To say the whole of this story was the result of my actions would be a sorry wish, however, it is too good to not be posted.
I, along with [Chuckie], [Hyde], [Babe], and [Glassjaw], attended our weekly drinking session down the pub. Our plan was to get fairly wasted as [Chuckie] was back from college and we agreed that we haven't been drunk together for long time and that now was the time to do it.
Standing at the bar, I immediately scoped out two very good looking girls sitting behind us, a petite brunette with perfect breasts and a taller blonde with a perfect figure. I took a shot of tequila and carried my Speedball over to them and [Hyde].
I pointed to 4 empty shot glasses on their table.
Bill: Fuck me girls, 4 shots already? It's only 8 'o clock!
Blonde: Haha, they aren't ours.
Bill: Ok, and the pope shits in the woods. I'm Bill.
They reply with their names.
Bill: Cool. So what do you guys do?
Blonde: I work in Blue Inc. when I'm not at college.
Brunnette: I work in an office.
My conversation was pretty one way, I was offering topics, to which they gave answers but no offers for proper conversation by returning questions. This was either due to the fact that they simply weren't interested, or they hadn't mastered the art of conversation yet. I was hoping for the latter.
I leaned over to [Hyde] and whispered "We're wasting our time here."
Bill: Well, I'm going to get a drink. Ill see you soon.
Standing at the bar with [Hyde], we had two more shots of tequila and another Speedball.
Bill: That was bullshit man. They offered no conversation back at all. What a waste of time.
[Hyde]: Fucking whores. They are the best looking girls in this place.
Bill: Fuck this. Come with me.
Speedball in hand, I walked back over to them. If they weren't going to give me questions to answer, I would have to give them the answers before they asked them.
Bill: So [Blonde], when's your exams for you're course.
Blonde: May next year.
Bill: Oh, I've got mine at the end of this year. Just before Christmas.
Brunette: Why? What do you do?
I looked at [Hyde], we exchanged glances that told eachother "Finally!"
Bill: Oh, well I work up in the city. Im doing a degree for fun.
Blonde: Degree for what?
Bill: Spiritual Psychology.
Blonde: Wow! What's that.
Bill: It means that I can manipulate emotions, make them greater or smaller. I can also find out a lot about people by doing certain routines on them.
Blonde: Oh do me! Do me!
Bill: That's the best offer I've had all night! Easy though, we've just met and I don't jump into bed with just anybody.
They both giggled, the ice was broken and I now had to melt it with the heat of conversation and psychological bullshit.
Bill: Well, ok, I'll do the character building routine.
Blonde: Ok
Bill: Imagine a person. Is it male or female?
Blonde: Female.
Bill: Is she fat or thin?
Blonde: She's a little chubby.
Bill: Is she attractive?
Blonde: She's sort of average.
Bill: What would you say were her best features?
Blonde: She's got really great blonde hair. Oh, and she has sparkling blue eyes.
Bill: What are her worst?
Blonde: She has a funny nose.
Bill: Ok, now the person that you just described is your image of yourself, due to your character being female. Although you are a very attractive girl, you don't think so and you are insecure about 1. your weight, 2. Your nose and 3. you dont think you are very attractive. In fact, the word you used was 'average.' However, you think that your best features are your hair and your eyes. You love your hair, you love being blonde and you love the way it looks. You like your eyes and I can agree that they do sparkle.
Blonde: Oh my God, that is sooo me. What else do you do?
I carried out 'The Cube' routine on both girls, starting with the brunette so that I could keep her occupied. They were fairly drawn in by it all and were really interested in what I was saying.
[Chuckie] scurried over with [Babe] and [Glassjaw].
[Chuckie]: Dude, we're going onto a club.
Bill: Which one?
[Chuckie]:Liquid. Are you coming?
Bill: Not yet, I'm not ready. (Pointing my eyes at the girls)
[Chuckie]: Ok, well I'll see you in there.
I carried on talking to these girls for another half hour or so and decided that I wanted to leave.
Bill: So what are you girls doing after this?
Brunette: Going to Club 131.
The blonde looked at her as if to say ' No. We are going Liquid'
Bill: Oh, we're going Liquid. You can tag along if you want.
Brunette: Nah. We're meeting friends in there.
Bill: Oh ok.
I grabbed my coat, put it on and the Blonde came upto me.
Blonde: Please come 131.
Bill: No, I gotta meet my pals in Liquid. Come with me if you want.
Blonde: No I cant, all my friends are going 131.
Bill: Oh, well I'll guess I'll see you later then.
Blonde: If you change your mind, scope me out.
Bill: Haha, will do.
Me and [Hyde] went to Liquid as promised and met [Chuckie], [Babe] and [Glassjaw]. [Chuckie] was very drunk by the time I met him. The thing with [Chuckie] is that there are one of two moods he will be in at this point.
Mood 1: The happy eccentric drunk. Dancing badly, singing badly, admitting his state of drunkenness, liking the look of every girl he sees, getting more and more drunk via shots. He may even get a little dutch courage and get into a fight, or get a bit lippy to someone, especially if they get lippy to him.
Mood 2: This is a basic 'sit on a wall, head in hands, throwing up mood.' Not caring about anything but getting home to bed.
Luckily he was in Mood number 1, otherwise he would have ruined our night. Standing at the bar ordering a shot, he raised his arms into the air, tilted his head back and announced "I'm soooooo druuunk."
"Fuck me" I said. "You're well out of your nut." He gave me a coy smile as if he was having a better time than I was. He was probably right, but I had a bigger goal and that was to get me a girl to play with for the night.
I gamed a few girls, captivating their tiny little minds with more bullshit, only later to find out that they had boyfriends. Usually, this wouldn't necessarily make much difference, but when she says "I better go, my boyfriends been looking over at me for 20 minutes," it makes it nigh on impossible. I decided to get back to the other boys, only to find that it was just me and [Babe] left in the club. Everyone else had gone home and half hour or so later, we decided to do the same.
[Babe] stayed at mine and [Chuckie's], however [Chuckie] wasn't home yet. We were sure that he left before us.
[Babe]: Where is he?
Bill: Dirty bastard is probably getting laid or something.
[Babe]:Do you think so?
Bill: Well he isn't here.
We went to bed.
At around half past 4 in the morning, [Chuckie] bursts through my door, arms outstretched and a smile on his face and begins to jump up and down on my bed.
Bill: What the fuck are you doing?
[Chuckie]: Wooooooo Woop Woop Woop.
I looked at him through shady, tired eyes.
Bill: What the fuck happened to you?
[Chuckie] had a huge bandage around his head. It looked like a turban and I began to laugh.
He then told me his story...
Monday, 24 November 2008
Friday, 14 November 2008
Friday 14/11/2008
It is clear that I haven't posted in a while. My nights lately haven't been as debaucherous as usual and there is a reason for it.
My goal has somewhat changed recently. Where in the past, I would go with the flow, cause anarchy and get with a girl by chance, I am now aiming for a target to reach every night. The target- a girl. Nobody in particular, just anyone that takes my fancy.
I have come to realise that picking up women isn't down to chance. It is an exact science and although the 'routine' to do it is unclear to me now, I have devoted my nights out to not just to get drunk, but to figure out this routine. With help from a few female friends, I have devised a strategy and narrowed it down to something unperfected but field tested.
Some field tests however went quite wrong and I have decided to post them.
The "Dude that's my girlfriend" story
I was standing at the bar waiting to be served one time, I had been there for a good fifteen minutes or so and was fed up of waiting on my own. To my left was a good looking blonde girl, so I thought "Fuck it, might as well make this interesting." I turned to her and rolled my eyes, she smiled at me, initiating the first phase- Acknowledgement.
"I hate these fucking ques, by the time you get served, you sober up!"
She laughed, agreed and we were away. I introduced myself, she did too and we began to talk about what we do for a living and stuff.
"I work in London," I said "But I study Spiritual Psychology for a University degree."
She was hooked straight away. She asked me what this involves and I told her how emotions can be manipulated and changed by using certain sequences. I also explained that if I was to give her a scenario and ask questions that I could pin point her personality.
Inevitably she asked me to demonstrate. Which I did, using Neil Strauss' "The Cube."
Bill: Ok, let pretend you're in the middle of nowhere. Say a desert. In front of you is a cube. How big is this cube?
Girl: It's very small. Like a sugarcube.
Bill: Ok. What colour is it.
Girl: It's red.
Bill: Ok good. Now is the cube transparent or opaque.
Girl: Opaque.
Bill: Hmmm. Ok, choose an animal.
Girl: A dog.
She starts laughing. Being quite enticed by the whole situation. I'm hoping that the barman doesn't come along and break our moment.
Bill: Ok, positionally, where is the dog in relation to the cube.
Girl: Inside it.
This is where you have to think fast. Each answer she gives is a fraction of her personality. My job is now to make up some shit that could relate to her with each of her answers.
Bill: Ok, the cube represents your ego or you as a person. Your cube is very small, which means that your quite an unconfident person, am I right?
Girl: Yeah, I guess I am. I don't like meeting new people and I feel uncomfortable around people I don't know.
Bill: The cube is red. Red signifies passion. That means that you are quite a passionate person, whether it be with friends, family, ambitions or whatever.
Girl: Yeah totally.
Bill: The fact that your cube is opaque means that you keep everything inside. It's hard to look inside you and therefore it's hard for you to confide in someone.
Girl: Oh my God. You are describing me so well.
Bill: The fact that you chose a dog- the symbol for "mans best friend" and that it is inside you, means that you are looking for a lifetime companion or already have one.
Ironically at this point, an old friend comes out of nowhere and says "Dude, this is my girlfriend."
All that hard work gone to waste.
The Foreigner story
It was a normal Thursday catch up between me and [Hyde], just sitting with a drink, chatting and watching the football. Three girls sit down in front of us, two of them being hot, one of them not. The not-so-hot one seemed to be the leader of the group. This was going to be a challenge.
I jump straight in.
Bill: Sorry girls. Can I ask your opinion of something?
Girls: Yeah. Sure.
Bill: I bought this jacket a couple of days ago. It cost a lot of money and I'm not sure it suite me. What do you think? Now be honest because I would rather take it back if it looked stupid.
Ugly Girl: It looks great. Really stylish.
Hot Girl #1: I dont understand. (In a Spanish accent.)
The ugly girl started translating the conversation for Hot Girl #1. This had disaster written all over it. How can I start a deep conversation with someone who doesn't even understand. The other hot girl was shy and didn't say a word at all.
Inevitably, I just thanked the girls and walked off. I couldn't hack such a slow moving conversation, despite the Spanish girl being the hottest girl I have seen in a very long time.
Quite simply the work/reward balance wasn't good enough.
My goal has somewhat changed recently. Where in the past, I would go with the flow, cause anarchy and get with a girl by chance, I am now aiming for a target to reach every night. The target- a girl. Nobody in particular, just anyone that takes my fancy.
I have come to realise that picking up women isn't down to chance. It is an exact science and although the 'routine' to do it is unclear to me now, I have devoted my nights out to not just to get drunk, but to figure out this routine. With help from a few female friends, I have devised a strategy and narrowed it down to something unperfected but field tested.
Some field tests however went quite wrong and I have decided to post them.
The "Dude that's my girlfriend" story
I was standing at the bar waiting to be served one time, I had been there for a good fifteen minutes or so and was fed up of waiting on my own. To my left was a good looking blonde girl, so I thought "Fuck it, might as well make this interesting." I turned to her and rolled my eyes, she smiled at me, initiating the first phase- Acknowledgement.
"I hate these fucking ques, by the time you get served, you sober up!"
She laughed, agreed and we were away. I introduced myself, she did too and we began to talk about what we do for a living and stuff.
"I work in London," I said "But I study Spiritual Psychology for a University degree."
She was hooked straight away. She asked me what this involves and I told her how emotions can be manipulated and changed by using certain sequences. I also explained that if I was to give her a scenario and ask questions that I could pin point her personality.
Inevitably she asked me to demonstrate. Which I did, using Neil Strauss' "The Cube."
Bill: Ok, let pretend you're in the middle of nowhere. Say a desert. In front of you is a cube. How big is this cube?
Girl: It's very small. Like a sugarcube.
Bill: Ok. What colour is it.
Girl: It's red.
Bill: Ok good. Now is the cube transparent or opaque.
Girl: Opaque.
Bill: Hmmm. Ok, choose an animal.
Girl: A dog.
She starts laughing. Being quite enticed by the whole situation. I'm hoping that the barman doesn't come along and break our moment.
Bill: Ok, positionally, where is the dog in relation to the cube.
Girl: Inside it.
This is where you have to think fast. Each answer she gives is a fraction of her personality. My job is now to make up some shit that could relate to her with each of her answers.
Bill: Ok, the cube represents your ego or you as a person. Your cube is very small, which means that your quite an unconfident person, am I right?
Girl: Yeah, I guess I am. I don't like meeting new people and I feel uncomfortable around people I don't know.
Bill: The cube is red. Red signifies passion. That means that you are quite a passionate person, whether it be with friends, family, ambitions or whatever.
Girl: Yeah totally.
Bill: The fact that your cube is opaque means that you keep everything inside. It's hard to look inside you and therefore it's hard for you to confide in someone.
Girl: Oh my God. You are describing me so well.
