Saturday 30/08/08

Ok I think its about time I posted this. My sort of girlfriend/girl i'm seeing whatever sent me an essay via text message 2 weeks ago. I keep saying I'm going to post it because it is funny and to be honest I dont know why its taken me 2 weeks. Still, here goes.

Let's go back to gay night. Tuesday 19/08/08.

When I text her "Bitch". She had the arsehole about that for 2 days. Women. She obviously had the painters in because I say that sort of thing to her all the time.

Any way. It was obviously eating away at her tiny brain so she finally decided to let it be known to me.

I met her on the bus to work. She was gawping at me every day for about a week, so in the end I had enough of it. She was obviously interested and I'm up for anything with an axe wound between its legs. I asked a guy for a pen. Wrote my number on my newspaper and gave it to her with a "give us a call darlin" and I got off the bus.

This is known to the Battalion as "The Newspaper Moment".

Any way. This is the text message in its entirety and exactness. Check the footnotes.

"K wen i saw u on da bus it was obvious that i fancied u nd i thought u were gna b 1 of these sweet caring smart mature unique guys but u r so different 2 hw i imagined u 2 b (1). Nw dnt get me wrong i like u in the way that u make me laugh which is really important the fact u have a job and r independent nd that u obviously care bout me (2) which ive never had frm a guy which is prob y i dnt kno hw 2 take it. However i dnt like ur arrogance u r not an alpha male (3) nd men r nt better than women (4). Ur constant swearing i dnt like. U say a lot of rude fings around me nd I was never around dat sort of fing wen I was growing up nd I dnt like dat(5) Nw da fings i dnt like bout ya can easily b improved nd I still like ya wiv ur bad qualities(6). Oh by the way ur maddie comment was way outta line nd u should fink b4 u speak.(7) Neway i dnt fink we r gna work 1stly its not fair to keep u from ur guyish needs(8)

Mike texts me "Always looks on the bright side of life" (9)

Nw i think tht u would be a gr8 bf but i fink me and u r a lil bit 2 different (10) nd u r generally not my type (11) but i took a chance and unfortunately it isnt gonna work out. Nw dnt want u 2 get upset or nasty(12) but i think we would make better friends(13)

Well that was the text. Hilarious.

(1) How wrong you are.
(2)How wrong you are. I only care about myself. I told her this many times and I thought she would have got the picture by now
(3) Excuse me? Not an alpha male? Is she fucking serious?
(4) Excuse me? Yes they are. They are stronger, smarter and play a more advance game.
(5) I think you need to get out of that bubble that your wrapped in
(6) I aint changing for nobody. Especially you.
(7) I was at a theme park. In the que for a rollercoaster. And I said. " It's like waiting for Maddies funeral" (Madeline Mccann) At least... I think it was that comment. I make so many.
(8) She wont have sex before marriage. Don't even ask why I'm even entertaining this. I think of her as a project. To break her morals in 2.
(9) Mike sends me some weird text messages sometimes because he's bored at work. I added this in because it was very ironic to the conversation I was already having.
(10) No shit. What you mean that i'm in the real world.
(11) By that you mean "I dont like real men"
(12) Why would I be upset. In fact. I'm already on the phone laughing about it with James.
(13) I dont do friends with ex girlfriends.

Friday 29/08/08

Im not going to lie to anybody. Last night was a very havy drinking session. I was so drunk that I knew I was very drunk. I didn't even need to be sick. I was past hitting a wall. I jumped the wall and it's all clear from here on. It's 11am Saturday and a stagger home, one cigarette, several stomach cramps later I decide to write this entry.

The night started with me and Jack. Where? The Goose obviously. We christened the night and begun with 2 jugs of Speedball each and 2 Sambuca's each. While waiting for our drinks I start talking to 2 girls. Jack watches. At one point I said to them "Did you know it's Alpha Male night tonight. Im the leader of the group, nice to meet you. We're over there if you need us" (Point to our table) The first shot was toasted to Jack's unborn child.

