24th June-1st July 2009

Fucking hell, where do I start with this. It was the time that we all decided that England had suffered enough and so the Greek island of Kos should take some of our heat.

On the first day we met two girls, Marie and Alex and I am forced to say that these are quite possibly the funniest girls I personally have ever met, becoming 2 of the 3 women I have respect for. We spent the whole holiday with them and for me, they made the week something special, and before you say "Bill's turning homo" my reply is "Fuck You."

Together we created some extremely funny shit.

• The first night began the way we meant to go on. I had been drinking all day, and I mean all day, but didnt really start drinking aggresively until about 6pm. By 8 I was drunk, not too drunk, but drunk enough to challenge anyone who came within arms length of me to a shot contest. The rules? 5 shots of something fucking disgusting. Needless to say my ego was bigger than my ability to beat 3 people at this, especially after what I had already consumed and was still drinking. The last thing I remember was doing my last shot against a 65 year old man, telling him 'YOU CANT BEAT ME' and mimicking John Cena's 'You cant see me' hand gesture, which for those who dont know requires waving an outstretched hand in front of your face. The next thing I know I wake up in bed saying 'What the Fuck.' This whole episode was ironic as I most definately was beaten, but quite possibly the funniest part was being told in the morning by the old mans 9 year old grandson what happened. These are his words exactly as I remember them.
  

"Man, you were really drunk last night. You challenged my Grandad to a shot competition. After your last one you stood up and walked off, I think to be sick. But, (laughs) you walked into the Hotels kitchen, fell flat on your face and fell asleep. You were very drunk. My Grandad and Dave (the guy who works behind the bar) carried you into the toilet. You were sick everywhere and then you did a wee in your pants. You were very drunk. Then they carried you into the lift and put you in your room. You were so drunk."

I think it's obvious that I was VERY drunk, I don't know whether the kid was trying to emphasise that or whether he was trying to take the piss, but still.

I was also told in the morning that Phil and Crossy went up to my room when they heard where I was, (apparently all this happened within the time it took them to go to the shops and back) and abused me. I was slapped hard across the face, rolled over and had sun cream squirted up my ass.

I woke up at about 4:30am with Howard stood in front of me. I asked him if I went to the foam party that I had got ready for. Evidently, I didn't.

From the morning after and so on I was known as 'that guy with the hand gesture.' I was approached by quite a few people telling me that I was 'That Guy'. Well duh.

I still dont remember a thing about that night.

• Also in the morning, I woke up, stumbled into Crossy's room to see him in the foetal position naked on his bed. I laughed, which in turn woke him up. He looked worryingly at me.

Bill: Crossy, why are you naked.
Crossy: Er. I pissed the bed and didn’t want to be in wet clothes.

• Night 3, was just a regular night, but with a twist. Phil was absolutely fucking wasted. His dancing made me and others around him laugh. Phil's dancing is the type of dance that only really applys to Drum & Bass raves, and because of his state of drunkeness had slowed down considerably. People were mimmicking him and at one point he asked me if people were mocking him. This didn't stop him from doing the whole 'dancing on your own with your eyes shut.' It is safe to say that Phil was dancing like a tree. This set a trend throughout the rest of the holiday which we still laugh about now.


• Rob didn't last long that night, he was so drunk that he went missing for about an hour. Howard gave Dan a sip of his drink, which made Dan want to throw up so he ran across the road to the sea. He waved us all over to which we saw Rob laying on the floor in a pool of sick, passed out. He was then carried home.


• Day 4, we met a few other girls, 3 to be exact. Not a lot funny happened with them apart from me and Phil convincing one of them that Howard used to be a woman. Howard didn't know this was going on as he was in the next room so couldn't hear what we were saying.

Bill: Howard used to be a girl
[Gullible Girl]: Really?
Phil: Yeah, he had the operation nearly a year ago now.
[Gullible Girl]: Your kidding me right?
Bill: No seriously. Have you noticed how his voice squeaks sometimes?
[Gullible Girl]: Yeah.
Bill: Well that’s because his hormonal pills haven’t kicked in properly yet.
[Gullible Girl]: Really?
Phil: Yeah, also, his legs aren’t that hairy, that’s the same reason.
[Gullible Girl]: Oh my God.
Bill: Howard! Show [Gullible Girl] your scar!