Bill: The fact that you chose a dog- the symbol for "mans best friend" and that it is inside you, means that you are looking for a lifetime companion or already have one.
Ironically at this point, an old friend comes out of nowhere and says "Dude, this is my girlfriend."
All that hard work gone to waste.
The Foreigner story
It was a normal Thursday catch up between me and [Hyde], just sitting with a drink, chatting and watching the football. Three girls sit down in front of us, two of them being hot, one of them not. The not-so-hot one seemed to be the leader of the group. This was going to be a challenge.
I jump straight in.
Bill: Sorry girls. Can I ask your opinion of something?
Girls: Yeah. Sure.
Bill: I bought this jacket a couple of days ago. It cost a lot of money and I'm not sure it suite me. What do you think? Now be honest because I would rather take it back if it looked stupid.
Ugly Girl: It looks great. Really stylish.
Hot Girl #1: I dont understand. (In a Spanish accent.)
The ugly girl started translating the conversation for Hot Girl #1. This had disaster written all over it. How can I start a deep conversation with someone who doesn't even understand. The other hot girl was shy and didn't say a word at all.
Inevitably, I just thanked the girls and walked off. I couldn't hack such a slow moving conversation, despite the Spanish girl being the hottest girl I have seen in a very long time.
Quite simply the work/reward balance wasn't good enough.
Tuesday, 7 October 2008
Thursday 02/10/2008
Jack phones.
Bill: Wassup dude?
Jack: Wassup mate. What you upto?
Bill: Just on my laptop chillin really.
Jack: Wanna come down the pub for a quick drink?
Bill: No
Jack: Cmon dude
Bill: Ok ill be there in 10.
I get there. Still in my work clothes because I couldnt be bothered to change, draw out £10 because this is literally going to be a quick drink and I want to be home by 11pm.
Jack then decides to tell me that tonight he is meeting a girl and I'm here to save him if it all goes wrong. I'm a fucking scapegoat. Usually I would say that I wore the trousers in our relationship of what we do and where we go, but tonight Jack rules the roost.
Bill: Oh thanks. So I'm going to sit here like a lemon and watch you two get with eachother all night. Fuck this, I'm going home.
Jack: Dude, no stay, Lee's here.
Bill: Ok, but i'm going to get drunk, and i'm going to insult you and your little girlfriend.
Jack: I expect nothing less.
We sit in The Goose and wait for this girl. I order a drink and the barmaid asks me where we have been lately. I tell her that we have found a better pub and that the staff are nicer there. She laughs at me. She asks me if James has gone back to university yet. We tell her that he's just started and if she was told otherwise then James lied about his age.
The girl arrives (Girl 1), not terribly attractive, but for Jack she might as well be Kate Moss. Oh wait. She has a friend. And yes its a girl (Girl 2). Not attractive, but I figure that she will do for the state of drunkeness I am in.
A couple of hours pass with me insulting the girls and I tell them that I am leaving. Girl 2 pretty much begs me to stay and says that she doesn't want to sit about and watch Jack get with [Girl 1].
Because I am an Alpha Male, I figured this girl was into me. She wanted me to stay, was flirting with me all night and followed me about to most places. Now it doesnt take a genius to work it out, but it does take an Alpha Male to put them in a false sense of security and get what they want.
I told them that I needed to draw out some money so Girl 2 came with me. On the way, I did some casual flirting with subtle hints to figure out how far I could go with her.
I made it clear that I knew she wanted to get with me with a " I know you wanna get with me" (Ok, maybe my hints arent that subtle, but fuck it, i'm drunk and it makes it acceptable to say what the hell I like).
She gives me this "face" that says "You wish". That whole raising eyebrows and scrunched up mouth shit.
Step 2 was to let her know I have good game. I put my arm around her she came closer as we walked. "Look, I'm too good for you, but I'm going to show you what a little bit of quality feels like tonight".
She laughed. Realised I was probably right.
I then bet her £10 that she wanted to get with me.
We exchanged numbers and returned to Jack and Girl 1.
It wasn't long until we ended up getting with eachother. As romantic as I am, I was feeding a slot machine some pocket change. She looked at me with that look. This was "the moment". Well, as close to it as you can get. I wasn't attracted to her, I was drunk, and I was gambling. But still I moved in for a kiss and let her move the rest of the way. I pulled away and shouted "Ha Ha you owe me a tenner. Hand it over lady"
Girl 2: No
Bill: Ok, I'll let you get away with a drink.
Girl 2: No
I walked off and went to the bar and ordered myself one.
I came back with a Speedball and we carried on getting with eachother until the pub closed.
The bouncer of the pub was trying to get us to leave. We moved back a table and sat there until he asked us again..and again... and again. I shouted "We're getting pushed back like the Germans"
We walked across the road and sat on some steps and carried the party on.
Between the time we left the pub (11:30pm) and went home (1:30am) a few things worth mentioning happened:
Bill: Wassup dude?
Jack: Wassup mate. What you upto?
Bill: Just on my laptop chillin really.
Jack: Wanna come down the pub for a quick drink?
Bill: No
Jack: Cmon dude
Bill: Ok ill be there in 10.
I get there. Still in my work clothes because I couldnt be bothered to change, draw out £10 because this is literally going to be a quick drink and I want to be home by 11pm.
Jack then decides to tell me that tonight he is meeting a girl and I'm here to save him if it all goes wrong. I'm a fucking scapegoat. Usually I would say that I wore the trousers in our relationship of what we do and where we go, but tonight Jack rules the roost.
Bill: Oh thanks. So I'm going to sit here like a lemon and watch you two get with eachother all night. Fuck this, I'm going home.
Jack: Dude, no stay, Lee's here.
Bill: Ok, but i'm going to get drunk, and i'm going to insult you and your little girlfriend.
Jack: I expect nothing less.
We sit in The Goose and wait for this girl. I order a drink and the barmaid asks me where we have been lately. I tell her that we have found a better pub and that the staff are nicer there. She laughs at me. She asks me if James has gone back to university yet. We tell her that he's just started and if she was told otherwise then James lied about his age.
The girl arrives (Girl 1), not terribly attractive, but for Jack she might as well be Kate Moss. Oh wait. She has a friend. And yes its a girl (Girl 2). Not attractive, but I figure that she will do for the state of drunkeness I am in.
A couple of hours pass with me insulting the girls and I tell them that I am leaving. Girl 2 pretty much begs me to stay and says that she doesn't want to sit about and watch Jack get with [Girl 1].
Because I am an Alpha Male, I figured this girl was into me. She wanted me to stay, was flirting with me all night and followed me about to most places. Now it doesnt take a genius to work it out, but it does take an Alpha Male to put them in a false sense of security and get what they want.
I told them that I needed to draw out some money so Girl 2 came with me. On the way, I did some casual flirting with subtle hints to figure out how far I could go with her.
I made it clear that I knew she wanted to get with me with a " I know you wanna get with me" (Ok, maybe my hints arent that subtle, but fuck it, i'm drunk and it makes it acceptable to say what the hell I like).
She gives me this "face" that says "You wish". That whole raising eyebrows and scrunched up mouth shit.
Step 2 was to let her know I have good game. I put my arm around her she came closer as we walked. "Look, I'm too good for you, but I'm going to show you what a little bit of quality feels like tonight".
She laughed. Realised I was probably right.
I then bet her £10 that she wanted to get with me.
We exchanged numbers and returned to Jack and Girl 1.
It wasn't long until we ended up getting with eachother. As romantic as I am, I was feeding a slot machine some pocket change. She looked at me with that look. This was "the moment". Well, as close to it as you can get. I wasn't attracted to her, I was drunk, and I was gambling. But still I moved in for a kiss and let her move the rest of the way. I pulled away and shouted "Ha Ha you owe me a tenner. Hand it over lady"
Girl 2: No
Bill: Ok, I'll let you get away with a drink.
Girl 2: No
I walked off and went to the bar and ordered myself one.
I came back with a Speedball and we carried on getting with eachother until the pub closed.
The bouncer of the pub was trying to get us to leave. We moved back a table and sat there until he asked us again..and again... and again. I shouted "We're getting pushed back like the Germans"
We walked across the road and sat on some steps and carried the party on.
Between the time we left the pub (11:30pm) and went home (1:30am) a few things worth mentioning happened:
- A tramp introduced himself to us and told us that we were sitting on his step and that he wanted to go to sleep. To be honest, I was ready to go home, but I stayed, getting on Girl 2 just to piss him off.
- Jack was telling Girl 1 that she was gorgeous and that he really liked her. Whilst I asked Girl 2 " Has any one ever told you that you're gorgeous" to which she replied "No". I told her "I'm not surprised". Jack, for some reason, was being really nice, so I took it upon myself to be more of a dick.
- The tramp offered us some cake from his "food stash", he then said "Eat whatever you want, but not the sandwich, I want that. Obviously we declined.
- Girl 2 ended up storming off because my insults had finally tipped her over the edge. Fat jokes were obviously her soft spot. I thought it was funny, but she just told me to fuck off and told Jack that I am a wanker.
Originally I just thought these girls were stupid whores. Turns out that now I know that they are. Girl 2 let my hands wander anywhere (on a first meeting). Girl 1 thought Jack was the best thing since sliced bread (which proves she will go with anything).
Admitedly, the funniest nights recorded are just me and Jack out together. They dont happen often, but when they do we usually have some sort of drunken folly to tell.
Wednesday, 17 September 2008
Wednesday 17/09/08
I know it's only been a couple of days since I posted, but I have a story from the past that has tickled me somewhat recently. I told a few people it to test the waters and they laughed enough for me to consider it for a post.
A few years ago, I was at a good friend of mines house (we will call him John), when I say good friend, I mean someone I know that I sort of liked enough to hang out with. Anyway, he had a house, I was there.
We had the sort of 'relationship' if you like, where we could sit at opposite ends of the house and do our own thing. He, on his laptop in the front room and I on my laptop in the backroom.
I can hear him laughing, out loud, on numerous occasions. I wasn't sure whether he was laughing to make a point, you know, when people want you to ask what they are laughing at, or whether there was something genuinly funny that I should know about. Intrigued and filled with curiosity I ask him, "Dude what are you laughing at"
John: Im in a chat room talking to some girl. Shes talking all kinky.
Bill: You dirty bastard.
An idea sweeps across my mind. I laugh to myself.
Bill: What chat room are you on?
He tells me. I log in as "Hot Sexy Blonde" and change my display picture to a cartoon of some Blonde whore. I scroll through the users and see "John horny England." That has to be him.
I begin a chat. This is to as far as I can remember. Although not exact, this is the general gist of it.
Bill: Hey honey
John: Hey asl.
Bill: 16/f/uk england...u?
Remember this was a few years ago. So 16 isnt young, its how old we were. He may be desperate but he aint a kiddy fiddler.
John:16/m/uk
Bill: Cool...Whats your name honey.
John: [John] What about you?
Bill: Im Sarah... Im so horny.
The conversation goes on. I chat him up and John was loving it. I keep hearing him laughing. So I ask again. "Dude what are you laughing at now?" he replies that he's talking to some girl called Sarah. I hold back laughter.
I keep telling him how "wet" I am, he tells me that he's hard. This is pretty much how teenagers like him get off. Its time to pull the plug.
Bill (as Sarah): Do you wanna have phone sex?
John: Yeah sure. ( I remember him trying to sound all cool about it. But really he was losing his shit. This was this guys "action".
John: Whats your number?
I give him my mobile number to call, hoping that he doesn't use his mobile, as my name will come up on the screen.
John: Bill! Pass me the house phone.
Bill: What for?
John: Im going to have phone sex.
I really try to hold back the laughter. Is he actually going to go through with this? Im in the next room for fuck sake. Luckily I remembered to put my phone on silent, so that he didn't hear the ringing. I literally just put my phone on silent a split second before it started to ring.
I gain myself some composure. Hold back the laughing.
I answer and in a "sexy woman voice" say: Hello?
John: Hi, how are you? (He's trying to act cool, but really isn't)
Bill: Im so horny.
At this point I start laughing. How can you not? I was in hysterics and the poor bastard probably had is cock flopped out. It's probably a good job that I stopped it there, the last thing I wanted to hear was some idiot panting down the phone.
John: You bastard! I knew it was you.
No you didn't. That's just a defence mechanism. People say "I knew it was you" when they are embarassed. It didn't stop there though. I told a few people at school about it. Select friends obviously, and they all thought it was funny and as I said earlier, I recalled it to a few people at work recently and they also thought it was funny.
I lost contact with this guy a while back. He added me on Facebook not so long ago, but it's funny how your Facebook is filled with people that you never talk to, mainly because they are just complete imbecils who think that now they have left school everything has changed. Well it hasn't, but I add them any way. Even the losers get a chance to be associated with me in some way.
A few years ago, I was at a good friend of mines house (we will call him John), when I say good friend, I mean someone I know that I sort of liked enough to hang out with. Anyway, he had a house, I was there.
We had the sort of 'relationship' if you like, where we could sit at opposite ends of the house and do our own thing. He, on his laptop in the front room and I on my laptop in the backroom.
I can hear him laughing, out loud, on numerous occasions. I wasn't sure whether he was laughing to make a point, you know, when people want you to ask what they are laughing at, or whether there was something genuinly funny that I should know about. Intrigued and filled with curiosity I ask him, "Dude what are you laughing at"
John: Im in a chat room talking to some girl. Shes talking all kinky.