Sub Story: Remember when Jack showed me the scratches on his back from some whore. Well let's just say that Jack is going to be a father. I was under strict instructions not to tell anybody, so I wound him up by myself. I claimed Godfather and promised to forget all of the childs birthday's, Christmas' and Easter's. I promised that I would forget it's name and teach it how to drink, how to down pints fast. Jack says "This could be good for me. I could get a council flat, be living on my own." I give him just one blank expression. Is this guy serious? This is the worst thing that could possibly happen to an Alpha Male. Responsibility isn't Jacks thing. It's not mine either admittedly. Jack then realises that there is no bright side to this. "I could push her down the stairs. Punch her in the stomach or something. Shes not keeping it. I will be a terrible Dad." Yes you will Jack. "I am shitting my pants. Im not telling my mum" So when your childs mother comes round with a toddler what are you going to tell her. "Hey this is Johnny, he's a good friend of mine" I dont think so.

Personally I find this funny. But purely because it's not happening to me. I can deeply sympathise with the guy. But I wont. He is well and truly fucked.

The second toast was to the Godfather. (Thats me) The sambucas definately done the trick. I haven't had a drink for a week, and this hit my stomach. I feel sick after the second one. We take a seat. Get drunk. Surprisingly quickly.

On our table is a flask/jug/test tube looking drinking thing and some tissue. I put the tissue in it, half hanging out. Pick the flask up and shout "Look it's the olympic torch" and put it back down. Jack being the imbecilic little drunk that he is, decides to get his lighter out and set the tissue alight- Just as a barman is coming to collect it. He tells the bouncers. I get the feeling that we are leaving fairly soon.

James arrives. Doesn't say hello just goes straight to the bar. Iv'e said it before and I'll say it again. This guy has his priorities straight.

I call Rob, tell him to come out. He says that he is shopping and doesn't intend to come out tonight. I tell him that the size of his vagina lately shocks me.

Jack phones the mother of his child. Tells her that she isn't keeping it. Screams "whore" down the phone and hangs up. This is hilarious. He just screamed whore at the mother of his child in the middle of a packed pub. The pub goes silent for a second and everyone looks at him. The funny thing is. When Jack shouts or scream, his face goes red and he shakes. Im going to make a video of it sometime and post it.

We soon go to a club. We meet Phil, Mike, and Howard in there. £1.50 a drink before 11. I order 2 beers... and a vodka and coke. I also order another 2 vodka and cokes. Fuck it, its cheap I can handle it. I take a picture of this round. Unfortunately this is the only photo I have of this night out. The thing is. I remember taking a lot of photos. Just obviously not with my camera.

I see a few girls I know from school. Grab their boobs and tell everyone that one of the girls is a lesbian. She's bisexual, but thats not as funny. Greedy bitch.

I get more drunk with Phil, Mike, James and Jack. I see one of the whores from last week and decide to tell her that "I didnt know what I was doing, I must've been very drunk." She looks at me with hate. "You just gave me a look filled with disapointment and disgust. I like that in a woman." I think this girl hates me. Fuck her.

Rob calls.

Rob: Dude where are you?

Bill: In Liquid. Where are you?

Rob: In the que.

Bill: Rob has conformed. I knew you would.

Rob: Ill call you when I'm inside.

Apparently Jacks secret is out. He's telling everybody he knows and sees. I stands on a wall. Raises his arms and declares "I GOT SOME WHORE PREGNANT" He then starts telling every girl around him. Obviously, to Jack, getting a girl pregnant is some sort of achievement. A trophy. A good chat-up line. He's telling girls as if this sort of thing makes them moist.

At this point I generally feel sorry for him. He looks like hes about to cry. But its probably because he has smoke in his eye. His mum calls him.

Apparently this is how the conversation went:

Mum: Jack. What time are you coming home.

Jack: I've got a girl pregnant.

(He's told her, he is going to regret that tomorrow.)

Mum: You fucking idiot.

I tell Phil that i'm ready to leave. I feel very drunk. So drunk that my limit has been reached. One more drink would be a very bad idea. He says also. We find Rob.

Phil leaves. I dont even know about this.

Rob takes me back to his where I stay for the night. Not where I intended to stay. I intended to go home.

So I wake up this morning, not really sure where I am. I'm sleeping in the bedroom that i've never slept before. I ask myself. Didn't Rob bring me back here this morning? Im sure he did.

Surreal moment.

Thursday 28/8/08

This week has been Beta Male week. I'm skint, everyone is skint. With no money we cant go out. These things do cost money you know.

But fear not. Friday tomorrow.

I may possibly have a story to tell come saturday.

