ear "Im gonna come". She does. SCORE.
I pull my hand out and say "Do you wanna go some place private?"
Jane: What for?
Bill: So I can fuck you up a wall. (WARNING: I can only say this because we are both very drunk. Dont attempt this when sober, unless you like getting slapped)
Jane takes me hand and leads me away. (Ignore the warning)
We're walking towards somewhere more private (a market stall or something, who cares) Her phone rings. It's Louise.
Jane: Im outside smoking.... What now?.... Im busy.... We cant leave yet...I am staying at yours but... ok fine.
She puts the phone down. And declares that she has to leave because her friend is and shes staying at hers tonight.
What the fuck.
I say "Oh come on. Ill be quick" I realise what I just said then walk back into the club.
I say thanks to the bouncer and slap him on the back. He says " Dont touch me.. I know where that hand has been." A bouncer thats scared of pussy. Ive seen it all.
I go back upstairs to find Jack sitting on a stool. Alone.
He jumps up.
Jack: Where the fuck have you been!!!!!
Bill: Outside dude with that whore that I told you to stay away from.
Jack: What the fuck. I was with her.
Bill: I told you to stay away dude. (I wave my fingers under his nose) that smells like success my friend.
Jack: Fuck off.
We drink some more...and more...who turns up? Venus thats who. Great.
We go downstairs.
Some guy I know comes up to me,(Ill call him Meathead) thinks he is more succesful at pulling than I. I wave my fingers under his nose. Nothing. I ask him if he knows what pussy smells like.
Meathead:I challenge you to a chat up line contest.
Bill: What are you fucking 12?
Meathead: Its my 20th birthday today.
Bearing in mind this guy is on his own in a club on his birthday. No wonder if he challenges people to fucking chat up line competitions.
Im not one to turn down a challenge so I agree.
Bill: Choose your whores dude
He chooses two fairly goodlooking ones. They happen to be sitting next to the door. Oh wait did I mention that they were the bouncers girlfriends. Even better.
Meathead explains to them what we are doing. I tell him to go first.
He then gets his phone out, gives it to one of them says something that I didnt hear (probably his shitty chat up line) and walks away.
WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT
I use a fairly poor one of mine (bearing in mind I dont do chat up lines...Only for a laugh or to insult someone)
Bill: Can I be your Josef Fritzl. (If you dont know about him...look it up..then you can laugh or hate me)
Attractive girl: Sick. But i like it. I think you win.
Great. (Sarcasm)
Meathead: Wait lets go again.
He says another crappy one that isnt even worth mentioning...its along the lines of Heaven missing an angel...original.
I give my hand to the girl and say "Congratulations"
Attractive girl: Why? (She shakes my hand)
Bill: Youve just spent the last 10 minutes with God.
I look at Jack and tell him we are leaving and walk out.
We walk to the cab office fairly drunk.
A girl comes upto us.
Drunk girl: Can I borrow your phone? (Shes crying...did i mention that?)
Me having no sympathy I say no.
Drunk girl: Please. I have no way to get home. And that bitch Sam has my phone and house keys. (As if I know who Sam is)
Still no. Oh wait Jack has his phone out.
The drunk girl has a conversation with her friend about "Sam".
The girl hands Jacks phone back to him.
She says her friend lives in Rise Park. So does Jack. He's taking her home. Hilarious.
Walking up to the cab office, Jane and Louise walk out of it. Jane gives me and Jack a look of disapointment and disgust. Hilarious. I text her "Thanks for the look of disapointment and disgust". I get into a cab.
Venus starts texting me. Great.
Venus: I can tell you want me.
Bill: Like I want to contract AIDS
Venus: You know you do
Bill: Fuck off
Venus: If it helps. I dont have a boyfriend any more.
She tell me this as if a boyfriend matters to me.
Bill: Id rather masturbate with sandpaper.
She doesnt text back... SCORE.
I call Jack.
Jack: Phone me back dude.
Bill: Are you getting with that girl.
Jack: Yes
Bill: Ok see you soon.