Bill: You dirty bastard.
An idea sweeps across my mind. I laugh to myself.
Bill: What chat room are you on?
He tells me. I log in as "Hot Sexy Blonde" and change my display picture to a cartoon of some Blonde whore. I scroll through the users and see "John horny England." That has to be him.
I begin a chat. This is to as far as I can remember. Although not exact, this is the general gist of it.
Bill: Hey honey
John: Hey asl.
Bill: 16/f/uk england...u?
Remember this was a few years ago. So 16 isnt young, its how old we were. He may be desperate but he aint a kiddy fiddler.
John:16/m/uk
Bill: Cool...Whats your name honey.
John: [John] What about you?
Bill: Im Sarah... Im so horny.
The conversation goes on. I chat him up and John was loving it. I keep hearing him laughing. So I ask again. "Dude what are you laughing at now?" he replies that he's talking to some girl called Sarah. I hold back laughter.
I keep telling him how "wet" I am, he tells me that he's hard. This is pretty much how teenagers like him get off. Its time to pull the plug.
Bill (as Sarah): Do you wanna have phone sex?
John: Yeah sure. ( I remember him trying to sound all cool about it. But really he was losing his shit. This was this guys "action".
John: Whats your number?
I give him my mobile number to call, hoping that he doesn't use his mobile, as my name will come up on the screen.
John: Bill! Pass me the house phone.
Bill: What for?
John: Im going to have phone sex.
I really try to hold back the laughter. Is he actually going to go through with this? Im in the next room for fuck sake. Luckily I remembered to put my phone on silent, so that he didn't hear the ringing. I literally just put my phone on silent a split second before it started to ring.
I gain myself some composure. Hold back the laughing.
I answer and in a "sexy woman voice" say: Hello?
John: Hi, how are you? (He's trying to act cool, but really isn't)
Bill: Im so horny.
At this point I start laughing. How can you not? I was in hysterics and the poor bastard probably had is cock flopped out. It's probably a good job that I stopped it there, the last thing I wanted to hear was some idiot panting down the phone.
John: You bastard! I knew it was you.
No you didn't. That's just a defence mechanism. People say "I knew it was you" when they are embarassed. It didn't stop there though. I told a few people at school about it. Select friends obviously, and they all thought it was funny and as I said earlier, I recalled it to a few people at work recently and they also thought it was funny.
I lost contact with this guy a while back. He added me on Facebook not so long ago, but it's funny how your Facebook is filled with people that you never talk to, mainly because they are just complete imbecils who think that now they have left school everything has changed. Well it hasn't, but I add them any way. Even the losers get a chance to be associated with me in some way.
Sunday, 14 September 2008
Sunday 14/09/08
There hasnt been any posts for a while. This all boils down to the fact that not every night out is funny enough to write about in its entirety. However, due to the fact that it has been 2 weekends without an update containing drunken follies aplenty, I feel that there is enough to award a compilation of funnies to write and for you to read.
Last weekend 5/09/08-07/09/08 was obviously a heavy drinking session.
Friday 05/09/08. We start off at The Bull. No, not The Goose, The Battalion has a new HQ. Its just as cheap, has a wider selection of shots, and you dont have to que for 45 minutes to get a round of drinks in. Best of all, you get a selection of salt and lemon with your tequila. Anyway, The Bull is uneventful, but I do drink a fair amount. With every round came a Speedball and at least one shot of tequila. I tallied up 12 tequila's, 5 speedballs and 3 beers, hit a 0.13 on the breathaliser and left for a club. I was very drunk. The shots had hit the stomach and was pulsing through my body. The only thing that was affected was my eyes. I couldn't see for shit. When I say "only thing" i mean apart from the swaying, heavy feet and abusive language. I tell Jack and Sam "Boys act sober, or we won't get into the club". I tell them this at least 7 times by the time we get there.
Sam: Dude. We are acting sober.
Bill: Fuck you both.
We get into the club. I make it clear to the guys that I am overwhelmed with surprise that I actually got into the club despite the state I'm in.
I drink a few more beers, hit a 1.8 on the breathaliser and suddenly I feel extremely drunk. I tell everyone that I am well and truly shithoused. There are people I know there seeing me in a complete state. I find this quite funny now. I dont remember a lot of the night, but you can bet your virginity (if it means something to you) that I insulted a few people.
I tell Jack and Sam that I want to leave and get something to eat. I also explain that I am very drunk. The bastards make me wait an hour and a half to leave. Ive even started drinking water...Not the alchoholic kind of water either.
Jack and Sam wander off to the club downstairs (over 21's) but on the way start dancing with this hot blonde. She pushes them both off with digust. I decide to follow. The blonde girl stops me, starts dancing with me and tries to kiss me. I push her off and say "I only came over to apologise for my friends"
What the fuck was I thinking. Obviously I must've thought I was too drunk to be able to stomach someones tongue down my throat. I now obviously deeply regret it
When we leave, we make our way to a cab office. I decide that in my state of drunkenness that a piss against the nearest wall would be a great idea. Its 3 in the morning and I'm taking a piss up a wall in an underpass. Nobody about but us. Sam pulls my trousers down. Skanks me like im some sort of priceless joke. I need to finish my piss. Any decent guy knows that stopping midflow is impossible. There is piss all over the floor, and my jeans have landed in it. Thanks you fucking asshole.
We get in a cab (Jack also, despite him living nowhere near us). We drop Jack off. As the cab pulls away, he runs along side it with his face pressed against the drivers window. The driver calls him "a fucking idiot". Jack runs to the nearest corner pulls down his trousers and moons the cabbie. Jack is such a child when he's drunk.
When me and Sam get back to his we sit in the garden for a little while, sober up, get wet in the rain for about an hour. Its half 4 in the morning and we decide to go inside. Oh wait. Sam doesn't have his front door key. Fucking idiot. He tries to call his sister. No answer. I call my sister for a laugh, to wake her up in the dead of night.
Sister: Hello (croaky voice)
Bill: Hey, i'm drunk again
Sister: Great. Why have you woken me up?
Bill: I'm drunk, its funny. Good enough reason. Where are you?
Sister: At Kates house.
Bill: Oh really? Open the door. We are locked out.
My sister and Sams sister are friends. We got lucky that night. Very lucky. Next time Sam forgets his key. We might be sleeping in the rain.
Before you ask. My sister is 14. Obviously too young... Unless your Gary Glitter.
Jack tells me the next day, that when we drove off, he saw a beetle on the ground. Jack, being the out of control little child, chases it on his hands and knees, trying to be sick on it. Picture it.
Saturday 06/09/08
It was my cousins surprise 40th birthday party. It was a good night despite me promising myself to just a 6pack of beer. Last night was still repeating on me. I could still taste tequila in my mouth, not to mention my teeth feeling gritty from the lemon. However, I suffice to say that I did deviate slightly from the promise and bought a bottle a vodka and some redbull. There was also drink available there, and undoubtedly I got fairly pissed. My cousin (we'll call her Gemma) has a friend (we'll call her Judy). Apparently, she has a crush on me. Usually this would be a good thing. Guaranteed pussy is the best thing on offer, apart from the hors d'oeuvres and alchohol. Unfortunately, she's offically jail bait. At the age of 15, me and my whore magnet will stay way away. Not to mention that she is a mess. In fact, she looks like she went jogging one day, and someone sneaked out a spade at face height, and she ran into it. However, the size of her rolls of fat suggest that her going jogging would be such a monumental event, that the government would create a bank holiday for it. My point is, she is probably the biggest monstrosity the world has seen and is even below my standards. Anyway, for the whole night by other cousin (We will call him George) was telling Judy that I liked her and wanted to get off with her. As a result, the whale was constantly trying to get me alone so that she could have her underage way with me.
It didnt happen.
The weekend starting Friday 12/09/09- 14/09/08 wasnt the best either.
Friday night we started at The Bull again where I wanted to break last weeks record of tequila shots (12) but only managed 7. Although still fairly drunk we again went to a club. Nothing really eventful happened until the journey home. We picked up 2 girls we know and took them home. Literally, we took them home. Sam wasn't drinking so he drove. For the whole journey Rob was telling one girl how much he liked her but has trust issues with women. The girl asked "what do you like about me" with which Rob replied a load of shit along the lines of "your good looking, funny, smart" but most memorably he said "and your shorter than me." The bitch took this as a compliment. Rob is short, and he (in not so many words) just called her a midget. Now if thats a compliment I think even I would find it hard to insult this girl.
The girls get out of the car.
Jack calls.
Bill: Sam turn up the radio loud.
He does.
Bill: Jack where are you?
Jack: In the smoking area. Where are you?
Bill: At the bar.
Jack: Ill come and find you.
Obviously we werent at the bar. In this particular club, there are 3 bars, and for an hour we made Jack run around each one telling him that that was where we were. He doesn't know this yet, but when he reads this I am definately expecting a phone call. Fuck you Jack.
The next day, Jack calls again.
Jack: Where the fuck were you last night?
Bill: At the bar man. We couldnt find you.
Jack: Oh well, I started hooking up with some fat chick.
For sure Jack lost all dignity he had left there. But on the bright side he gained 10 points.
The Saturday was definately a Beta Male Saturday. I sat at home twiddling my thumbs down to stumps, tearing my hair out and crying myself to sleep. I felt like a cancer victim.
Turns out, everyone else was doing the same. We were all supposed to be doing our seperate things but each one fell through. Oh well at least I saved some money.
Last weekend 5/09/08-07/09/08 was obviously a heavy drinking session.
Friday 05/09/08. We start off at The Bull. No, not The Goose, The Battalion has a new HQ. Its just as cheap, has a wider selection of shots, and you dont have to que for 45 minutes to get a round of drinks in. Best of all, you get a selection of salt and lemon with your tequila. Anyway, The Bull is uneventful, but I do drink a fair amount. With every round came a Speedball and at least one shot of tequila. I tallied up 12 tequila's, 5 speedballs and 3 beers, hit a 0.13 on the breathaliser and left for a club. I was very drunk. The shots had hit the stomach and was pulsing through my body. The only thing that was affected was my eyes. I couldn't see for shit. When I say "only thing" i mean apart from the swaying, heavy feet and abusive language. I tell Jack and Sam "Boys act sober, or we won't get into the club". I tell them this at least 7 times by the time we get there.
Sam: Dude. We are acting sober.
Bill: Fuck you both.
We get into the club. I make it clear to the guys that I am overwhelmed with surprise that I actually got into the club despite the state I'm in.
I drink a few more beers, hit a 1.8 on the breathaliser and suddenly I feel extremely drunk. I tell everyone that I am well and truly shithoused. There are people I know there seeing me in a complete state. I find this quite funny now. I dont remember a lot of the night, but you can bet your virginity (if it means something to you) that I insulted a few people.
I tell Jack and Sam that I want to leave and get something to eat. I also explain that I am very drunk. The bastards make me wait an hour and a half to leave. Ive even started drinking water...Not the alchoholic kind of water either.
Jack and Sam wander off to the club downstairs (over 21's) but on the way start dancing with this hot blonde. She pushes them both off with digust. I decide to follow. The blonde girl stops me, starts dancing with me and tries to kiss me. I push her off and say "I only came over to apologise for my friends"
What the fuck was I thinking. Obviously I must've thought I was too drunk to be able to stomach someones tongue down my throat. I now obviously deeply regret it
When we leave, we make our way to a cab office. I decide that in my state of drunkenness that a piss against the nearest wall would be a great idea. Its 3 in the morning and I'm taking a piss up a wall in an underpass. Nobody about but us. Sam pulls my trousers down. Skanks me like im some sort of priceless joke. I need to finish my piss. Any decent guy knows that stopping midflow is impossible. There is piss all over the floor, and my jeans have landed in it. Thanks you fucking asshole.
We get in a cab (Jack also, despite him living nowhere near us). We drop Jack off. As the cab pulls away, he runs along side it with his face pressed against the drivers window. The driver calls him "a fucking idiot". Jack runs to the nearest corner pulls down his trousers and moons the cabbie. Jack is such a child when he's drunk.
When me and Sam get back to his we sit in the garden for a little while, sober up, get wet in the rain for about an hour. Its half 4 in the morning and we decide to go inside. Oh wait. Sam doesn't have his front door key. Fucking idiot. He tries to call his sister. No answer. I call my sister for a laugh, to wake her up in the dead of night.
Sister: Hello (croaky voice)
Bill: Hey, i'm drunk again
Sister: Great. Why have you woken me up?
Bill: I'm drunk, its funny. Good enough reason. Where are you?
Sister: At Kates house.
Bill: Oh really? Open the door. We are locked out.
My sister and Sams sister are friends. We got lucky that night. Very lucky. Next time Sam forgets his key. We might be sleeping in the rain.
Before you ask. My sister is 14. Obviously too young... Unless your Gary Glitter.
Jack tells me the next day, that when we drove off, he saw a beetle on the ground. Jack, being the out of control little child, chases it on his hands and knees, trying to be sick on it. Picture it.