Monday 25/8/08

I arrived home from Innovation 12pm Sunday Afternoon and went straight to bed. It 4pm Monday and i've just woken up. This surely classes as an offical coma. Thats what drugs do to you. Take this from me. Dont ever take pills. They fuck you up. That was a first and last time for me. The buzz was horrible, I felt sick constantly for...well from about 4am to now really. Im not buzzing but I feel sick still. I dont want to eat, drink and my head feels like Rikki Lake and Pavarotti are having sex in it. THUMP THUMP THUMP.

I can honestly say that after 28 hours sleep I feel fucked. I feel like I need another 28 hours.

Saturday 23/08/08

Its Thursday today. Its taken me all week to try and find a way to make a story about Saturday night without mentioning a certain aspect of the night. However, this story isn't worth telling without it.

Saturday night was Innovation. For those that dont know, it's quite possibly one of the, if not THE biggest Drum 'n Bass event of the year. Attended by myself obviously, Mike and Phil but the night was fairly uneventful and isn't really worth telling about unless you were there. Everyone was pilled up to the max. And like a dirty little sheep I conformed. Admittedly it's the first time and the last I will do that shit.

Me and Mike popped a Loveheart (powerful) at around half 3 in the morning and we were buzzing off of our tits till around 11am.

I remember that the women there were unbelievable. Walking around in hot pants and bras, camel toes and nipples poking through. However, tonight was about dancing, not being on the pull. This story is purely debauchery.

The shennanigans didnt really start until we left the club. Walking from SEone at London Bridge to get the N15 nightbus from Eastcheap just before Fenchurch Street. We picked up a guy along the way with his girlfriend who lived near us. He threw his guts up before he got on the bus... and during the bus journey.

Phil, crashes out in the luggage rack on the bus. Me and Mike leave him and go upstairs to find proper seats. Back seats. SCORE. We stretch out. Mike feels sick. His face looks yellow. I tell him he looks like someone from The Simpsons. We are so out of our box. We cant stop smiling at eachother. Everything is funny. Two indian guys sitting next to Mike are talking..in Indian. To us the sounds like some sort of Drum 'n Bass rap. We start dancing, still sitting down.

Mike starts to fall asleep. Oh wait, hes gone. Snoring away, still with a huge grin on his face. I took it upon myself to take a picture.

Unfortunately the flash woke the bastard up, otherwise I wouldv'e got a few more. He looks up at me. Calls me a cunt and demands that the picture doesnt go on facebook. (I kept my word. It's on here instead.) He looks around him, opens his legs, leans forward and vomits all over the bus floor. Everyone on the bus looks at him, for a second. Silence, literally for a second, then carries on with their conversation. Obviously, people vomiting their intoxications over the bus is normal.

Im not happy. Now I have Mikes hot sick splashed up my trainers.

Mike: That's me done. I feel better now.

Bill: Fuck you dude

I send Phil a text.

Bill: Dude Mike's just thrown up everywhere. Come upstairs, theres seats here.

Phil: Dirty bastard. Na mate, im all stretched out in the luggage rack, much better.

Bill: You dickhead. We're on cushions. Mike's been sick and we're still comfortable.

Phil: How long does this journey take?

The journey takes about an hour and a half. I tell him this.

Me and Mike carry on with the banter. Laughing at everything, smiling, dancing, singing. Im fairly sure everyone else on the top deck of the bus is getting pissed off at us. We are being loud, but we are so out of our nut that we couldnt care less. I feel sick. Really sick. All this laughing. All the bumps, starts and stops from the bus. Looking at Mikes yellowness.

Mike's phone falls out of his pocket, into the puddle of sick. He swears. Picks it up, wipes it on the seat. He looks at it. The camera's lens has smashed. He is really pissed off now.

I find it funny. But then everything is funny.

Mike recieves a text from Phil.

Phil: How long does this journey take.

Is he fucking serious?

Mike calls him back.

Mike: It takes the same time minus the time we've had you fucking idiot. Come upstairs theres loads of seats.

Phil comes up. He looks ill too. He's as white as a whores spit cup, eyes watering. Still smiling though. He's out of his nut too.

We all chat a bit more until Phil gets off the bus. Me and Mike decide to stay on and get a cab, despite that walking from this stop would be faster.

The closer we get to the last stop, the more sick I feel. I pretty much fall out of the bus. And projectile vomit up a bin. Not in the bin. Doing my bit for the floor you see. A guy is standing at the bus stop. See's me vomit and walks off. Fucking imbecile. Hasn't he ever been so heavily intoxicated before that he throws his guts up? If not, he needs to get a life. Theres nothing I like more than getting heavily intoxicated. Any way. The bus stop that we are sitting at is about 10 yards in front of the cab office. But its raining fairly heavily. And we are so out of our nut that we act like the rain might kill us. So we sit for a good half hour staring at the floor and wait for the rain to stop.