Im at home now. Bed time.
In the morning I decide to give Jack a text
"You learn't a valuable lesson last night. Dont challenge the Governer"
I persuade Jack to attend prayertime in The Goose (Drinking Heavily basically). Just us two. He says that its only going to be a quick drink in The Goose and he's going home after. A club is out of the question. I tell him otherwise.
We arrive at around 9. Get started quick with a sambuca and a jug of Speedball each. I point out the girl I got with last night (in the picture). He seems fairly pleased by her, in fact he calls her "acceptable". Fair enough. He laughs at her fat mate. Brilliant. She looks over at us, stabs us, well Jack, with her eyes. Hilarious.
We grab a seat, chat about shit and I ask him why he missed out last night.
Jack: I text you last night
Bill: No you didn't
Jack: Check your phone dude
Sure enough there was a text on my phone. Apparently I kept calling him the night before. In exact words the text read "Getting laid. Call you later". Fuck why dont I remember this! Oh wait. I was drunk. He shows me his spoils of war. Lifts his shirt. Scratches on his back from that whore he was with last night. SCORE.
The sambuca I took earlier is kicking in quick. Mixing with the alchohol from the night before. Bearing in mind that I only started sobering up by around 3pm. We start eyeing up some girls across from us. They get up and leave. I think they may have suffered our wrath before.
3 jugs of Speedball and a few sambucas later, we decide that we are drunk enough to go on to a club, just like I said. We go to a Rock Night at Pacific Edge. What a hole. Still it has my favourite place in the world there. The Bar.
We order 2 Coronas each and go upstairs. We dance away for a little while. Well I say dance. I mean stand there drinking while we scan for some decent women. This is a hard task in a Rock Bar. It's full of black haired emotionals and goths.
Wait. Look. Over there.
2 half decent girls that I used to go to school with.
Bill: I call the blonde. (We'll call her Jane)
Jack: Fine dude. I like the brunette (We'll call her Louise)
Bill: Good
So we go over there chat them up.
Im dancing with Jane, Jacks dancing with Louise.
All of a sudden Jack starts getting with Jane. What the fuck. Hes challenging me to a contest of some sort. I don't quite know what the challenge is but he is crossing a fine line. That is MY woman.
Now I have to get her interested in me again. I ask her if she smokes. She says sometimes. (Which means "I do now, but only because you do)
She joins me outside.
We start drunk talking. (You know, what music do you like, whats your name, D.O.B, BMI and name of the headteacher at your school)
She then begins to tell me that at the Christmas Party at school she really wanted to get with me but couldnt because she had a boyfriend. (Which shows what type of person she is when shes drunk....or just in general)
I say "Well lets make up for lost time" (How fucking cheesey is that)
I move in for a kiss, just close enough to pull away before she goes in to meet me. Im teasing her now. Haha. Why? Because I can. Usually I dont waste time, but this girl was hot and teasing makes girls more horny.
She pounces.
Her fingers running through my hair, down my back, scratching, thrusting her hips into me, swinging her leg around. This is hot. Shes not a bad kisser either.
Jane: Dont you think im a slut
Bill: (Yes) Of course not. Why would I think that?
Jane: Because I just got with your mate.
Bill: It's fine your searching for the better male
My hands wander to her boobies. They are quite nice. But I get bored easy. So my hand travels down to a vaginal area. She thrusts my hand. (That means you can go inside). So I do.
Im fingering this girl like im some sort of little teenager at a house party. Bearing in mind im directly outside the club, everyone can see, but we're both so drunk we don't care.
The bouncer walks up behind me, grabs my ass. I turn round (still fingering her) and shout "Thats jealousy that is" the bouncer laughs at me/with me who cares.
She whispers in my ear "Im gonna come". She does. SCORE.
I pull my hand out and say "Do you wanna go some place private?"
Jane: What for?
Bill: So I can fuck you up a wall. (WARNING: I can only say this because we are both very drunk. Dont attempt this when sober, unless you like getting slapped)
Jane takes me hand and leads me away. (Ignore the warning)
We're walking towards somewhere more private (a market stall or something, who cares) Her phone rings. It's Louise.