Saturday 06/09/08
It was my cousins surprise 40th birthday party. It was a good night despite me promising myself to just a 6pack of beer. Last night was still repeating on me. I could still taste tequila in my mouth, not to mention my teeth feeling gritty from the lemon. However, I suffice to say that I did deviate slightly from the promise and bought a bottle a vodka and some redbull. There was also drink available there, and undoubtedly I got fairly pissed. My cousin (we'll call her Gemma) has a friend (we'll call her Judy). Apparently, she has a crush on me. Usually this would be a good thing. Guaranteed pussy is the best thing on offer, apart from the hors d'oeuvres and alchohol. Unfortunately, she's offically jail bait. At the age of 15, me and my whore magnet will stay way away. Not to mention that she is a mess. In fact, she looks like she went jogging one day, and someone sneaked out a spade at face height, and she ran into it. However, the size of her rolls of fat suggest that her going jogging would be such a monumental event, that the government would create a bank holiday for it. My point is, she is probably the biggest monstrosity the world has seen and is even below my standards. Anyway, for the whole night by other cousin (We will call him George) was telling Judy that I liked her and wanted to get off with her. As a result, the whale was constantly trying to get me alone so that she could have her underage way with me.
It didnt happen.
The weekend starting Friday 12/09/09- 14/09/08 wasnt the best either.
Friday night we started at The Bull again where I wanted to break last weeks record of tequila shots (12) but only managed 7. Although still fairly drunk we again went to a club. Nothing really eventful happened until the journey home. We picked up 2 girls we know and took them home. Literally, we took them home. Sam wasn't drinking so he drove. For the whole journey Rob was telling one girl how much he liked her but has trust issues with women. The girl asked "what do you like about me" with which Rob replied a load of shit along the lines of "your good looking, funny, smart" but most memorably he said "and your shorter than me." The bitch took this as a compliment. Rob is short, and he (in not so many words) just called her a midget. Now if thats a compliment I think even I would find it hard to insult this girl.
The girls get out of the car.
Jack calls.
Bill: Sam turn up the radio loud.
He does.
Bill: Jack where are you?
Jack: In the smoking area. Where are you?
Bill: At the bar.
Jack: Ill come and find you.
Obviously we werent at the bar. In this particular club, there are 3 bars, and for an hour we made Jack run around each one telling him that that was where we were. He doesn't know this yet, but when he reads this I am definately expecting a phone call. Fuck you Jack.
The next day, Jack calls again.
Jack: Where the fuck were you last night?
Bill: At the bar man. We couldnt find you.
Jack: Oh well, I started hooking up with some fat chick.
For sure Jack lost all dignity he had left there. But on the bright side he gained 10 points.
The Saturday was definately a Beta Male Saturday. I sat at home twiddling my thumbs down to stumps, tearing my hair out and crying myself to sleep. I felt like a cancer victim.
Turns out, everyone else was doing the same. We were all supposed to be doing our seperate things but each one fell through. Oh well at least I saved some money.
Thursday, 4 September 2008
Thursday 04/09/08
Today I recieved an email from James. A while ago he decided to buy a breathalyzer. On delivery of this (which took a very long time) he realised that the breathalyzer was as good as Stephen Hawkings singing. Dan also bought one from the same website...also a piece of shit.
James has emailed the company notifying them with his disgrace. I thought this would make a good blog and I would also like to call a Worldwide Boycott of this pile of shit website.
I realise that hardly anyone is as dependant as us on a breathalyzer as The Battalion, but if you find your self brooding for a breathalyzer dont use the one mentioned in the email...
This is James' email:
Dear Nigel Butterworth,
I am writing to you regarding your business recently with Mr Daniel MacGregor. He pointed out to me the shocking inadequecies and complete lack of care within your business, and I've had enough of it. I'm sick and tired of your bullshit, and it's time we put an end to it.I recently had some business with yourself, and to say I was horrified with the outcome would be an understatement. I would compare my business with yourselves to the events that took place in both Hiroshima and Nagasaki. It was appalling. The breathaliser took fucking ages to arrive, and not only that, it didn't even work. That's right. You overcharged me for a piece of shit keyring breathaliser that was probably designed by a blind child with arthritis, you delayed posting it, meaning it took around 3 weeks to be delivered, and you couldn't even send me batteries that would make it work. I had to run out and buy myself new batteries, all thanks to breathalyserdirect.co.uk. And the sorry excuse for a breathalyser doesn't even work. I can go out and knock back around 8 or 9 vodka clubs, wait 15 minutes, and then get a reading of 0.01 on my shitty breathalyser. That's right, it doesn't even do what it says. It doesn't measure the amount of alcohol in your blood, as it should do, it only measures what was very recently in your breath. I could throw back a shot of absinthe, instantly do a reading and get 0.14, but when I've been out drinking and insulting all night I get nothing. In fact calling your breathalysers shitty is a bit of an understatement,since I use "shitty" to describe Christopher Reeve's sad excuse of a life. Who are you, Orbitz!? You people make me fucking sick. Stop misadvertising your products, and stop sucking Sony's dick.
Earlier on I decided to have a quick look at your sorry excuse for a website, and upon viewing it again I nearly had a coronary. I didn't know you employed autistic web designers! How can you even pretend to be a professional company when your website looks like the outcome of Cameron Diaz' period. Once I had stopped laughing at your shitty excuse of a webpage, I noticed something. You claim you supply to the NHS? No wonder the NHS is such a fucking joke! People are dying every day from your shitty service, and to compensate this you employ a retard with no qualifications to design your website, and put a shitty flash animation that pops up saying "Free Same Day Dispatch". Thanks a lot assholes. Do you happen to own an iPhone by any chance?
Moving on, lets think literally here. You say Free SAME DAY Dispatch. Do you mean the same day as when we purchase a breathaliser, or do you mean the same day as when you pull your thumb out your ass and actually do a decent days work for once in your life? You are a joke. Although I've got no proof, I'm pretty sure breathlyserdirect.co.uk had something to do with Madeline Mccann being taken away. You're sick. Fucking up one customers order is disappointing. It took me months to overcome my disappointment of having received a shitty, faulty breathalyser weeks late, and I still haven't fully recovered. But doing it again is inexcusable. I'm fed up of your constant bullshit, and as a result I will be telling everyone I know not to use your retarded service again. Thanks to you fucking around with another customer (Daniel MacGregor), I can assure you that that is the most expensive £54.50 you have ever made. You have not heard the end of this.
Regards,
James Ruggieri
Just like to say, that my breathalyzer works well, was cheaper than James' . I haven't posted any scores plainly because i'm saving it for a special occasion.
James has emailed the company notifying them with his disgrace. I thought this would make a good blog and I would also like to call a Worldwide Boycott of this pile of shit website.
I realise that hardly anyone is as dependant as us on a breathalyzer as The Battalion, but if you find your self brooding for a breathalyzer dont use the one mentioned in the email...
This is James' email:
Dear Nigel Butterworth,
I am writing to you regarding your business recently with Mr Daniel MacGregor. He pointed out to me the shocking inadequecies and complete lack of care within your business, and I've had enough of it. I'm sick and tired of your bullshit, and it's time we put an end to it.I recently had some business with yourself, and to say I was horrified with the outcome would be an understatement. I would compare my business with yourselves to the events that took place in both Hiroshima and Nagasaki. It was appalling. The breathaliser took fucking ages to arrive, and not only that, it didn't even work. That's right. You overcharged me for a piece of shit keyring breathaliser that was probably designed by a blind child with arthritis, you delayed posting it, meaning it took around 3 weeks to be delivered, and you couldn't even send me batteries that would make it work. I had to run out and buy myself new batteries, all thanks to breathalyserdirect.co.uk. And the sorry excuse for a breathalyser doesn't even work. I can go out and knock back around 8 or 9 vodka clubs, wait 15 minutes, and then get a reading of 0.01 on my shitty breathalyser. That's right, it doesn't even do what it says. It doesn't measure the amount of alcohol in your blood, as it should do, it only measures what was very recently in your breath. I could throw back a shot of absinthe, instantly do a reading and get 0.14, but when I've been out drinking and insulting all night I get nothing. In fact calling your breathalysers shitty is a bit of an understatement,since I use "shitty" to describe Christopher Reeve's sad excuse of a life. Who are you, Orbitz!? You people make me fucking sick. Stop misadvertising your products, and stop sucking Sony's dick.
Earlier on I decided to have a quick look at your sorry excuse for a website, and upon viewing it again I nearly had a coronary. I didn't know you employed autistic web designers! How can you even pretend to be a professional company when your website looks like the outcome of Cameron Diaz' period. Once I had stopped laughing at your shitty excuse of a webpage, I noticed something. You claim you supply to the NHS? No wonder the NHS is such a fucking joke! People are dying every day from your shitty service, and to compensate this you employ a retard with no qualifications to design your website, and put a shitty flash animation that pops up saying "Free Same Day Dispatch". Thanks a lot assholes. Do you happen to own an iPhone by any chance?
Moving on, lets think literally here. You say Free SAME DAY Dispatch. Do you mean the same day as when we purchase a breathaliser, or do you mean the same day as when you pull your thumb out your ass and actually do a decent days work for once in your life? You are a joke. Although I've got no proof, I'm pretty sure breathlyserdirect.co.uk had something to do with Madeline Mccann being taken away. You're sick. Fucking up one customers order is disappointing. It took me months to overcome my disappointment of having received a shitty, faulty breathalyser weeks late, and I still haven't fully recovered. But doing it again is inexcusable. I'm fed up of your constant bullshit, and as a result I will be telling everyone I know not to use your retarded service again. Thanks to you fucking around with another customer (Daniel MacGregor), I can assure you that that is the most expensive £54.50 you have ever made. You have not heard the end of this.
Regards,
James Ruggieri
Just like to say, that my breathalyzer works well, was cheaper than James' . I haven't posted any scores plainly because i'm saving it for a special occasion.
Tuesday, 2 September 2008
Tuesday 02/09/08
The whole point of the entry, was to give you a conversation involving the aftermath of sending the link to this blog to that girl.
It all started when she revealed to me that she had been using to me to dish some hurt onto the male race. She says that men before me have treated her bad (she obviously doesn't know who I am) so she was seeing other guys as well as me. I instantly thought of this entry. It was the makings of a great conversation that could be so funny it would make ur penal area sticky and your nose bleed with excitememnt.
I wanted to create a spectrum. At one end she would feel very sorry and then I could throw her to the opposite end and make her very angry and see what colours would fly out of her aggresive mouth.
Unfortunately this didnt happen and what was foreseen was nowhere near what occured last night. At first she was very sorry for treating me like she did. I was a chorus of "How could you do this to me"s, "I thought you liked me"s and "I'm so hurt"s. This captured the first end of the spectrum nicely. She replied with a series of "sorry"s, "I never meant to hurt you"s and showering me with compliments like "your such a nice guy". Task 1 of 'Mission: Hilarious Break up" complete. I told her "I'm no fool, and think I waited around for you" This is when I sent her the link to this blog. She saw everything. I was expecting a few comments about how I'm such an asshole, you know ego-boosting things. But she just turned into some malicious little "Im-going-to-make-things-up-to-hurt-you" whore. Admittedly, I'm bullet proof and anything anyone says to me wouldn't ever bruise my ego one bit. But she still tried...and failed.
I planned to post the entire conversation from last night. But unfortunately, it goes against everything I stand for. It turned from me being an asshole and her falling for it, to her being very nasty and me returning her venom. This was neither funny or comfortable for me although I took the moral highground and won the fight.
However, the conversation continues this afternoon. And suffice to say I do not let you down completely. Here it is:
Girl: Im glad I saw the real you yesterday and I dont have 1 bit of guilt in me at the moment which makes me a whole lot happier. Thanks. I hope your proud of your "Alpha Male" status which by the way makes you sound like some sort of monkey. Your probably the least guyish top lad I know.
Bill: At least i'm not malicious. I might be an asshole, but theres a difference. I ain't a slag like you either.
Girl: But im not a slag. A slag is a girl who offra there body to a load of guys. Did I do that? Erm no.
Bill: You offered 6 guys a kiss in one night. You kiss with your mouth, your mouth is part of your body. Look, this wasn't most to get nasty. This was meant to be funny to read about. I didn't want to hurt you. But you started hissing your venom.
Girl: You didn't hurt me. Your probably the most horriblist guy ive been out with.
Bill: Thanks. I like that. Still went out with me though.
Girl: I only went out with you to see if I could pull off dating 2 guys at the same time.
Bill: Im glad that being a slag is a trophy for you. It isn't good for a girl to be known as a slag.
Girl: Well its been the first and last time for my experiments and they are over. I didn't enjoy it but for you being a male slag sounds like your life.
Bill: Guys can get away with being slags. Its unfair I know. But never mind.
Girl: Guys can get away with it but they are guys who dont end up with decent girls.
Bill: If i wanted to "end up" with someone. I wouldnt second for a second rate girl. Which is why I didnt stick with you
Girl: No you wont unless you completely change. You aint exactly got looks or personality going for you at the moment have you. Wheras me. Iv'e got personality, ambitions and model looks. So lets think about who really lost out on who.
Bill: Model looks? are you fucking serious? I mght not be good looking but I have personality. Thats how I pull and get girls numbers week in week out you fucking idiot. And seeing that you fancied me before even spoke to me proves that I must be attractive in some way. Now be a good girl and stop trying to get blood on your sword when all you have is a butter knife. Your just bitter that your intentions to play me went wrong
Girl: Well I do have a modelling contract so I must have some model looks. Your average looking but you pull because girls will think your a guy who dont know he's good looking because your not. You ain't a fit essex boy although you do try. Im not bitter i'm just honest and before I cared about your feelings so didnt want to be honest to you.