It doesn't.

We get bored and just get a cab.

The cab driver is playing Indian music. Of course. We find this funny.

We get back to Mikes at around half 5 and sit in his shed. (Its not just a shed. It has a sofa) etc. And we chat shit for several hours, smoke, and try to sleep but fail. The buzz was still there at 11 am, so much to the point that we got bored of it.

The pills did make me hallucinate. Around me I could see people dancing. They werent just silhouettes. They were vivid people that I could see. They were dancing to the drum and bass that I could hear in my head. At one point i said to Mike "This bitch of a woman keeps dancing in front of me. Shes pumping her face into mine. I wanna strangle the bitch, but she aint real." At least I know a sense reality when I'm buzzing from pills.

A good night for us. But unfortunately not for you to read about. If anything particularly Alpha Male-ish did happen. I dont remember.

Wednesday 20/08/08

Im at work. Bored. Again.

I start reading Tucker Max. if I havent told you about Him yet, look him up, read about him. tuckermax.com... read his book "I hope they serve beer in Hell". Anyway. As usual I start from the beginning. The Sushi Pants Story. The story involving a breathalyzer. What a great idea.

I buy one. I figure this is going to increase the quality of our nights out by 25%-30%.

Its a ready made contest. Whoever is the most drunk at the end of the night wins.

This is only a quick post. Just a little information that I think you should know.

I dont plan on going out tonight. Even I have to take a night off sometimes. So dont expect any posts about Wednesday night's antics.

Tuesday 19/08/08

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Saturday 16/08/08

Ok. So its the third night in a row on the piss. Im going for a hat-trick. Not just in being drunk, but in a pulling extravaganza. The plan is to go out with a bang this weekend, its the last day of the week to get out of my face. What's better? A newcomer has arrived. Yes Sam's birthday is today, he is finally 18. The plan is to drink fairly aggresively......all day. It's 2:30pm, the Arsenal game is finished (poor result), this is unimportant. What is important is that I have a personal crate of beer. 15 beers for £10- fairly good price. But wait. If you buy 2 you get the second one for £4. Im there. Admitedly only one crate was for me, the other being for the rest (Sam and a few of his mates). I spend most of the day insulting his friends, telling them dead baby jokes and making a point of that I'm not sorry for any of my actions and that I only care about myself.

One girl in particular, I didnt catch her name (obviously) I just called her big tits, was the constant target of my insults for a hour and a half. By the time she left she developed a pure hatred for me.

The rest of the day is fairly uneventful and unfortunately I didnt finish my crate. After 7 beers, and still not drunk I pull out the 8th to find that they are all frozen (Sam being the simp that he is, put them in the freezer). Deciding that a beer ice lolly wasnt very appetising a present the idea that we go to the pub a little earlier. Half 7.

Ok, maybe we got their a bit late. 8 o'clock we arrived and I promised Sam I would show him "The Way" (to party). As a result of this, I gather up most of the Battalion (Danny Mac, Phil, Mike, Mike (Howard) and they even bring a few mates along, but unfortunately James was at the V festival and Rob is on holliday, but still it wakens as a promising night.

We all arrive at The Goose (where else) sit around, have a couple of jugs of Speedball and get a little drunk. I see Stanley the War Veteran (He's not really, he's a 70 year old guy that is in The Goose all day, spends all his pension money and gets drunk, every day) I point at him, he comes over.

Bill: Stanley your my hero

Stanley: Im as pissed as arseholes

Bill: Haha you War Veteran. Are you gonna by me a drink?

Stanley: Fuck off.... What do you want?

Bill: Vodka and red bull dude

He walks away.

Dan: He's not going to buy you a drink.

Bill: I'd be surprised if he remembered what I wanted by the time he gets to the bar.

Sure enough, Stanley did come back. With a Speedball for me. That is a ticked box right there. Stanley doesnt buy anyone a drink. Every one laughs. Im not even sorry for spending an OAP's pension money. But still. I happily drink it. Stanley shouts out "You owe me". Hes probably going to hold me to that forever. The only thing is, he probably doesnt want a drink back, just a night with me. Oh well it was worth it.