Jane: Im outside smoking.... What now?.... Im busy.... We cant leave yet...I am staying at yours but... ok fine.
She puts the phone down. And declares that she has to leave because her friend is and shes staying at hers tonight.
What the fuck.
I say "Oh come on. Ill be quick" I realise what I just said then walk back into the club.
I say thanks to the bouncer and slap him on the back. He says " Dont touch me.. I know where that hand has been." A bouncer thats scared of pussy. Ive seen it all.
I go back upstairs to find Jack sitting on a stool. Alone.
He jumps up.
Jack: Where the fuck have you been!!!!!
Bill: Outside dude with that whore that I told you to stay away from.
Jack: What the fuck. I was with her.
Bill: I told you to stay away dude. (I wave my fingers under his nose) that smells like success my friend.
Jack: Fuck off.
We drink some more...and more...who turns up? Venus thats who. Great.
We go downstairs.
Some guy I know comes up to me,(Ill call him Meathead) thinks he is more succesful at pulling than I. I wave my fingers under his nose. Nothing. I ask him if he knows what pussy smells like.
Meathead:I challenge you to a chat up line contest.
Bill: What are you fucking 12?
Meathead: Its my 20th birthday today.
Bearing in mind this guy is on his own in a club on his birthday. No wonder if he challenges people to fucking chat up line competitions.
Im not one to turn down a challenge so I agree.
Bill: Choose your whores dude
He chooses two fairly goodlooking ones. They happen to be sitting next to the door. Oh wait did I mention that they were the bouncers girlfriends. Even better.
Meathead explains to them what we are doing. I tell him to go first.
He then gets his phone out, gives it to one of them says something that I didnt hear (probably his shitty chat up line) and walks away.
WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT
I use a fairly poor one of mine (bearing in mind I dont do chat up lines...Only for a laugh or to insult someone)
Bill: Can I be your Josef Fritzl. (If you dont know about him...look it up..then you can laugh or hate me)
Attractive girl: Sick. But i like it. I think you win.
Great. (Sarcasm)
Meathead: Wait lets go again.
He says another crappy one that isnt even worth mentioning...its along the lines of Heaven missing an angel...original.
I give my hand to the girl and say "Congratulations"
Attractive girl: Why? (She shakes my hand)
Bill: Youve just spent the last 10 minutes with God.
I look at Jack and tell him we are leaving and walk out.
We walk to the cab office fairly drunk.
A girl comes upto us.
Drunk girl: Can I borrow your phone? (Shes crying...did i mention that?)
Me having no sympathy I say no.
Drunk girl: Please. I have no way to get home. And that bitch Sam has my phone and house keys. (As if I know who Sam is)
Still no. Oh wait Jack has his phone out.
The drunk girl has a conversation with her friend about "Sam".
The girl hands Jacks phone back to him.
She says her friend lives in Rise Park. So does Jack. He's taking her home. Hilarious.
Walking up to the cab office, Jane and Louise walk out of it. Jane gives me and Jack a look of disapointment and disgust. Hilarious. I text her "Thanks for the look of disapointment and disgust". I get into a cab.
Venus starts texting me. Great.
Venus: I can tell you want me.
Bill: Like I want to contract AIDS
Venus: You know you do
Bill: Fuck off
Venus: If it helps. I dont have a boyfriend any more.
She tell me this as if a boyfriend matters to me.
Bill: Id rather masturbate with sandpaper.
She doesnt text back... SCORE.
I call Jack.
Jack: Phone me back dude.
Bill: Are you getting with that girl.
Jack: Yes
Bill: Ok see you soon.
Im at home now. Bed time.
In the morning I decide to give Jack a text
"You learn't a valuable lesson last night. Dont challenge the Governer"
It comes to my attention that Jack and I obviously didn't discuss that we were both wearing white polo shirts. Still, the night was officially stamped as a succesful one, so who cares?
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