Bill: That doesn't make sense it even worth entertaining until you talk English. Come back when you stop talking shit.
Girl: Yes it does make sense your just too arrogant to take it in.
Bill: Your arguement is nil. I must have something going for me to be as succesful as I am with women including you. So stop talking shit and come back when you have a valid arguement mrs "model looks and ambition"
Girl:I'm dont. I cant be bothered with gus like you anymore, but hey at least you can be proud of yourself. Your officially the biggest wanker iv'e ever been out withm so go tell all your friends how succesful you've been.
Bill:I will do better. Im blogging this whole conversation as we speak. Check it tonight. Your a big aspiration. Do I have to pay you for a leading role?
Girl: Fuck off and tonight i'm not going to check your blog. Im going to the pub with Darren. I have time for people I like.
Bill: Thats a very poor last gasp effort to hurt me. Bill is bulletproof honey. Im not gonna say that I'm out with some girl tonight, because i'm not. But still. I win again.
The whole conversation proves that she is upset, and I didn't want to upset her. I'm not out to upset any one. Just have a good time. She is clearly bitter that her plan to play me failed because in fact, she was the one who was being played.
Which shows. Never mess with an alpha male.
I showed James this conversation. He commented accordingly.
James: I cant stop laughing at the model looks bit. Is she fucking stupid? She defines mediocre. If she was a colour she would be beige. Hopefully it will teach that incestuous whore that she shouldnt mess with an alpha male ever again. Welcome to zerosville. Population: Her.
Thankyou James.
It all started when she revealed to me that she had been using to me to dish some hurt onto the male race. She says that men before me have treated her bad (she obviously doesn't know who I am) so she was seeing other guys as well as me. I instantly thought of this entry. It was the makings of a great conversation that could be so funny it would make ur penal area sticky and your nose bleed with excitememnt.
I wanted to create a spectrum. At one end she would feel very sorry and then I could throw her to the opposite end and make her very angry and see what colours would fly out of her aggresive mouth.
Unfortunately this didnt happen and what was foreseen was nowhere near what occured last night. At first she was very sorry for treating me like she did. I was a chorus of "How could you do this to me"s, "I thought you liked me"s and "I'm so hurt"s. This captured the first end of the spectrum nicely. She replied with a series of "sorry"s, "I never meant to hurt you"s and showering me with compliments like "your such a nice guy". Task 1 of 'Mission: Hilarious Break up" complete. I told her "I'm no fool, and think I waited around for you" This is when I sent her the link to this blog. She saw everything. I was expecting a few comments about how I'm such an asshole, you know ego-boosting things. But she just turned into some malicious little "Im-going-to-make-things-up-to-hurt-you" whore. Admittedly, I'm bullet proof and anything anyone says to me wouldn't ever bruise my ego one bit. But she still tried...and failed.
I planned to post the entire conversation from last night. But unfortunately, it goes against everything I stand for. It turned from me being an asshole and her falling for it, to her being very nasty and me returning her venom. This was neither funny or comfortable for me although I took the moral highground and won the fight.
However, the conversation continues this afternoon. And suffice to say I do not let you down completely. Here it is:
Girl: Im glad I saw the real you yesterday and I dont have 1 bit of guilt in me at the moment which makes me a whole lot happier. Thanks. I hope your proud of your "Alpha Male" status which by the way makes you sound like some sort of monkey. Your probably the least guyish top lad I know.
Bill: At least i'm not malicious. I might be an asshole, but theres a difference. I ain't a slag like you either.
Girl: But im not a slag. A slag is a girl who offra there body to a load of guys. Did I do that? Erm no.
Bill: You offered 6 guys a kiss in one night. You kiss with your mouth, your mouth is part of your body. Look, this wasn't most to get nasty. This was meant to be funny to read about. I didn't want to hurt you. But you started hissing your venom.
Girl: You didn't hurt me. Your probably the most horriblist guy ive been out with.
Bill: Thanks. I like that. Still went out with me though.
Girl: I only went out with you to see if I could pull off dating 2 guys at the same time.
Bill: Im glad that being a slag is a trophy for you. It isn't good for a girl to be known as a slag.
Girl: Well its been the first and last time for my experiments and they are over. I didn't enjoy it but for you being a male slag sounds like your life.
Bill: Guys can get away with being slags. Its unfair I know. But never mind.
Girl: Guys can get away with it but they are guys who dont end up with decent girls.
Bill: If i wanted to "end up" with someone. I wouldnt second for a second rate girl. Which is why I didnt stick with you
Girl: No you wont unless you completely change. You aint exactly got looks or personality going for you at the moment have you. Wheras me. Iv'e got personality, ambitions and model looks. So lets think about who really lost out on who.
Bill: Model looks? are you fucking serious? I mght not be good looking but I have personality. Thats how I pull and get girls numbers week in week out you fucking idiot. And seeing that you fancied me before even spoke to me proves that I must be attractive in some way. Now be a good girl and stop trying to get blood on your sword when all you have is a butter knife. Your just bitter that your intentions to play me went wrong
Girl: Well I do have a modelling contract so I must have some model looks. Your average looking but you pull because girls will think your a guy who dont know he's good looking because your not. You ain't a fit essex boy although you do try. Im not bitter i'm just honest and before I cared about your feelings so didnt want to be honest to you.
Bill: That doesn't make sense it even worth entertaining until you talk English. Come back when you stop talking shit.
Girl: Yes it does make sense your just too arrogant to take it in.
Bill: Your arguement is nil. I must have something going for me to be as succesful as I am with women including you. So stop talking shit and come back when you have a valid arguement mrs "model looks and ambition"
Girl:I'm dont. I cant be bothered with gus like you anymore, but hey at least you can be proud of yourself. Your officially the biggest wanker iv'e ever been out withm so go tell all your friends how succesful you've been.
Bill:I will do better. Im blogging this whole conversation as we speak. Check it tonight. Your a big aspiration. Do I have to pay you for a leading role?
Girl: Fuck off and tonight i'm not going to check your blog. Im going to the pub with Darren. I have time for people I like.
Bill: Thats a very poor last gasp effort to hurt me. Bill is bulletproof honey. Im not gonna say that I'm out with some girl tonight, because i'm not. But still. I win again.
The whole conversation proves that she is upset, and I didn't want to upset her. I'm not out to upset any one. Just have a good time. She is clearly bitter that her plan to play me failed because in fact, she was the one who was being played.
Which shows. Never mess with an alpha male.
I showed James this conversation. He commented accordingly.
James: I cant stop laughing at the model looks bit. Is she fucking stupid? She defines mediocre. If she was a colour she would be beige. Hopefully it will teach that incestuous whore that she shouldnt mess with an alpha male ever again. Welcome to zerosville. Population: Her.
Thankyou James.
Monday, 1 September 2008
Monday 01/09/09
Ok. Ive sent the link to this blog to the girl ive been seeing. (Which one you ask... The one who sent the text about me not being the guy she thought I was) Lets just say that there is going to be a very special post tomorrow.
Saturday, 30 August 2008
Saturday 30/08/08
Ok I think its about time I posted this. My sort of girlfriend/girl i'm seeing whatever sent me an essay via text message 2 weeks ago. I keep saying I'm going to post it because it is funny and to be honest I dont know why its taken me 2 weeks. Still, here goes.
Let's go back to gay night. Tuesday 19/08/08.
When I text her "Bitch". She had the arsehole about that for 2 days. Women. She obviously had the painters in because I say that sort of thing to her all the time.
Any way. It was obviously eating away at her tiny brain so she finally decided to let it be known to me.
I met her on the bus to work. She was gawping at me every day for about a week, so in the end I had enough of it. She was obviously interested and I'm up for anything with an axe wound between its legs. I asked a guy for a pen. Wrote my number on my newspaper and gave it to her with a "give us a call darlin" and I got off the bus.
This is known to the Battalion as "The Newspaper Moment".
Any way. This is the text message in its entirety and exactness. Check the footnotes.
"K wen i saw u on da bus it was obvious that i fancied u nd i thought u were gna b 1 of these sweet caring smart mature unique guys but u r so different 2 hw i imagined u 2 b (1). Nw dnt get me wrong i like u in the way that u make me laugh which is really important the fact u have a job and r independent nd that u obviously care bout me (2) which ive never had frm a guy which is prob y i dnt kno hw 2 take it. However i dnt like ur arrogance u r not an alpha male (3) nd men r nt better than women (4). Ur constant swearing i dnt like. U say a lot of rude fings around me nd I was never around dat sort of fing wen I was growing up nd I dnt like dat(5) Nw da fings i dnt like bout ya can easily b improved nd I still like ya wiv ur bad qualities(6). Oh by the way ur maddie comment was way outta line nd u should fink b4 u speak.(7) Neway i dnt fink we r gna work 1stly its not fair to keep u from ur guyish needs(8)
Mike texts me "Always looks on the bright side of life" (9)
Nw i think tht u would be a gr8 bf but i fink me and u r a lil bit 2 different (10) nd u r generally not my type (11) but i took a chance and unfortunately it isnt gonna work out. Nw dnt want u 2 get upset or nasty(12) but i think we would make better friends(13)
Well that was the text. Hilarious.
(1) How wrong you are.
(2)How wrong you are. I only care about myself. I told her this many times and I thought she would have got the picture by now
(3) Excuse me? Not an alpha male? Is she fucking serious?
(4) Excuse me? Yes they are. They are stronger, smarter and play a more advance game.
(5) I think you need to get out of that bubble that your wrapped in
(6) I aint changing for nobody. Especially you.
(7) I was at a theme park. In the que for a rollercoaster. And I said. " It's like waiting for Maddies funeral" (Madeline Mccann) At least... I think it was that comment. I make so many.
(8) She wont have sex before marriage. Don't even ask why I'm even entertaining this. I think of her as a project. To break her morals in 2.
(9) Mike sends me some weird text messages sometimes because he's bored at work. I added this in because it was very ironic to the conversation I was already having.
(10) No shit. What you mean that i'm in the real world.
(11) By that you mean "I dont like real men"
(12) Why would I be upset. In fact. I'm already on the phone laughing about it with James.
(13) I dont do friends with ex girlfriends.
Let's go back to gay night. Tuesday 19/08/08.
When I text her "Bitch". She had the arsehole about that for 2 days. Women. She obviously had the painters in because I say that sort of thing to her all the time.
Any way. It was obviously eating away at her tiny brain so she finally decided to let it be known to me.
I met her on the bus to work. She was gawping at me every day for about a week, so in the end I had enough of it. She was obviously interested and I'm up for anything with an axe wound between its legs. I asked a guy for a pen. Wrote my number on my newspaper and gave it to her with a "give us a call darlin" and I got off the bus.
This is known to the Battalion as "The Newspaper Moment".
Any way. This is the text message in its entirety and exactness. Check the footnotes.
"K wen i saw u on da bus it was obvious that i fancied u nd i thought u were gna b 1 of these sweet caring smart mature unique guys but u r so different 2 hw i imagined u 2 b (1). Nw dnt get me wrong i like u in the way that u make me laugh which is really important the fact u have a job and r independent nd that u obviously care bout me (2) which ive never had frm a guy which is prob y i dnt kno hw 2 take it. However i dnt like ur arrogance u r not an alpha male (3) nd men r nt better than women (4). Ur constant swearing i dnt like. U say a lot of rude fings around me nd I was never around dat sort of fing wen I was growing up nd I dnt like dat(5) Nw da fings i dnt like bout ya can easily b improved nd I still like ya wiv ur bad qualities(6). Oh by the way ur maddie comment was way outta line nd u should fink b4 u speak.(7) Neway i dnt fink we r gna work 1stly its not fair to keep u from ur guyish needs(8)
Mike texts me "Always looks on the bright side of life" (9)
Nw i think tht u would be a gr8 bf but i fink me and u r a lil bit 2 different (10) nd u r generally not my type (11) but i took a chance and unfortunately it isnt gonna work out. Nw dnt want u 2 get upset or nasty(12) but i think we would make better friends(13)
Well that was the text. Hilarious.
(1) How wrong you are.
(2)How wrong you are. I only care about myself. I told her this many times and I thought she would have got the picture by now
(3) Excuse me? Not an alpha male? Is she fucking serious?
(4) Excuse me? Yes they are. They are stronger, smarter and play a more advance game.
(5) I think you need to get out of that bubble that your wrapped in
(6) I aint changing for nobody. Especially you.
(7) I was at a theme park. In the que for a rollercoaster. And I said. " It's like waiting for Maddies funeral" (Madeline Mccann) At least... I think it was that comment. I make so many.
(8) She wont have sex before marriage. Don't even ask why I'm even entertaining this. I think of her as a project. To break her morals in 2.
(9) Mike sends me some weird text messages sometimes because he's bored at work. I added this in because it was very ironic to the conversation I was already having.
(10) No shit. What you mean that i'm in the real world.
(11) By that you mean "I dont like real men"
(12) Why would I be upset. In fact. I'm already on the phone laughing about it with James.
(13) I dont do friends with ex girlfriends.