We left The Goose and decided to go onto a bar. Who do we see on the way? Big Tits. With a female friend. I introduced myself as God to her friend. She gave me a "you wished" look. I gave her a "dont even think about challenging me look". Big Tits introduces me as Bill to her friend (thanks) and then says "this guy has made me feel this big (raises a hand and makes a 1 inch gap between her fingers) and I cant stop laughing at him. He is hilarious". The Friend asks why.

Big Tits: He called me a life support for my vagina. (laughs)

I laugh too. Her friend looks unimpressed.

Big Tits: He has been insulting me all day. He just calls me Big Tits.

Her friend is even more unimpressed.

Bill: (To her friend) Oh lighten up you miserable bitch.

She walks off. Finally.

We go to the bar. Have a beer and realise that this place is a hole so decide to go to a nightclub, get extremely drunk and get some women.

We stand in the que to get in. Sam is really drunk.

Bill: Sober up dude or they aint gonna let you in

Sam: Im ok (he says swaying)

Bill: Im serious dude. Sober up.

Sam stands up straight and acts sober.

5 minutes later hes acting drunk again.

The conversation above goes on for a while.

We get to the front. Show our ID.

Bouncer: He aint coming in (Points to Sam). He's pissed.

Bill: So is everyone in the que.

Bouncer: He aint coming in

Sam: I aint drunk at all. Im fine.

Bouncer: You might think your sober, so might your mates, so might your doctor, but I can see that your drunk.

Ok he can get away with saying that I might say it. But a doctor? What the fuck? Theres a reason why your a bouncer mate, and its because of that comment. Your comparing your intellect to that of a doctor. Idiot.

We decide that we arent going to get in. The night is falling out of place.

Bill: It's Drum 'n Base night at Pacific Edge. Lets go there

Not that we have a choice.

We go there. The rest of the night is fairly uneventful. There isnt any women in the club apart from a fat chick and a girl that smells like stale vagina, not to mention that she also dances like a gorilla.

Phil still tries it with Gorilla Girl. Hes terrible.

Admittedly, I didnt score my hat-trick, but I did get fairly drunk. It was still a good night, but just not much to write about thats interesting.

I stay at Sams that night.

We sit in his garden for a little while. Its 4am.

Sam decides hes going to be sick. Walks over to the plants and projectile vomits all up the fence. This makes me feel sick.

I hit a wall. I vomit the Subway I ate 20 minutes beforehand. It comes out pretty much still in tact. Olives, ham, cheese, bread everywhere.

I feel sorry for the fucker who has to clean that up.

Friday 15/08/08

The day after A Level results night. It was forseen to be a quiet one. I phoned about to see who was out tonight. Turns out, no-one, everyone is either too hungover or skint. Beta males.

I persuade Jack to attend prayertime in The Goose (Drinking Heavily basically). Just us two. He says that its only going to be a quick drink in The Goose and he's going home after. A club is out of the question. I tell him otherwise.



We arrive at around 9. Get started quick with a sambuca and a jug of Speedball each. I point out the girl I got with last night (in the picture). He seems fairly pleased by her, in fact he calls her "acceptable". Fair enough. He laughs at her fat mate. Brilliant. She looks over at us, stabs us, well Jack, with her eyes. Hilarious.



We grab a seat, chat about shit and I ask him why he missed out last night.

Jack: I text you last night

Bill: No you didn't

Jack: Check your phone dude



Sure enough there was a text on my phone. Apparently I kept calling him the night before. In exact words the text read "Getting laid. Call you later". Fuck why dont I remember this! Oh wait. I was drunk. He shows me his spoils of war. Lifts his shirt. Scratches on his back from that whore he was with last night. SCORE.



The sambuca I took earlier is kicking in quick. Mixing with the alchohol from the night before. Bearing in mind that I only started sobering up by around 3pm. We start eyeing up some girls across from us. They get up and leave. I think they may have suffered our wrath before.



3 jugs of Speedball and a few sambucas later, we decide that we are drunk enough to go on to a club, just like I said. We go to a Rock Night at Pacific Edge. What a hole. Still it has my favourite place in the world there. The Bar.



We order 2 Coronas each and go upstairs. We dance away for a little while. Well I say dance. I mean stand there drinking while we scan for some decent women. This is a hard task in a Rock Bar. It's full of black haired emotionals and goths.



Wait. Look. Over there.

2 half decent girls that I used to go to school with.