Howard has a scar where he had his appendix removed.

Bill: That’s where he had his ovaries removed.
[Gullible Girl]: Oh my God how weird.
Phil: He is a freak ain’t he. But I guess that’s the way he is, we’ve got used to it.

[Gullible Girl]:Yeah I guess.

• Dan had an actual seizure on the second to last night and still got drunk the next day.

I think its safe to say that we learnt a lot about ourselves that week. Our tolerance of eachother and the abuse our bodies went through on a minutely basis. That not all women are manipulative, selfish and intolerable.....Just most of them.

Monday 18/05/2009

Today included quite possibly the worst morning I have ever had to endure. I got out of bed, put my foot in a bucket of sick and stumbled and fell out of a window hitting every branch of a tree on the way down, landing into a skip filled with used nappies, only to climb up and out to fall into a muddy puddle where I get run over by a car, then a lorry filled with acid crashed into the car and spills its load all over me.



If this was true, I probably would have been happier.

Instead I woke up an hour and a half late for work, had a cold shower only to find that my work trousers were still wet despite me hanging them up to dry a good 17 hours before hand. Upon leaving the house I realise that in fact I've also left my cigarretes in my mates car and I have no money to buy lunch, so I now have to go back and make some.
I miss the bus and when I finally get on a train I have some fucking fat dude sitting next to me and a guy opposite with breath that smells so bad that I felt I was being gassed in Auschwitz.

What a fucking morning.

24/04/2009

A couple of funny things have happened to me recently regarding people 'recognising' me whilst I'm out, so I thought I would post them.

The semi-MILF story

A couple of weeks ago, I was at a bar waiting for a drink when to my surprise a hand falls on my shoulder.

"Hey! I recognise you!"


Oh shit. Here we go. In front of me was an average height blonde, looked maybe about 35 or so.


Bill: Erm. Where from.


Suddenly, something in my head clicked. I looked at her again.


About a week before that I saw this woman, average height, blonde about 35 or so dancing on her own, next to her friend. She wasn't a good dancer, so I decided to take the oppurtunity to... well you know.

I walked up to her, tapped her on the shoulder and said:


"Excuse me. I just thought that I should tell you that your friend is really embarrassed by the way that you're dancing"

Needless to say, I think I ruined her night.

Anyway.

Bill: Was you in Agenda last week?
Blonde: Erm, no.
Bill: Where do you know me from.
Blonde: You drink in The Bull.

Two things ran through my mind at that precise moment.

1) I haven't drunk in The Bull for about 6 months.
2) If I hadn't had a drink in The Bull for 6 months, then I must have done something for me to stick in her mind. Which lets face it, probably isn't a good thing.

She quickly leads me to the dancefloor attempting to dance dirty with me. To be fair, the old girl wasn't doing too bad, but there's only so much you can enjoy it when all that's running through your mind is that "this is probably someones mother." This didn't stop me getting with her. What can I say, I have no morals.

The 'You're that guy!' Story.

The bus pulls up and I step on and take a seat. It's ten to eight in the morning, so obviously im on my way to work. Not taking care to look at my surroundings I hear a girl say 'Hi Bill.'
Sitting right next to me is a girl I know.

We start conversing and opposite Holly I keep noticing this attractive Blonde girl obviously listening to our conversation and looking like she wants to add a comment.

She eventually does, turns out she's Holly's friend. As quick as anything she says:

' Your that guy that insults all the women aren't you.

Holly: Oh God, what have you done now?
Bill: Haha.
Blonde: Listen, I dont agree with anything you say, but the things that you do say are so funny.

This is my cue to be even more 'funny'. I start telling her things like women should stay at home and cook, clean etcetera etcetera. To be honest I was so 'funny' that I would have made Chuck Norris laugh.

Much to my surprise this whale of a women gets up and upon leaving says to the Blonde.

"Dont worry darling, he will wake up one day in his pokey little flat and realise that he's alone"

I reply:

"Are you serious? For your information I have my own house asshole. I have to congratulate you. You have just been marked down on that list. You know, the ones that should have been partially aborted at birth."

I would just like to add that I have, at this point, only been awake for less than an hour and still I can come out with such genius.