Friday 29/08/08
Im not going to lie to anybody. Last night was a very havy drinking session. I was so drunk that I knew I was very drunk. I didn't even need to be sick. I was past hitting a wall. I jumped the wall and it's all clear from here on. It's 11am Saturday and a stagger home, one cigarette, several stomach cramps later I decide to write this entry.
The night started with me and Jack. Where? The Goose obviously. We christened the night and begun with 2 jugs of Speedball each and 2 Sambuca's each. While waiting for our drinks I start talking to 2 girls. Jack watches. At one point I said to them "Did you know it's Alpha Male night tonight. Im the leader of the group, nice to meet you. We're over there if you need us" (Point to our table) The first shot was toasted to Jack's unborn child.
Sub Story: Remember when Jack showed me the scratches on his back from some whore. Well let's just say that Jack is going to be a father. I was under strict instructions not to tell anybody, so I wound him up by myself. I claimed Godfather and promised to forget all of the childs birthday's, Christmas' and Easter's. I promised that I would forget it's name and teach it how to drink, how to down pints fast. Jack says "This could be good for me. I could get a council flat, be living on my own." I give him just one blank expression. Is this guy serious? This is the worst thing that could possibly happen to an Alpha Male. Responsibility isn't Jacks thing. It's not mine either admittedly. Jack then realises that there is no bright side to this. "I could push her down the stairs. Punch her in the stomach or something. Shes not keeping it. I will be a terrible Dad." Yes you will Jack. "I am shitting my pants. Im not telling my mum" So when your childs mother comes round with a toddler what are you going to tell her. "Hey this is Johnny, he's a good friend of mine" I dont think so.
Personally I find this funny. But purely because it's not happening to me. I can deeply sympathise with the guy. But I wont. He is well and truly fucked.
The second toast was to the Godfather. (Thats me) The sambucas definately done the trick. I haven't had a drink for a week, and this hit my stomach. I feel sick after the second one. We take a seat. Get drunk. Surprisingly quickly.
On our table is a flask/jug/test tube looking drinking thing and some tissue. I put the tissue in it, half hanging out. Pick the flask up and shout "Look it's the olympic torch" and put it back down. Jack being the imbecilic little drunk that he is, decides to get his lighter out and set the tissue alight- Just as a barman is coming to collect it. He tells the bouncers. I get the feeling that we are leaving fairly soon.
James arrives. Doesn't say hello just goes straight to the bar. Iv'e said it before and I'll say it again. This guy has his priorities straight.
I call Rob, tell him to come out. He says that he is shopping and doesn't intend to come out tonight. I tell him that the size of his vagina lately shocks me.
Jack phones the mother of his child. Tells her that she isn't keeping it. Screams "whore" down the phone and hangs up. This is hilarious. He just screamed whore at the mother of his child in the middle of a packed pub. The pub goes silent for a second and everyone looks at him. The funny thing is. When Jack shouts or scream, his face goes red and he shakes. Im going to make a video of it sometime and post it.
We soon go to a club. We meet Phil, Mike, and Howard in there. £1.50 a drink before 11. I order 2 beers... and a vodka and coke. I also order another 2 vodka and cokes. Fuck it, its cheap I can handle it. I take a picture of this round. Unfortunately this is the only photo I have of this night out. The thing is. I remember taking a lot of photos. Just obviously not with my camera.
I see a few girls I know from school. Grab their boobs and tell everyone that one of the girls is a lesbian. She's bisexual, but thats not as funny. Greedy bitch.
I get more drunk with Phil, Mike, James and Jack. I see one of the whores from last week and decide to tell her that "I didnt know what I was doing, I must've been very drunk." She looks at me with hate. "You just gave me a look filled with disapointment and disgust. I like that in a woman." I think this girl hates me. Fuck her.
Rob calls.
Rob: Dude where are you?
Bill: In Liquid. Where are you?
Rob: In the que.
Bill: Rob has conformed. I knew you would.
Rob: Ill call you when I'm inside.
Apparently Jacks secret is out. He's telling everybody he knows and sees. I stands on a wall. Raises his arms and declares "I GOT SOME WHORE PREGNANT" He then starts telling every girl around him. Obviously, to Jack, getting a girl pregnant is some sort of achievement. A trophy. A good chat-up line. He's telling girls as if this sort of thing makes them moist.
At this point I generally feel sorry for him. He looks like hes about to cry. But its probably because he has smoke in his eye. His mum calls him.
Apparently this is how the conversation went:
Mum: Jack. What time are you coming home.
Jack: I've got a girl pregnant.
(He's told her, he is going to regret that tomorrow.)
Mum: You fucking idiot.
I tell Phil that i'm ready to leave. I feel very drunk. So drunk that my limit has been reached. One more drink would be a very bad idea. He says also. We find Rob.
Phil leaves. I dont even know about this.
Rob takes me back to his where I stay for the night. Not where I intended to stay. I intended to go home.
So I wake up this morning, not really sure where I am. I'm sleeping in the bedroom that i've never slept before. I ask myself. Didn't Rob bring me back here this morning? Im sure he did.
Surreal moment.
Thursday, 28 August 2008
Thursday 28/8/08
This week has been Beta Male week. I'm skint, everyone is skint. With no money we cant go out. These things do cost money you know.
But fear not. Friday tomorrow.
I may possibly have a story to tell come saturday.
But fear not. Friday tomorrow.
I may possibly have a story to tell come saturday.
Monday 25/8/08
I arrived home from Innovation 12pm Sunday Afternoon and went straight to bed. It 4pm Monday and i've just woken up. This surely classes as an offical coma. Thats what drugs do to you. Take this from me. Dont ever take pills. They fuck you up. That was a first and last time for me. The buzz was horrible, I felt sick constantly for...well from about 4am to now really. Im not buzzing but I feel sick still. I dont want to eat, drink and my head feels like Rikki Lake and Pavarotti are having sex in it. THUMP THUMP THUMP.
I can honestly say that after 28 hours sleep I feel fucked. I feel like I need another 28 hours.
I can honestly say that after 28 hours sleep I feel fucked. I feel like I need another 28 hours.
Tuesday, 26 August 2008
Saturday 23/08/08
Its Thursday today. Its taken me all week to try and find a way to make a story about Saturday night without mentioning a certain aspect of the night. However, this story isn't worth telling without it.
Saturday night was Innovation. For those that dont know, it's quite possibly one of the, if not THE biggest Drum 'n Bass event of the year. Attended by myself obviously, Mike and Phil but the night was fairly uneventful and isn't really worth telling about unless you were there. Everyone was pilled up to the max. And like a dirty little sheep I conformed. Admittedly it's the first time and the last I will do that shit.
Me and Mike popped a Loveheart (powerful) at around half 3 in the morning and we were buzzing off of our tits till around 11am.
I remember that the women there were unbelievable. Walking around in hot pants and bras, camel toes and nipples poking through. However, tonight was about dancing, not being on the pull. This story is purely debauchery.
The shennanigans didnt really start until we left the club. Walking from SEone at London Bridge to get the N15 nightbus from Eastcheap just before Fenchurch Street. We picked up a guy along the way with his girlfriend who lived near us. He threw his guts up before he got on the bus... and during the bus journey.
Phil, crashes out in the luggage rack on the bus. Me and Mike leave him and go upstairs to find proper seats. Back seats. SCORE. We stretch out. Mike feels sick. His face looks yellow. I tell him he looks like someone from The Simpsons. We are so out of our box. We cant stop smiling at eachother. Everything is funny. Two indian guys sitting next to Mike are talking..in Indian. To us the sounds like some sort of Drum 'n Bass rap. We start dancing, still sitting down.
Mike starts to fall asleep. Oh wait, hes gone. Snoring away, still with a huge grin on his face. I took it upon myself to take a picture.
Unfortunately the flash woke the bastard up, otherwise I wouldv'e got a few more. He looks up at me. Calls me a cunt and demands that the picture doesnt go on facebook. (I kept my word. It's on here instead.) He looks around him, opens his legs, leans forward and vomits all over the bus floor. Everyone on the bus looks at him, for a second. Silence, literally for a second, then carries on with their conversation. Obviously, people vomiting their intoxications over the bus is normal.
Im not happy. Now I have Mikes hot sick splashed up my trainers.
Mike: That's me done. I feel better now.
Bill: Fuck you dude
I send Phil a text.
Bill: Dude Mike's just thrown up everywhere. Come upstairs, theres seats here.
Phil: Dirty bastard. Na mate, im all stretched out in the luggage rack, much better.
Bill: You dickhead. We're on cushions. Mike's been sick and we're still comfortable.
Phil: How long does this journey take?
The journey takes about an hour and a half. I tell him this.
Me and Mike carry on with the banter. Laughing at everything, smiling, dancing, singing. Im fairly sure everyone else on the top deck of the bus is getting pissed off at us. We are being loud, but we are so out of our nut that we couldnt care less. I feel sick. Really sick. All this laughing. All the bumps, starts and stops from the bus. Looking at Mikes yellowness.
Mike's phone falls out of his pocket, into the puddle of sick. He swears. Picks it up, wipes it on the seat. He looks at it. The camera's lens has smashed. He is really pissed off now.
I find it funny. But then everything is funny.
Mike recieves a text from Phil.
Phil: How long does this journey take.
Is he fucking serious?
Mike calls him back.
Mike: It takes the same time minus the time we've had you fucking idiot. Come upstairs theres loads of seats.
Phil comes up. He looks ill too. He's as white as a whores spit cup, eyes watering. Still smiling though. He's out of his nut too.
We all chat a bit more until Phil gets off the bus. Me and Mike decide to stay on and get a cab, despite that walking from this stop would be faster.
The closer we get to the last stop, the more sick I feel. I pretty much fall out of the bus. And projectile vomit up a bin. Not in the bin. Doing my bit for the floor you see. A guy is standing at the bus stop. See's me vomit and walks off. Fucking imbecile. Hasn't he ever been so heavily intoxicated before that he throws his guts up? If not, he needs to get a life. Theres nothing I like more than getting heavily intoxicated. Any way. The bus stop that we are sitting at is about 10 yards in front of the cab office. But its raining fairly heavily. And we are so out of our nut that we act like the rain might kill us. So we sit for a good half hour staring at the floor and wait for the rain to stop.
It doesn't.
We get bored and just get a cab.
The cab driver is playing Indian music. Of course. We find this funny.
We get back to Mikes at around half 5 and sit in his shed. (Its not just a shed. It has a sofa) etc. And we chat shit for several hours, smoke, and try to sleep but fail. The buzz was still there at 11 am, so much to the point that we got bored of it.
The pills did make me hallucinate. Around me I could see people dancing. They werent just silhouettes. They were vivid people that I could see. They were dancing to the drum and bass that I could hear in my head. At one point i said to Mike "This bitch of a woman keeps dancing in front of me. Shes pumping her face into mine. I wanna strangle the bitch, but she aint real." At least I know a sense reality when I'm buzzing from pills.
A good night for us. But unfortunately not for you to read about. If anything particularly Alpha Male-ish did happen. I dont remember.
Friday, 22 August 2008
Wednesday 20/08/08
Im at work. Bored. Again.
I start reading Tucker Max. if I havent told you about Him yet, look him up, read about him. tuckermax.com... read his book "I hope they serve beer in Hell". Anyway. As usual I start from the beginning. The Sushi Pants Story. The story involving a breathalyzer. What a great idea.
I buy one. I figure this is going to increase the quality of our nights out by 25%-30%.
Its a ready made contest. Whoever is the most drunk at the end of the night wins.
This is only a quick post. Just a little information that I think you should know.
I dont plan on going out tonight. Even I have to take a night off sometimes. So dont expect any posts about Wednesday night's antics.
I start reading Tucker Max. if I havent told you about Him yet, look him up, read about him. tuckermax.com... read his book "I hope they serve beer in Hell". Anyway. As usual I start from the beginning. The Sushi Pants Story. The story involving a breathalyzer. What a great idea.
I buy one. I figure this is going to increase the quality of our nights out by 25%-30%.
Its a ready made contest. Whoever is the most drunk at the end of the night wins.
This is only a quick post. Just a little information that I think you should know.
I dont plan on going out tonight. Even I have to take a night off sometimes. So dont expect any posts about Wednesday night's antics.
Saturday 16/08/08
Ok. So its the third night in a row on the piss. Im going for a hat-trick. Not just in being drunk, but in a pulling extravaganza. The plan is to go out with a bang this weekend, its the last day of the week to get out of my face. What's better? A newcomer has arrived. Yes Sam's birthday is today, he is finally 18. The plan is to drink fairly aggresively......all day. It's 2:30pm, the Arsenal game is finished (poor result), this is unimportant. What is important is that I have a personal crate of beer. 15 beers for £10- fairly good price. But wait. If you buy 2 you get the second one for £4. Im there. Admitedly only one crate was for me, the other being for the rest (Sam and a few of his mates). I spend most of the day insulting his friends, telling them dead baby jokes and making a point of that I'm not sorry for any of my actions and that I only care about myself.
We all arrive at The Goose (where else) sit around, have a couple of jugs of Speedball and get a little drunk. I see Stanley the War Veteran (He's not really, he's a 70 year old guy that is in The Goose all day, spends all his pension money and gets drunk, every day) I point at him, he comes over.