Bill: I call the blonde. (We'll call her Jane)

Jack: Fine dude. I like the brunette (We'll call her Louise)

Bill: Good



So we go over there chat them up.

Im dancing with Jane, Jacks dancing with Louise.

All of a sudden Jack starts getting with Jane. What the fuck. Hes challenging me to a contest of some sort. I don't quite know what the challenge is but he is crossing a fine line. That is MY woman.

Now I have to get her interested in me again. I ask her if she smokes. She says sometimes. (Which means "I do now, but only because you do)

She joins me outside.

We start drunk talking. (You know, what music do you like, whats your name, D.O.B, BMI and name of the headteacher at your school)

She then begins to tell me that at the Christmas Party at school she really wanted to get with me but couldnt because she had a boyfriend. (Which shows what type of person she is when shes drunk....or just in general)

I say "Well lets make up for lost time" (How fucking cheesey is that)

I move in for a kiss, just close enough to pull away before she goes in to meet me. Im teasing her now. Haha. Why? Because I can. Usually I dont waste time, but this girl was hot and teasing makes girls more horny.

She pounces.

Her fingers running through my hair, down my back, scratching, thrusting her hips into me, swinging her leg around. This is hot. Shes not a bad kisser either.
Jane: Dont you think im a slut
Bill: (Yes) Of course not. Why would I think that?
Jane: Because I just got with your mate.
Bill: It's fine your searching for the better male

My hands wander to her boobies. They are quite nice. But I get bored easy. So my hand travels down to a vaginal area. She thrusts my hand. (That means you can go inside). So I do.

Im fingering this girl like im some sort of little teenager at a house party. Bearing in mind im directly outside the club, everyone can see, but we're both so drunk we don't care.

The bouncer walks up behind me, grabs my ass. I turn round (still fingering her) and shout "Thats jealousy that is" the bouncer laughs at me/with me who cares.

She whispers in my ear "Im gonna come". She does. SCORE.

I pull my hand out and say "Do you wanna go some place private?"

Jane: What for?

Bill: So I can fuck you up a wall. (WARNING: I can only say this because we are both very drunk. Dont attempt this when sober, unless you like getting slapped)

Jane takes me hand and leads me away. (Ignore the warning)

We're walking towards somewhere more private (a market stall or something, who cares) Her phone rings. It's Louise.
Jane: Im outside smoking.... What now?.... Im busy.... We cant leave yet...I am staying at yours but... ok fine.
She puts the phone down. And declares that she has to leave because her friend is and shes staying at hers tonight.
What the fuck.
I say "Oh come on. Ill be quick" I realise what I just said then walk back into the club.
I say thanks to the bouncer and slap him on the back. He says " Dont touch me.. I know where that hand has been." A bouncer thats scared of pussy. Ive seen it all.
I go back upstairs to find Jack sitting on a stool. Alone.
He jumps up.
Jack: Where the fuck have you been!!!!!
Bill: Outside dude with that whore that I told you to stay away from.
Jack: What the fuck. I was with her.
Bill: I told you to stay away dude. (I wave my fingers under his nose) that smells like success my friend.
Jack: Fuck off.

We drink some more...and more...who turns up? Venus thats who. Great.
We go downstairs.
Some guy I know comes up to me,(Ill call him Meathead) thinks he is more succesful at pulling than I. I wave my fingers under his nose. Nothing. I ask him if he knows what pussy smells like.
Meathead:I challenge you to a chat up line contest.
Bill: What are you fucking 12?
Meathead: Its my 20th birthday today.

Bearing in mind this guy is on his own in a club on his birthday. No wonder if he challenges people to fucking chat up line competitions.
Im not one to turn down a challenge so I agree.

Bill: Choose your whores dude

He chooses two fairly goodlooking ones. They happen to be sitting next to the door. Oh wait did I mention that they were the bouncers girlfriends. Even better.

Meathead explains to them what we are doing. I tell him to go first.
He then gets his phone out, gives it to one of them says something that I didnt hear (probably his shitty chat up line) and walks away.

WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT

I use a fairly poor one of mine (bearing in mind I dont do chat up lines...Only for a laugh or to insult someone)
Bill: Can I be your Josef Fritzl. (If you dont know about him...look it up..then you can laugh or hate me)

Attractive girl: Sick. But i like it. I think you win.
Great. (Sarcasm)
Meathead: Wait lets go again.