One girl in particular, I didnt catch her name (obviously) I just called her big tits, was the constant target of my insults for a hour and a half. By the time she left she developed a pure hatred for me.
The rest of the day is fairly uneventful and unfortunately I didnt finish my crate. After 7 beers, and still not drunk I pull out the 8th to find that they are all frozen (Sam being the simp that he is, put them in the freezer). Deciding that a beer ice lolly wasnt very appetising a present the idea that we go to the pub a little earlier. Half 7.
Ok, maybe we got their a bit late. 8 o'clock we arrived and I promised Sam I would show him "The Way" (to party). As a result of this, I gather up most of the Battalion (Danny Mac, Phil, Mike, Mike (Howard) and they even bring a few mates along, but unfortunately James was at the V festival and Rob is on holliday, but still it wakens as a promising night.
We all arrive at The Goose (where else) sit around, have a couple of jugs of Speedball and get a little drunk. I see Stanley the War Veteran (He's not really, he's a 70 year old guy that is in The Goose all day, spends all his pension money and gets drunk, every day) I point at him, he comes over.
Bill: Stanley your my hero
Stanley: Im as pissed as arseholes
Bill: Haha you War Veteran. Are you gonna by me a drink?
Stanley: Fuck off.... What do you want?
Bill: Vodka and red bull dude
He walks away.
Dan: He's not going to buy you a drink.
Bill: I'd be surprised if he remembered what I wanted by the time he gets to the bar.
Sure enough, Stanley did come back. With a Speedball for me. That is a ticked box right there. Stanley doesnt buy anyone a drink. Every one laughs. Im not even sorry for spending an OAP's pension money. But still. I happily drink it. Stanley shouts out "You owe me". Hes probably going to hold me to that forever. The only thing is, he probably doesnt want a drink back, just a night with me. Oh well it was worth it.
We left The Goose and decided to go onto a bar. Who do we see on the way? Big Tits. With a female friend. I introduced myself as God to her friend. She gave me a "you wished" look. I gave her a "dont even think about challenging me look". Big Tits introduces me as Bill to her friend (thanks) and then says "this guy has made me feel this big (raises a hand and makes a 1 inch gap between her fingers) and I cant stop laughing at him. He is hilarious". The Friend asks why.
Big Tits: He called me a life support for my vagina. (laughs)
I laugh too. Her friend looks unimpressed.
Big Tits: He has been insulting me all day. He just calls me Big Tits.
Her friend is even more unimpressed.
Bill: (To her friend) Oh lighten up you miserable bitch.
She walks off. Finally.
We go to the bar. Have a beer and realise that this place is a hole so decide to go to a nightclub, get extremely drunk and get some women.
We stand in the que to get in. Sam is really drunk.
Bill: Sober up dude or they aint gonna let you in
Sam: Im ok (he says swaying)
Bill: Im serious dude. Sober up.
Sam stands up straight and acts sober.
5 minutes later hes acting drunk again.
The conversation above goes on for a while.
We get to the front. Show our ID.
Bouncer: He aint coming in (Points to Sam). He's pissed.
Bill: So is everyone in the que.
Bouncer: He aint coming in
Sam: I aint drunk at all. Im fine.
Bouncer: You might think your sober, so might your mates, so might your doctor, but I can see that your drunk.
Ok he can get away with saying that I might say it. But a doctor? What the fuck? Theres a reason why your a bouncer mate, and its because of that comment. Your comparing your intellect to that of a doctor. Idiot.
We decide that we arent going to get in. The night is falling out of place.
Bill: It's Drum 'n Base night at Pacific Edge. Lets go there
Not that we have a choice.
We go there. The rest of the night is fairly uneventful. There isnt any women in the club apart from a fat chick and a girl that smells like stale vagina, not to mention that she also dances like a gorilla.
Phil still tries it with Gorilla Girl. Hes terrible.
Admittedly, I didnt score my hat-trick, but I did get fairly drunk. It was still a good night, but just not much to write about thats interesting.
I stay at Sams that night.
We sit in his garden for a little while. Its 4am.
Sam decides hes going to be sick. Walks over to the plants and projectile vomits all up the fence. This makes me feel sick.
I hit a wall. I vomit the Subway I ate 20 minutes beforehand. It comes out pretty much still in tact. Olives, ham, cheese, bread everywhere.
I feel sorry for the fucker who has to clean that up.
Thursday, 21 August 2008
Friday 15/08/08
The day after A Level results night. It was forseen to be a quiet one. I phoned about to see who was out tonight. Turns out, no-one, everyone is either too hungover or skint. Beta males.
I persuade Jack to attend prayertime in The Goose (Drinking Heavily basically). Just us two. He says that its only going to be a quick drink in The Goose and he's going home after. A club is out of the question. I tell him otherwise.
We arrive at around 9. Get started quick with a sambuca and a jug of Speedball each. I point out the girl I got with last night (in the picture). He seems fairly pleased by her, in fact he calls her "acceptable". Fair enough. He laughs at her fat mate. Brilliant. She looks over at us, stabs us, well Jack, with her eyes. Hilarious.
We grab a seat, chat about shit and I ask him why he missed out last night.
Jack: I text you last night
Bill: No you didn't
Jack: Check your phone dude
Sure enough there was a text on my phone. Apparently I kept calling him the night before. In exact words the text read "Getting laid. Call you later". Fuck why dont I remember this! Oh wait. I was drunk. He shows me his spoils of war. Lifts his shirt. Scratches on his back from that whore he was with last night. SCORE.
The sambuca I took earlier is kicking in quick. Mixing with the alchohol from the night before. Bearing in mind that I only started sobering up by around 3pm. We start eyeing up some girls across from us. They get up and leave. I think they may have suffered our wrath before.
3 jugs of Speedball and a few sambucas later, we decide that we are drunk enough to go on to a club, just like I said. We go to a Rock Night at Pacific Edge. What a hole. Still it has my favourite place in the world there. The Bar.
We order 2 Coronas each and go upstairs. We dance away for a little while. Well I say dance. I mean stand there drinking while we scan for some decent women. This is a hard task in a Rock Bar. It's full of black haired emotionals and goths.
Wait. Look. Over there.
2 half decent girls that I used to go to school with.
Bill: I call the blonde. (We'll call her Jane)
Jack: Fine dude. I like the brunette (We'll call her Louise)
Bill: Good
So we go over there chat them up.
Im dancing with Jane, Jacks dancing with Louise.
All of a sudden Jack starts getting with Jane. What the fuck. Hes challenging me to a contest of some sort. I don't quite know what the challenge is but he is crossing a fine line. That is MY woman.
Now I have to get her interested in me again. I ask her if she smokes. She says sometimes. (Which means "I do now, but only because you do)
She joins me outside.
We start drunk talking. (You know, what music do you like, whats your name, D.O.B, BMI and name of the headteacher at your school)
She then begins to tell me that at the Christmas Party at school she really wanted to get with me but couldnt because she had a boyfriend. (Which shows what type of person she is when shes drunk....or just in general)
I say "Well lets make up for lost time" (How fucking cheesey is that)
I move in for a kiss, just close enough to pull away before she goes in to meet me. Im teasing her now. Haha. Why? Because I can. Usually I dont waste time, but this girl was hot and teasing makes girls more horny.
She pounces.
Her fingers running through my hair, down my back, scratching, thrusting her hips into me, swinging her leg around. This is hot. Shes not a bad kisser either.
Jane: Dont you think im a slut
Bill: (Yes) Of course not. Why would I think that?
Jane: Because I just got with your mate.
Bill: It's fine your searching for the better male
My hands wander to her boobies. They are quite nice. But I get bored easy. So my hand travels down to a vaginal area. She thrusts my hand. (That means you can go inside). So I do.
Im fingering this girl like im some sort of little teenager at a house party. Bearing in mind im directly outside the club, everyone can see, but we're both so drunk we don't care.
The bouncer walks up behind me, grabs my ass. I turn round (still fingering her) and shout "Thats jealousy that is" the bouncer laughs at me/with me who cares.
She whispers in my ear "Im gonna come". She does. SCORE.
I pull my hand out and say "Do you wanna go some place private?"
Jane: What for?
Bill: So I can fuck you up a wall. (WARNING: I can only say this because we are both very drunk. Dont attempt this when sober, unless you like getting slapped)
Jane takes me hand and leads me away. (Ignore the warning)
We're walking towards somewhere more private (a market stall or something, who cares) Her phone rings. It's Louise.
Jane: Im outside smoking.... What now?.... Im busy.... We cant leave yet...I am staying at yours but... ok fine.
She puts the phone down. And declares that she has to leave because her friend is and shes staying at hers tonight.
What the fuck.
I say "Oh come on. Ill be quick" I realise what I just said then walk back into the club.
I say thanks to the bouncer and slap him on the back. He says " Dont touch me.. I know where that hand has been." A bouncer thats scared of pussy. Ive seen it all.
I go back upstairs to find Jack sitting on a stool. Alone.
He jumps up.
Jack: Where the fuck have you been!!!!!
Bill: Outside dude with that whore that I told you to stay away from.
Jack: What the fuck. I was with her.
Bill: I told you to stay away dude. (I wave my fingers under his nose) that smells like success my friend.
Jack: Fuck off.
We drink some more...and more...who turns up? Venus thats who. Great.
We go downstairs.
Some guy I know comes up to me,(Ill call him Meathead) thinks he is more succesful at pulling than I. I wave my fingers under his nose. Nothing. I ask him if he knows what pussy smells like.
Meathead:I challenge you to a chat up line contest.
Bill: What are you fucking 12?
Meathead: Its my 20th birthday today.
Bearing in mind this guy is on his own in a club on his birthday. No wonder if he challenges people to fucking chat up line competitions.
Im not one to turn down a challenge so I agree.
Bill: Choose your whores dude
He chooses two fairly goodlooking ones. They happen to be sitting next to the door. Oh wait did I mention that they were the bouncers girlfriends. Even better.
Meathead explains to them what we are doing. I tell him to go first.
He then gets his phone out, gives it to one of them says something that I didnt hear (probably his shitty chat up line) and walks away.
WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT
I use a fairly poor one of mine (bearing in mind I dont do chat up lines...Only for a laugh or to insult someone)
Bill: Can I be your Josef Fritzl. (If you dont know about him...look it up..then you can laugh or hate me)
Attractive girl: Sick. But i like it. I think you win.
Great. (Sarcasm)
Meathead: Wait lets go again.
He says another crappy one that isnt even worth mentioning...its along the lines of Heaven missing an angel...original.
I give my hand to the girl and say "Congratulations"
Attractive girl: Why? (She shakes my hand)
Bill: Youve just spent the last 10 minutes with God.
I look at Jack and tell him we are leaving and walk out.
We walk to the cab office fairly drunk.
A girl comes upto us.
Drunk girl: Can I borrow your phone? (Shes crying...did i mention that?)
Me having no sympathy I say no.
Drunk girl: Please. I have no way to get home. And that bitch Sam has my phone and house keys. (As if I know who Sam is)
Still no. Oh wait Jack has his phone out.
The drunk girl has a conversation with her friend about "Sam".
The girl hands Jacks phone back to him.
She says her friend lives in Rise Park. So does Jack. He's taking her home. Hilarious.
Walking up to the cab office, Jane and Louise walk out of it. Jane gives me and Jack a look of disapointment and disgust. Hilarious. I text her "Thanks for the look of disapointment and disgust". I get into a cab.
Venus starts texting me. Great.
Venus: I can tell you want me.
Bill: Like I want to contract AIDS
Venus: You know you do
Bill: Fuck off
Venus: If it helps. I dont have a boyfriend any more.
She tell me this as if a boyfriend matters to me.
Bill: Id rather masturbate with sandpaper.
She doesnt text back... SCORE.
I call Jack.
Jack: Phone me back dude.
Bill: Are you getting with that girl.
Jack: Yes
Bill: Ok see you soon.
Im at home now. Bed time.
In the morning I decide to give Jack a text
"You learn't a valuable lesson last night. Dont challenge the Governer"
I persuade Jack to attend prayertime in The Goose (Drinking Heavily basically). Just us two. He says that its only going to be a quick drink in The Goose and he's going home after. A club is out of the question. I tell him otherwise.
We arrive at around 9. Get started quick with a sambuca and a jug of Speedball each. I point out the girl I got with last night (in the picture). He seems fairly pleased by her, in fact he calls her "acceptable". Fair enough. He laughs at her fat mate. Brilliant. She looks over at us, stabs us, well Jack, with her eyes. Hilarious.
We grab a seat, chat about shit and I ask him why he missed out last night.
Jack: I text you last night
Bill: No you didn't
Jack: Check your phone dude
Sure enough there was a text on my phone. Apparently I kept calling him the night before. In exact words the text read "Getting laid. Call you later". Fuck why dont I remember this! Oh wait. I was drunk. He shows me his spoils of war. Lifts his shirt. Scratches on his back from that whore he was with last night. SCORE.
The sambuca I took earlier is kicking in quick. Mixing with the alchohol from the night before. Bearing in mind that I only started sobering up by around 3pm. We start eyeing up some girls across from us. They get up and leave. I think they may have suffered our wrath before.
3 jugs of Speedball and a few sambucas later, we decide that we are drunk enough to go on to a club, just like I said. We go to a Rock Night at Pacific Edge. What a hole. Still it has my favourite place in the world there. The Bar.