He says another crappy one that isnt even worth mentioning...its along the lines of Heaven missing an angel...original.

I give my hand to the girl and say "Congratulations"
Attractive girl: Why? (She shakes my hand)
Bill: Youve just spent the last 10 minutes with God.

I look at Jack and tell him we are leaving and walk out.

We walk to the cab office fairly drunk.

A girl comes upto us.

Drunk girl: Can I borrow your phone? (Shes crying...did i mention that?)
Me having no sympathy I say no.
Drunk girl: Please. I have no way to get home. And that bitch Sam has my phone and house keys. (As if I know who Sam is)
Still no. Oh wait Jack has his phone out.
The drunk girl has a conversation with her friend about "Sam".
The girl hands Jacks phone back to him.
She says her friend lives in Rise Park. So does Jack. He's taking her home. Hilarious.

Walking up to the cab office, Jane and Louise walk out of it. Jane gives me and Jack a look of disapointment and disgust. Hilarious. I text her "Thanks for the look of disapointment and disgust". I get into a cab.

Venus starts texting me. Great.

Venus: I can tell you want me.
Bill: Like I want to contract AIDS
Venus: You know you do
Bill: Fuck off
Venus: If it helps. I dont have a boyfriend any more.
She tell me this as if a boyfriend matters to me.
Bill: Id rather masturbate with sandpaper.
She doesnt text back... SCORE.

I call Jack.
Jack: Phone me back dude.
Bill: Are you getting with that girl.
Jack: Yes
Bill: Ok see you soon.

Im at home now. Bed time.

In the morning I decide to give Jack a text

"You learn't a valuable lesson last night. Dont challenge the Governer"

It comes to my attention that Jack and I obviously didn't discuss that we were both wearing white polo shirts. Still, the night was officially stamped as a succesful one, so who cares?

Thursday 14/08/08

It's the morning after the day above. What day was it? A Level results night (Where college go'ers find out how well the did/didn't do) What does this mean? Cheap drinks and officially the easiest night to pull of the year! I dont actually attend college, I work, but still, who's to know?

Any way. I go out of my way to alert everyone (when I say everyone I mean the Alpha Male Battalion), to which they all agree that missing out on tonight wouldn't be an option, even if their mom's funeral was at the same time. So we decide to meet at half 7, which gives us a good 7 hours or so to get drunk and do what we have to do.

Fast forward to 7:30, because I'm at work in the meantime, nothing interesting happens and writing about it would be a waste of time.

Ok, it's 7:30, im the first to arrive at the Goose. What do I do? I order my first jug of Speedball (Vodka and Red Bull), the choice drink for the whole Battalion- tastes good, gets you drunk fast and is cheapest in this pub than anywhere else. Before I go on, I want to explain about The Goose. Yes its a pub, and yes we are regulars, so much so that the bouncers outside warn us to keep the noise down before we go in. What else is good about this Godforsaken hole? (It's still a dump but hey!) The drinks are dirt cheap. £5.50 for a jug of Speedball, which might cost well over £10 elsewhere. Anyway back with the story.
I start drinking. James arrive soon. Before saying "Hi" he goes to the bar to get a jug of speedball for himself (I love this guy, he's got his priorities straight.) With James arrives Dave (Tom) and Mika (Jamie)
We get drunk for a little while, insult a few people and decide to leave and go clubbing before you have to pay to get in. (The £8 we would have to pay can get us a few drinks- dont judge us) Dave leaves.
Any way. We arrive inside the club. We go straight to the bar (obviously) it's £1.50 a drink so I order 4 Coronas with lime and a Vodka and Coke. We sit and chat for a little while, whatever who cares, and suddenly my whole 6th form college arrives (great more people I dont care about). A few girls come up to me, ask me how im doing, hugs kisses all round guys (fuck). Introduce Mika to them then James. James decides that his name for the night is Tucker Max (God basically). One girl (really drunk) we'll call her Sally, leaps on me and hangs on me for a little while, long enough for me to grab her ass and tits repeatedly making sure I get a good fucking feel. (I get with her later, im mentioning it now 'cos it dont really matter much, just remember its girl number 1).
2 beers and a Vodka and Coke later, a group of girls walk past. I take it upon myself to call out "Yes" or "No" to their attractiveness.
Blonde-Yes
Redhead-Yes
Brunette-Yes
Another Brunette-No, oh wait she's looking at me now. She walks over. Was I that loud?