We order 2 Coronas each and go upstairs. We dance away for a little while. Well I say dance. I mean stand there drinking while we scan for some decent women. This is a hard task in a Rock Bar. It's full of black haired emotionals and goths.
Wait. Look. Over there.
2 half decent girls that I used to go to school with.
Bill: I call the blonde. (We'll call her Jane)
Jack: Fine dude. I like the brunette (We'll call her Louise)
Bill: Good
So we go over there chat them up.
Im dancing with Jane, Jacks dancing with Louise.
All of a sudden Jack starts getting with Jane. What the fuck. Hes challenging me to a contest of some sort. I don't quite know what the challenge is but he is crossing a fine line. That is MY woman.
Now I have to get her interested in me again. I ask her if she smokes. She says sometimes. (Which means "I do now, but only because you do)
She joins me outside.
We start drunk talking. (You know, what music do you like, whats your name, D.O.B, BMI and name of the headteacher at your school)
She then begins to tell me that at the Christmas Party at school she really wanted to get with me but couldnt because she had a boyfriend. (Which shows what type of person she is when shes drunk....or just in general)
I say "Well lets make up for lost time" (How fucking cheesey is that)
I move in for a kiss, just close enough to pull away before she goes in to meet me. Im teasing her now. Haha. Why? Because I can. Usually I dont waste time, but this girl was hot and teasing makes girls more horny.
She pounces.
Her fingers running through my hair, down my back, scratching, thrusting her hips into me, swinging her leg around. This is hot. Shes not a bad kisser either.
Jane: Dont you think im a slut
Bill: (Yes) Of course not. Why would I think that?
Jane: Because I just got with your mate.
Bill: It's fine your searching for the better male
My hands wander to her boobies. They are quite nice. But I get bored easy. So my hand travels down to a vaginal area. She thrusts my hand. (That means you can go inside). So I do.
Im fingering this girl like im some sort of little teenager at a house party. Bearing in mind im directly outside the club, everyone can see, but we're both so drunk we don't care.
The bouncer walks up behind me, grabs my ass. I turn round (still fingering her) and shout "Thats jealousy that is" the bouncer laughs at me/with me who cares.
She whispers in my ear "Im gonna come". She does. SCORE.
I pull my hand out and say "Do you wanna go some place private?"
Jane: What for?
Bill: So I can fuck you up a wall. (WARNING: I can only say this because we are both very drunk. Dont attempt this when sober, unless you like getting slapped)
Jane takes me hand and leads me away. (Ignore the warning)
We're walking towards somewhere more private (a market stall or something, who cares) Her phone rings. It's Louise.
Jane: Im outside smoking.... What now?.... Im busy.... We cant leave yet...I am staying at yours but... ok fine.
She puts the phone down. And declares that she has to leave because her friend is and shes staying at hers tonight.
What the fuck.
I say "Oh come on. Ill be quick" I realise what I just said then walk back into the club.
I say thanks to the bouncer and slap him on the back. He says " Dont touch me.. I know where that hand has been." A bouncer thats scared of pussy. Ive seen it all.
I go back upstairs to find Jack sitting on a stool. Alone.
He jumps up.
Jack: Where the fuck have you been!!!!!
Bill: Outside dude with that whore that I told you to stay away from.
Jack: What the fuck. I was with her.
Bill: I told you to stay away dude. (I wave my fingers under his nose) that smells like success my friend.
Jack: Fuck off.
We drink some more...and more...who turns up? Venus thats who. Great.
We go downstairs.
Some guy I know comes up to me,(Ill call him Meathead) thinks he is more succesful at pulling than I. I wave my fingers under his nose. Nothing. I ask him if he knows what pussy smells like.
Meathead:I challenge you to a chat up line contest.
Bill: What are you fucking 12?
Meathead: Its my 20th birthday today.
Bearing in mind this guy is on his own in a club on his birthday. No wonder if he challenges people to fucking chat up line competitions.
Im not one to turn down a challenge so I agree.
Bill: Choose your whores dude
He chooses two fairly goodlooking ones. They happen to be sitting next to the door. Oh wait did I mention that they were the bouncers girlfriends. Even better.
Meathead explains to them what we are doing. I tell him to go first.
He then gets his phone out, gives it to one of them says something that I didnt hear (probably his shitty chat up line) and walks away.
WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT
I use a fairly poor one of mine (bearing in mind I dont do chat up lines...Only for a laugh or to insult someone)
Bill: Can I be your Josef Fritzl. (If you dont know about him...look it up..then you can laugh or hate me)
Attractive girl: Sick. But i like it. I think you win.
Great. (Sarcasm)
Meathead: Wait lets go again.
He says another crappy one that isnt even worth mentioning...its along the lines of Heaven missing an angel...original.
I give my hand to the girl and say "Congratulations"
Attractive girl: Why? (She shakes my hand)
Bill: Youve just spent the last 10 minutes with God.
I look at Jack and tell him we are leaving and walk out.
We walk to the cab office fairly drunk.
A girl comes upto us.
Drunk girl: Can I borrow your phone? (Shes crying...did i mention that?)
Me having no sympathy I say no.
Drunk girl: Please. I have no way to get home. And that bitch Sam has my phone and house keys. (As if I know who Sam is)
Still no. Oh wait Jack has his phone out.
The drunk girl has a conversation with her friend about "Sam".
The girl hands Jacks phone back to him.
She says her friend lives in Rise Park. So does Jack. He's taking her home. Hilarious.
Walking up to the cab office, Jane and Louise walk out of it. Jane gives me and Jack a look of disapointment and disgust. Hilarious. I text her "Thanks for the look of disapointment and disgust". I get into a cab.
Venus starts texting me. Great.
Venus: I can tell you want me.
Bill: Like I want to contract AIDS
Venus: You know you do
Bill: Fuck off
Venus: If it helps. I dont have a boyfriend any more.
She tell me this as if a boyfriend matters to me.
Bill: Id rather masturbate with sandpaper.
She doesnt text back... SCORE.
I call Jack.
Jack: Phone me back dude.
Bill: Are you getting with that girl.
Jack: Yes
Bill: Ok see you soon.
Im at home now. Bed time.
In the morning I decide to give Jack a text
"You learn't a valuable lesson last night. Dont challenge the Governer"
It comes to my attention that Jack and I obviously didn't discuss that we were both wearing white polo shirts. Still, the night was officially stamped as a succesful one, so who cares?
Wednesday, 20 August 2008
Thursday 14/08/08
It's the morning after the day above. What day was it? A Level results night (Where college go'ers find out how well the did/didn't do) What does this mean? Cheap drinks and officially the easiest night to pull of the year! I dont actually attend college, I work, but still, who's to know?
Any way. I go out of my way to alert everyone (when I say everyone I mean the Alpha Male Battalion), to which they all agree that missing out on tonight wouldn't be an option, even if their mom's funeral was at the same time. So we decide to meet at half 7, which gives us a good 7 hours or so to get drunk and do what we have to do.
Fast forward to 7:30, because I'm at work in the meantime, nothing interesting happens and writing about it would be a waste of time.
Ok, it's 7:30, im the first to arrive at the Goose. What do I do? I order my first jug of Speedball (Vodka and Red Bull), the choice drink for the whole Battalion- tastes good, gets you drunk fast and is cheapest in this pub than anywhere else. Before I go on, I want to explain about The Goose. Yes its a pub, and yes we are regulars, so much so that the bouncers outside warn us to keep the noise down before we go in. What else is good about this Godforsaken hole? (It's still a dump but hey!) The drinks are dirt cheap. £5.50 for a jug of Speedball, which might cost well over £10 elsewhere. Anyway back with the story.
I start drinking. James arrive soon. Before saying "Hi" he goes to the bar to get a jug of speedball for himself (I love this guy, he's got his priorities straight.) With James arrives Dave (Tom) and Mika (Jamie)
We get drunk for a little while, insult a few people and decide to leave and go clubbing before you have to pay to get in. (The £8 we would have to pay can get us a few drinks- dont judge us) Dave leaves.
Any way. We arrive inside the club. We go straight to the bar (obviously) it's £1.50 a drink so I order 4 Coronas with lime and a Vodka and Coke. We sit and chat for a little while, whatever who cares, and suddenly my whole 6th form college arrives (great more people I dont care about). A few girls come up to me, ask me how im doing, hugs kisses all round guys (fuck). Introduce Mika to them then James. James decides that his name for the night is Tucker Max (God basically). One girl (really drunk) we'll call her Sally, leaps on me and hangs on me for a little while, long enough for me to grab her ass and tits repeatedly making sure I get a good fucking feel. (I get with her later, im mentioning it now 'cos it dont really matter much, just remember its girl number 1).
2 beers and a Vodka and Coke later, a group of girls walk past. I take it upon myself to call out "Yes" or "No" to their attractiveness.
Blonde-Yes
Redhead-Yes
Brunette-Yes
Another Brunette-No, oh wait she's looking at me now. She walks over. Was I that loud?
Brunette: No? What do you mean No? Im not a fucking No.
Bill: Sorry what?
Brunette: Im not a fucking no you asshole
Bill: I clearly wasn't talking to you. Go away.
By this point James is laughing his head off. I begin to laugh along with him.
Brunette walks over. Closer. Shes gonna hit me.
Brunette: Im not a fucking no! Ive been clubbing since you were in nappies you fucking prick!
She doesnt look that old, so I ask: How old are you?
Brunette: 25
Bill: So am I! (No i'm not haha, she dont know that)
Brunette: Fuck off you look about 12.
Bill: Are you fucking serious? You act 12! (That was a bad come back)
Brunette: Your the one whos acting fucking 12- calling me a no.
James' still laughing, so am I.
Bill: Look its not my fault your not very attractive. (Waiting for a slap now)
James' bursts out with laughter. Ive been here for 15 minutes and already I've nearly reduced some whore to tears. Excellent.
We drink some more. I decide that I want some pussay.
Bill: Dude (tapping James). Pick a girl out of those 5 (motioning to 5 girls in the distance)
James: What?
Bill: Pick one
James picks one. I walk over to her. I pounce. Get on her, without a hello (Kiss, snog, whatever dude) I walk off without a single goodbye (Girl number 2). I motion James to come downstairs. Mike calls me.
Mike: Where are you?
I explain where I am, he decides to come along with Phil. This is gonna get good.
We order another 4 beers. An hour to go before £1.50 drinks deal runs out.
I lose James and Mika, it’s Me Mike and Phil. We decide to go out for a cigarette.
We are outside. See a couple of guys we know and start talking to them. Nothing interesting really happens. I see a girl that Rob chatted up a week ago( We’ll call her Sarah). I start talking to her, ask her name (What am I doing, I must be drunk). Conversation progresses and I get on her too. Mike decides taking a picture to incriminate me would be funny.
I whisper sweet nothings in her ear for a little while. Examples: You’re a good kisser. Can I take you out tomorrow night?
This is the point where it’s clear to myself I want to get with this girl some more. I take her number down on my mobile. “Sarah x”
Don’t ask why I put a kiss on the end, I was drunk.
Apparently while I was with Sarah, Mike was getting with her fat mate. +10 points for an ugly or fat chick.
I ask Phil what time it is. Half 10. Fuck I’ve been talking to this whore for half hour. I’m wasting cheap drink time for this.
Bill: SHOT TIME!
The guys agree and follow. We get another 4 beers and a shot of sambuca. The alchohol is really pulsing now.
We sing and dance, drink some more on the dancefloor. Oh wait, watch out guys, here comes Venus. FUCK.
She tries it some more. I insult and abuse her. She starts trying it with Phil, he gives me the “Help me look.” I fuck off somewhere away from her. That’s the last I see of anybody.
Im on my own, drunk and loving it. What the fuck is this song? “Follow the leader, leader, leader, follow the leader” Someone grabs me from behind, hands around the hips. It can only mean one thing. Beer in hand I conga around the whole club. Im leading this shit. Hilarious. Wait my beers run out. I look behind me. 100 people are in my conga line. Brilliant. I conga straight to the bar. Order a drink. I’m still dancing- on the spot, but dancing. I look behind. Everyone is still in my conga line waiting for me to move.
Yes there is 100 people in a conga line waiting for me to order a beer. I say thanks to the barmaid, give her a wink. She gives me a look of disappointment and disgust. YES.
I carry on the conga for another minute until the song finishes. What songs next. I look at the time. Half 2 in the morning. Fuck ive got work tomorrow. “Oops upside your head…” I look around. Everyone is on the floor sitting in lines. The entire club has turned into a fucking school disco. I’m leaving.
The cab home is fairly uneventful. I pay the guy with a healthy 30p tip. Fuck him.
James calls.
James: Dude where are you?
Bill: I just got home. Im leaning up against a wall. Fuck my life. Where are you
James: On the way home. Im fucking walking home. Im so hot I took my shirt off.
Bill: Dude your breaking up dude I cant hear you. (Fake static noise) J-m-s.
James: Can you hear me?
I hang up the phone. Throw up everywhere outside my house.
I stagger to bed and go to sleep.
Sure enough, in 5 hours I wake up, still as drunk as the night before. I was still drunk by 3pm that afternoon and I tell everybody about the night. This was by far the drunkest I had been for a very long time.
FUCK.
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