Brunette: No? What do you mean No? Im not a fucking No.
Bill: Sorry what?
Brunette: Im not a fucking no you asshole
Bill: I clearly wasn't talking to you. Go away.

By this point James is laughing his head off. I begin to laugh along with him.
Brunette walks over. Closer. Shes gonna hit me.

Brunette: Im not a fucking no! Ive been clubbing since you were in nappies you fucking prick!

She doesnt look that old, so I ask: How old are you?

Brunette: 25
Bill: So am I! (No i'm not haha, she dont know that)
Brunette: Fuck off you look about 12.
Bill: Are you fucking serious? You act 12! (That was a bad come back)
Brunette: Your the one whos acting fucking 12- calling me a no.
James' still laughing, so am I.
Bill: Look its not my fault your not very attractive. (Waiting for a slap now)

James' bursts out with laughter. Ive been here for 15 minutes and already I've nearly reduced some whore to tears. Excellent.

We drink some more. I decide that I want some pussay.

Bill: Dude (tapping James). Pick a girl out of those 5 (motioning to 5 girls in the distance)
James: What?
Bill: Pick one

James picks one. I walk over to her. I pounce. Get on her, without a hello (Kiss, snog, whatever dude) I walk off without a single goodbye (Girl number 2). I motion James to come downstairs. Mike calls me.

Mike: Where are you?

I explain where I am, he decides to come along with Phil. This is gonna get good.

We order another 4 beers. An hour to go before £1.50 drinks deal runs out.

I lose James and Mika, it’s Me Mike and Phil. We decide to go out for a cigarette.

We are outside. See a couple of guys we know and start talking to them. Nothing interesting really happens. I see a girl that Rob chatted up a week ago( We’ll call her Sarah). I start talking to her, ask her name (What am I doing, I must be drunk). Conversation progresses and I get on her too. Mike decides taking a picture to incriminate me would be funny.

I whisper sweet nothings in her ear for a little while. Examples: You’re a good kisser. Can I take you out tomorrow night?
This is the point where it’s clear to myself I want to get with this girl some more. I take her number down on my mobile. “Sarah x”
Don’t ask why I put a kiss on the end, I was drunk.
Apparently while I was with Sarah, Mike was getting with her fat mate. +10 points for an ugly or fat chick.

I ask Phil what time it is. Half 10. Fuck I’ve been talking to this whore for half hour. I’m wasting cheap drink time for this.

Bill: SHOT TIME!

The guys agree and follow. We get another 4 beers and a shot of sambuca. The alchohol is really pulsing now.
We sing and dance, drink some more on the dancefloor. Oh wait, watch out guys, here comes Venus. FUCK.
She tries it some more. I insult and abuse her. She starts trying it with Phil, he gives me the “Help me look.” I fuck off somewhere away from her. That’s the last I see of anybody.

Im on my own, drunk and loving it. What the fuck is this song? “Follow the leader, leader, leader, follow the leader” Someone grabs me from behind, hands around the hips. It can only mean one thing. Beer in hand I conga around the whole club. Im leading this shit. Hilarious. Wait my beers run out. I look behind me. 100 people are in my conga line. Brilliant. I conga straight to the bar. Order a drink. I’m still dancing- on the spot, but dancing. I look behind. Everyone is still in my conga line waiting for me to move.

Yes there is 100 people in a conga line waiting for me to order a beer. I say thanks to the barmaid, give her a wink. She gives me a look of disappointment and disgust. YES.

I carry on the conga for another minute until the song finishes. What songs next. I look at the time. Half 2 in the morning. Fuck ive got work tomorrow. “Oops upside your head…” I look around. Everyone is on the floor sitting in lines. The entire club has turned into a fucking school disco. I’m leaving.

The cab home is fairly uneventful. I pay the guy with a healthy 30p tip. Fuck him.

James calls.

James: Dude where are you?
Bill: I just got home. Im leaning up against a wall. Fuck my life. Where are you
James: On the way home. Im fucking walking home. Im so hot I took my shirt off.
Bill: Dude your breaking up dude I cant hear you. (Fake static noise) J-m-s.
James: Can you hear me?

I hang up the phone. Throw up everywhere outside my house.

I stagger to bed and go to sleep.

Sure enough, in 5 hours I wake up, still as drunk as the night before. I was still drunk by 3pm that afternoon and I tell everybody about the night. This was by far the drunkest I had been for a very long time.

FUCK.